The Sloan-Off

Dan Scotti

Everyone has his or her preferences. Coke or Pepsi? Dude, if Santa Claus drinks Coca Cola, give me one with a f*ckin’ lemon. McDonald’s or Burger King? Well, I’ve gotten a bagel at McDonald’s before, so I guess that works. Beer or vodka? Well, that depends on whether or not I feel like getting laid or not (Barkeep! One of your finest varietals of vodka, please, and make it snappy!) The culmination of these options is what makes up that oh-so-distinct flavor of American society.

I mean that’s the essence of America, huh? Freedom. Freedom to choose. Freedom to love. It’s not always easy, and rarely black or white. Well, call HBO the modern day Uncle Sam, because over the past decade — the fine folks at Home Box Office have given us the freedom to choose, and love, since the time we subscribed to premium cable in the first place.

At first it was “The Wire” or “The Sopranos”? Edge: Tony Soprano, in a tight one. Slowly over time — with new pilots and cancelled series — these preferences have evolved, and justifiably so. Having said that, the “Sloan-off,” as I have coined it, still remains an unsolved mystery.

What is the Sloan-off?

The “Sloan-off,” commonly referred to as the “Sloan War,” refers to the mass debate regarding two of the most precious and sought after Sloans in all of television. Essentially, Sloan from “Entourage” vs. Sloan from “The Newsroom.”

I have spent many a lonely night in my room, trying to decide which Sloan I’m partial to. Some days I wake up and say, “Self, today is a Sloan from ‘Entourage’ day.” Others, I wake up thinking “Self, that busty nerd from the Newsroom is the one for you.” It drives me nuts. I feel like Jesus Shuttlesworth deciding whether or not to play ball at Big State.

Thus, I have decided to put an end to the limbo of Sloans I find myself stuck in, once and for all, and finally get down to the dirt of the matter. Sloan McQuewick (‘Entourage’) vs. Sloan Sabbith (‘Newsroom’). Let’s begin. For the purposes of this case study, SE refers to Sloan-“Entourage,” while SN will indicate Sloan-“Newsroom.”

I. The bitch factor

Well, SE is a godforsaken c u next Tuesday (spell it out) — when she wants to be. Her dad’s the biggest herb in the history of fictional television characters, so it really isn’t too much of a mystery.

I understand the attraction to bitchy-bitches, but SE’s ability to emasculate men (even though E isn’t the most masculine to begin with) would turn me flaccid quicker than 0-60 in the ‘Rari. SN, on the other hand, works the whole “I’m probably a bitch because I got bullied in high school, even though I’m a dime” attitude to perfection. It’s mesmerizing. This is why I give the clear advantage to SN, who is bitchy — don’t get me wrong — but almost a good bitchy.

Edge: Sloan from “The Newsroom.”

II. Assets

Physical assets are a large part of this discussion, let’s not beat around the bush(es). From a breast perspective — I’m pretty good at guessing, so to the best of my ability — SE is about a 34C, while SN is a 32D. However, sometimes less is more. It’s not that “Newsroom”-Sloan’s large and in charge melons are not spectacular (because they are), it’s just that Sloan from “Entourage” is equipped with a nearly perfect set of cans (shape, form, perkiness).

SE wins that battle, but the war wages on. As we move down our subjects’ anatomies, we find ourselves at the buttocks. SE, again, maintains the perk-factor while SN boasts the size advantage. In the case of butts: more is always more. Advantage SN. This leaves us at a split decision. Nobody wins here.

Edge: Tie

III. Style

Honestly, Sloan from “The Newsroom” dresses very safe. Sure, in the classical sense, SN pulls off the business-professional style more than adequately, but style is about taking risks — and her daily blazer allows no room for the imagination (or her cleavage, alike). SE on the other hand, kills all things fashion.

After the first time SE brought out the big flowing sunhat, it was a wrap for not just Sloan from “The Newsroom,” but all Sloans across the globe. I love the corporate look, but I fiend for trendy bitches — and it’s clear Sloan from “Entourage” had a blog in high school.

Edge: Sloan from “Entourage”

IV. Wifeability

This criterion is very open for debate. The first thing to come to mind is when SE wouldn’t marry E without a prenup. Listen here b*tch, if you need to make me sign something to protect your money, you’re not gonna see any bread from me. At the same time, you can just tell SE is going to age — physically — like a bottle of good wine.

She’ll be one to flaunt for decades to come. The thing is, it’s not just looks that age with a woman’s years, and you can rest assured that Sloan from “Entourage” isn’t going to become any less of a cold-hearted bitch as you turn the pages of the calendar. I can already hear her nagging about, like, not adding the right percentage of milk in her coffee in about 10 years. Damn. SN though, she’s the wildcard.

I can see her putting down her career (for love) in about 5-10 years to raise the kids and drive the young whippersnappers to soccer practice. At the same time, I can see her becoming so completely consumed in her work and career accomplishments that she just might, straight up, never want to get married. It’s a delicate balance.

Edge: I take the risk, Sloan from “The Newsroom”

V. Overall Appeal

The overall appeal factor takes everything into account. The ultimate question, at the end of the day, is which Sloan would you rather be a real person (and ultimately get the chance to pursue)? Once you frame the question like that, your answer becomes a lot more clear, at least it did for me — let me explain. Sloan from “Entourage,” although a beautiful specimen, is not a rare fruit.

Hit up the Upper East Side around brunch and you’ll find a whole flock of “Entourage”-Sloan’s roaming around. Try and find another Sloan Sabbith anywhere in this world (the looks of Olivia Munn AND a PhD in economics from Duke), and you’ll find yourself coming up short, time and time again. I’m sorry “Entourage”-Sloan, you’re fantastic, but I’m gonna have to say Sloan Sabbith from “The Newsroom” is just the better Sloan. Bottom line is, each and everyone of you has to make this decision for yourselves — but I hope this helped.

Dan Scotti