A Ranking Of The Best And Worst Guys From ‘Girls' To Have A One-Night Stand With
The last ever episode of “Girls” airs this Sunday at 10 pm on HBO.
No doubt, this show has changed the way this generation is perceived (think: whiny, entitled, narcissistic, selfish… the list goes on and on) and the way it perceives the world, sparking think pieces about realistic sex, nudity and what it means to be a woman on television.
I fell in love with “Girls” from the first episode of season one. I saw my flaws and neuroses in a lot of characters, and I wanted to know how my life — uh, I mean, their lives! — would pan out into adulthood.
Throughout the past several years, I've looked to the characters as examples of how we're all just trying our best, even if our best is shitty sometimes, and that's fine.
Some of those characters I've looked to have been the men — the gloriously weird, surprisingly introspective and low-key hot as hell men of “Girls.”
Yes, in addition to looking to the men as beacons of millennial angst, I've also considered which ones I would (and would not) like to have sex with. Obviously.
Below, a list of all the guys from “Girls,” ranked from the worst to the best to have a one-night stand with.
Ah, Thomas-John. He's definitely one of those guys who would coerce you into having sex without a condom, then give you chlamydia and deny it was him.
He's good-looking, but he has obvious anger issues (see: when he flipped out on Marnie for spilling the wine and when she and Jessa wouldn't let him in on the threesome action). Having a one-night stand with a guy who gets that angry toward women he just met is way too risky.
A one-night stand with him could also, evidently, end up in a wedding. Albeit a rushed, surprise, random-as-shit one.
I'm not against meeting “the one” from a one-night stand, but if it's either that or the threat of violence, Thomas-John takes the cake for the worst. Way too much of a toss up.
Charlie's cute and sweet (well, sort of). But the dude's a heroin addict!
Unless he's been tested for AIDS and hepatitis and I literally get a copy of these results mailed to my apartment before meeting him, I am not going anywhere NEAR him.
(That said, if he's clean and responsible with monitoring his sexual health as he continues to spiral into addiction, he'd absolutely move up in this ranking — especially if that episode where he ate Marnie out is any indication of his bedroom skills.)
Out of all the men in “Girls,” I'm physically attracted to Laird the least. So, despite the fact that he's certainly nice enough to take me to get bagels in the morning, he's getting a lower one-night stand ranking.
He also seems like one of those guys who'd be so overwhelmed by the emotional release of an orgasm that he'd just have to cry after. Nobody's trying to deal with that at 4 am.
Even worse, he probably has tons of emotional baggage as a result of Caroline's departure, which would exacerbate the crying. No, thanks.
Booth is insecure about the fact that he doesn't think people actually like him, which would make sex with him pretty unpredictable, since insecure people are either huge downers or huge narcissists. There's no in-between.
It begs the questions: Would my one-night stand with him happen on a day when he felt particularly shitty about himself, so he'd be boring and reserved in bed, and I'd have to be on top the whole time, doing all the work? Or would he confidently fuck me starfish-style from behind and tell me to look at his creepy doll across the room while he came inside me?
You wouldn't know. You just wouldn't know.
Paul-Louis is a respectful, decently affectionate lover, as we saw in the first episode of season six. Sex wouldn't be bad, but it would be nothing to write home about.
However, as evidenced by the fact that he got Hannah pregnant, Paul-Louis' sperm is also very fertile, so for the next month after you hooked up, you'd need to vigilantly observe your body for signs of pregnancy.
Is an entire month of anxiety worth seven to 12 minutes of not-great-but-not-terrible sex? No.
Fran is nice, but that's sort of all he is.
He's got good enough of a pretty face to have sex with, but we all need a little more excitement from a one-night stand. Maybe not a full-blown emotional outburst like you'd get with Laird, but at least some kind of intellectually stimulating conversation after sex would be ideal.
Like Laird, Desi is emotionally damaged and weepy in his own right. However, because the purpose of a one-night stand is to get laid by someone you're physically attracted to, I'd accept the possibility of being cried to at 4 am after a one-night stand with Desi, solely because Desi is hot. (Sorry, Laird.)
Now, Desi's OxyContin addiction, though scary, can't give him any STDs, so I'm fine with it for a one-night stand. What I would not be fine with, though, is if he tried to serenade me on his guitar post-coitus. Maybe I'd like it if I were coming down from being drunk. But that's a hard maybe.
Yes, Elijah is gay. But he's beautiful! If he got drunk enough to go straight for a night, you know you'd be down. He did it for Marnie! He'd do it again!
I can also get as neurotic as Hannah and require the same sort of sassy, tough love Elijah bestows upon her, so after sex, I'd vent all my problems to him. He'd be a good listener until I started becoming insufferable, at which point he'd tell me to grow up, and I'd get mad enough at him to leave his apartment and we'd never speak again. The PERFECT ending to a one-night stand.
I've always had a soft spot for very cynical men, and Ray is no exception.
I'm confident enough in his sexual abilities — he's had consistent sex with two of the four lead women in the show, one of whom (Marnie) basically only stuck around at first for the sex — but it's the deep pillow talks we'd definitely have about religion, gender roles and what it all means that put Ray near the top of this list.
I would probably have to stop myself from crushing on him after we slept together, which would simultaneously make it the best and worst one-night stand ever.
Adam would hands down be the most exciting, enthusiastic, purely pheromone-driven one-night stand. He'd expertly maneuver your body in ways you did not know it could be maneuvered, and he'd come up with amazingly creative, on-the-spot role plays in which all of your repressed fantasies would come out.
He's also SO underratedly sexy. Look at that hair! And that body! And his large, manly hands!
The best part about Adam is that he's equally as sexually assertive as he is drawn to taking care of another human being, which is perfect for when you're hungover the next morning, because he'll give you a Gatorade and take you to brunch.
RIP “Girls.” I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a movie.
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