Thanks to Ashton Kutcher, who himself had a back-and-forth battle with CNN about who could gain 1 million followers the quickest back in 2009, the microblogging service soared into America’s consciousness and became the next big thing among America’s self-conscience, i.e. those fame whores on our TVs, radios and movie screens.
Some celeb Twitter fights are tame (get a new hobby, Jill Zarin), while some are downright insane (Does Courtney Love having typing Tourette’s?). These 10, however, are the 140-character-or-less feuds that came from left field, traveled around the world, and sometimes boomeranged back to bite their respective senders on the ass.
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1. John Mayer vs. Perez Hilton
When Perez Hilton was assaulted by one of will.i.am’s entourage back in 2009 after Hilton called The Black Eyed Peas singer a “faggot,” crooner John Mayer jumped in to figuratively kick the celeb blogger while he was down. “People don’t want to see you hurt, they want to see you experience something equalizing,” tweeted Mayer, presumably as an act of revenge for all of Hilton’s web-based attacks on Mayer over the years. Hilton, ever the martyr, whined that Mayer’s tweets weren’t funny and that “karma would be me losing my site and going bankrupt.” Mayer eventually backed down, likely satisfied by living vicariously through whoever threw the punch heard ’round the Interwebs … thanks to Hilton’s tearful video post condemning the violence against him.
2. George Lopez vs. Kirstie Alley
Recently canceled talk-show host George Lopez tweeted jokes, the butt of which was Kirstie Alley, after an end-of-March performance by the former Fat Actress on “Dancing with the Stars.” Lopez referred to Alley as a little piggy, tweeting that before the show “she went to the market and then she had roast beef.” Alley wasn’t amused. After her fans demanded an apology from Lopez, Alley huffed and puffed and blew his glass house down when she cleverly compared Lopez, a self-professed alcoholic, to a “big bad, drunk woolf” who meets his demise by falling “in a boiling pot of vodka.”
3. Chelsea Handler vs. Nick Cannon
Last October, America’s favorite acid-tongued funny lady Chelsea Handler let the Twitterverse know just how she feels about Nick Cannon upon learning that the “America’s Got Talent” host was planning to take his jokes on the road. Handler tweeted, “I just heard Nick Cannon is starting a comedy tour. Who’s going to do the comedy?” Mr. Mariah Carey was none too pleased and responded that the “Chelsea Lately” star was nothing more than “angry, ugly white trash.” Good one. If Cannon’s rebuttal to Handler’s quip is any indication of what’s to come, StubHub better offer refunds.
4. Justin Bieber vs. Would-Be Hacker
Canadian pop/R&B singer Justin Bieber may have found “Somebody to Love” (seriously, how cute is Selena Gomez?), but Michigan teen Kevin Kristopik will never make the cut. After learning that Kristopik tried to hack into the Twitter account of a friend of Bieber’s to obtain the phenom’s phone number, Bieber fired back by tweeting Kristopik digits, disguised as his own, to his many millions of followers. Justice was served when the Detroit delinquent received more than 10,000 text messages in two hours. Ironically, that ringing sound Kristopik heard was in his own ears after his parents received the phone bill.
5. Adam Levine vs. MTV
Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine got his skinny skivvies in a bunch over the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards, which aired the last Sunday in August. “The Voice” coach tweeted, “the VMA’s. one day a year when MTV pretends to still care about music. I’m drawing the line in the sand. fuck you VMA’s.” MTV didn’t let the jab slide. The network shot back, “Soooo you’ll be tuning in at 9/8C tomorrow night? (BTW, bonus points if you TwitPic your 2004 Moonman!)”. Not to be undone, Levine replied, “still waiting to have my ‘jerry macquire mission statement moment of deep regret…’ not happening. phew!” Uh huh, he may have those moves like Jagger, but he’s got the comedic wit of Tom Cruise.
6. Joan Rivers vs. Lindsay Lohan
Former actress and sometimes jailbird Lindsay Lohan is consistent water cooler fodder because of her hard-partying ways, but she didn’t take kindly to Joan Rivers’ barbs as she faced the judge for violating the probation terms of her 2007 drug and alcohol case. After Rivers tweeted one-liners like, “Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor,” Lohan defended herself by tweeting, “Joan Rivers and her ‘stargument’ make me believe that she and Michael Lohan are a match made in heaven.” Geez. With all that fake tanning, you’d think LaLohan would have thicker skin.
7. Fox News’ Andy Levy vs. Chris Brown
R&B singer Chris Brown, well known for his sensitive and self-aware demeanor (just ask Rihanna), recently tweeted, “No more planking for me unless it’s on a sexy lady! Lol,” obviously referring to the Internet meme that compels idiots to lie flat on a surface while somebody snaps a photo. Fortunately, the irony – and the opportunity for wordplay – of Brown’s tweet was not lost. In perhaps the most genius retweet ever, Andy Levy, host of Fox News’ “Red Eye,” added, “You spelled ‘punching’ wrong.” The problem is, nobody puts Crybaby Chris in a corner. Brown immediately called Levy out for conducting himself in a manner not even suited for children, to which Levy eventually digressed.
8. Justin Gaston vs. Miley Cyrus
It’s no secret that Miley Cyrus likes to wear her heart on her Twitter page, but when she and Justin Gaston broke up in 2009 her teenage angst was never more evident. Model-turned-singer-turned-actor-turned-singer-again Gaston let the world know his pain by tweeting, “People mistake stupidity for bravery way to easily” – whatever that meant. Thankfully, Miley shed some light on the situation by responding, “ Yeah. I love when people mistake bravery with writing a few stupid tweets trying to make it seem like they don’t care. You’re afraid to love.” Honey, he’s not afraid to love; there just wasn’t enough room behind those bulging pectorals for you and attention.
9. Spencer Pratt vs. Kate Hudson’s Boobs
Like the poor saps who were forced to push “the button” every 108 minutes on “Lost,” so too does Spencer Pratt need to let the world know that he’s still alive (and irrelevant) by sending tweets in identical intervals – because if he doesn’t, the universe as we know it will end. In April 2010, the former “The Hills” star, who secretly plots how he can get himself on lists like this, targeted Kate Hudson’s boob job by tweeting, “How is possible to get breast implants and still not have breasts? Kate H – get ur money back…” Riiight. Because his wife Heidi Montag’s 10-procedures-in-one-day cry for help is what a real woman should look like. Needless to say, Ms. Hudson didn’t dignify Pratt with a response – because she’s a real star. Well, at least most of her is.
10. Lil’ Kim vs. Nicki Minaj
Self-proclaimed Queen B Lil’ Kim let her stinger show back in May with a barrage of back-to-back tweets directed toward rival Nicki Minaj, who Kim claims jacked her swagger. Angered by Minaj’s success, the former Junior M.A.F.I.A. member took jabs at the femcee’s penchant for colorful wigs; gave her the nickname “Shitty Garbaj”; alluded to her as a roach; and hurled numerous B-words her way, including “bitch” and “bozo.” Minaj took the high road, however backhanded it may have been, when she chose not to acknowledge Kim’s tweets and instead retweeted a positive message from “Dancing With the Stars,” which announced Minaj’s appearance on the show that evening and alerted viewers that another star will be eliminated from the competition – the feeling of which Kim knows all too well.
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