Here’s Why Chad Johnson Was Kicked Off ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
Last night, reality TV Luke Skywalker took off reality TV Darth Vader’s helmet just in time for viewers to hear the villain cry,
I have nothing! I have nothing in my life!
The Chad Johnson story arch was brief and tragic as usual on last night’s premiere of “Bachelor in Paradise,” and host Chris Harrison made the call to send Bad Chad home.
“The Bachelorette” reject spent the episode getting drunk, making out and slinging misogynistic insults and violent threats at fellow cast members.
For a moment, it seemed as though Chad would find love with fellow hopeful Lace, but his abysmal social instincts blew that opportunity sky high almost instantly.
As he shouted, “I’ll murder everyone here… I’ll kill your children and murder your family. Dolla dolla bills, yo,” it seemed clear Chad was simply an irredeemable human shart, just as we’d all assumed from the beginning.
But when the fateful moment in which he was unceremoniously kicked off the show arrived, Chad’s bewilderment and subsequent breakdown made it pretty evident he merely has zero experience processing his emotions or relating honestly to others.
Fleetingly, pity grabbed hold of our hearts last night. Pity for Chad.
Then, though, viewers remembered the death threats, the fact he’s always eating lunch meat with his bare hands and, OH YEAH, the moment he pooped his pants the previous evening and collectively figured, “C’est la vie, mon dumpster fire.”
Before leaving, Chad refused to do an exit interview and took one last swipe at Chris Harrison.
You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. Fuck you, dude. Go drink your mimosas. You think this is all fun and games? This is my life. You’re going to sit here and try and make me look like a bitch? Fuck you, Chris Harrison. Come at me.
Come at him, Chris. But be warned: His hands are covered in ham grease and his pants are speckled with tiny, sad craps.
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