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Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To Buy Your SO This $5,500 Watch For Valentine's Day

Gwyneth Paltrow's Valentine's Day gift guide is here, and man oh man has she never been less relatable.

If you aren't following Paltrow's lifestyle brand Goop, you're missing out. Not on affordable clothing or great deals on home goods or anything useful like that.

Nope, instead you're missing out on Gwyneth casually telling you to buy a $120 tube of toothpaste to stare at while you put your vagina through a steam shvitz after shoving a quarry up there.

There is no other celebrity out there who associates with the middle class less than Paltrow, and it is amazing. I'm not even sad at that fact. Her gift registries are filled with things that people at my income level talk about like urban legends:

I one time heard there was a hoodie you could by that WASN'T off the $12 rack at Old Navy.

So, if you're looking for a way to take out a mortgage on your house in the most romantic way possible, might I suggest some of these choice items from her Valentine's Day gift guide?

A $5,500 ugly watch.

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Goop


A $1,480 document case, whatever the frick a document case is.

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Bottega Venetta


These $195 slippers, as if cheaper slippers don't exist.

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Goop


A GODDAMN $775 CASHMERE HOODIE?!?!?!?

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Derek-Rose


A $130 football? Is that what this is? It seems like this is what that is but…like…it can't just be a $130 football, right?

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Goop


A $695 Dominos set, for the Winklevoss in your life who likes casual old people games.

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Ralph Lauren


A $2,500 turntable so you can rickity-rickity-rickity-save your relationship with expensive materials.

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Shinola


I think this is just a $50 glass cup. What does this have to do with Valentine's Day? Why is it $50? Has Gwyneth ever been in the sun? Some questions just have no answers.

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Goop


I. SWEAR. TO. GOD. THIS. IS. JUST. A. $36. LEATHER. TRAY. (Also, it's sold out FOR SOME REASON!!!)

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Goop


Old Playboys for your future kids to find and then get confused about how old you and your husband are.

Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Goop

So there you have it. The perfect gift guide for your out-of-touch significant other.

Citations: The Guys' Valentine's Day Gift Guide (Goop)

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Eitan Levine

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Eitan Levine is a New York City based comedian and writer covering trending news for Elite Daily. He is also a weekly performer at The PIT and Magnet Theater in New York and the founder/co-host of “Who Won The Internet?”, which airs weekly ...
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comedian and writer covering trending news for Elite Daily. He is also a weekly performer at The PIT and Magnet Theater in New York and the founder/co-host of “Who Won The Internet?”, which airs weekly ...

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