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Khloé Kardashian Wants You To Buy A $69 Massage Wand For Your Face

If there's one thing the Kardashians love, it's selling us stuff to fix our busted faces.

Khloé Kardashian's most recent shillventure introduces us to Nurse Jamie's Uplift Massage Beauty Roller. It's a little wand that works to firm your face through the ancient art of robot massage.

Khloe Kardashian's lips

Instagram

On her app, the reality star explained,

I call this my ‘magic wand of beauty' … which works by massaging your skin with tourmaline stones to tighten muscle and improve circulation in the neck and face. Not only does it lift and smooth, but it preps your skin to absorb products so that you get the most out of them. This little gem is a lifesaver for jet-lagged, post-party or just plain ‘meh' skin.

At $69, this “little gem” seems pretty unnecessary. If it didn't clearly double as a vibrator that (presumably) tightened your vag with every use, it'd seem like a waste of money.

Still, KoKo reminds readers,

You will never regret investing in your skin, dolls!

That's true. All any woman wants is for her skin to be so beautiful, she can go foundation-free, but not too beautiful to the point of attracting serial killers looking to flay her alive and wear her like a coat.

Earlier this month, KoKes tried to sell us on a $75 vagina facial — sorry, vajacial — and Ben Wa balls to keep our pelvic floors as mighty as Thor. What? She loves fitness!

Khloe Kardashian poses in a selfie in a holiday waist trainer

Instagram

Us poors will just have to continue taking on the world with our fat, sandpaper vaginas and droopy chins and, you know what, that's OK.

When our mediocrity becomes unbearable, we can visit Khloé's app and dream of a future wherein we are all rich and sexy.

Perhaps someday, one of us may know the sweet, gentle touch of a facial massage wand. Until then, we live in our fantasies.

When You Realize You'll Never Look Like Kylie Jenner

Citations: MY PERFECT-SKIN SECRET WEAPON (Khloé With A K)

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Taylor Ortega

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Taylor Ortega is a New York based writer and comedian. She performs on Wednesday nights at the PIT and co-hosts "Elite Weekly" on Facebook Live. Buy her a cheese sandwich, please. Insta: carbra_streisand
Taylor Ortega is a New York based writer and comedian. She performs on Wednesday nights at the PIT and co-hosts "Elite Weekly" on Facebook Live. Buy her a cheese sandwich, please. Insta: carbra_streisand

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