The Academy Awards are less than a week away, and with 20 acting nominees, it’s difficult to know which lily-white contender offers you the best shot at eternal marital bliss.
Thankfully, the ever-dependable science of astrology is here to save you time in your hunt for a spouse who’s dominated an industry that swallowed the likes of Amanda Bynes and Edward Furlong (who? exactly) alive.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Oscar Love Match: Rachel McAdams, “Spotlight”
Rachel is a Scorpio, so fellow Water signs make great partners for the Actress in a Supporting Role nominee.
Scorpios can be intensely possessive while easygoing Pisces don’t give a sweet f*ck. Rachel might use her experience portraying an investigative reporter to follow you around and verify your fidelity, but you won’t mind. It’s just nice to be wanted.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Oscar Love Match: Charlotte Rampling, “45 Years”
Aries are wild as hell, and while an Aquarius like Char-Char can be relatively docile, every now and then she’ll do something unexpected to keep the spark alive. Remember when she said the dispute over a lack of diversity among Oscar nominees was “racist to whites?”
Just when you think she’s just a kindly artist keeping her career alive during her golden years, this nominee for Best Actress in a Leading Role drops some wacky bomb that throws her PR team into a tailspin and keeps her Aries lover both entertained and mildly horrified.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oscar Love Match: Eddie Redmayne, “The Danish Girl”
Tauruses like you and Capricorns like Eddie share a dependable nature and a love of all things traditional.
You’ll attend every awards ceremony arm-in-arm in complementary color schemes and do the whole “something borrowed, something blue, something old, something new” business on your wedding day.
If all goes well this weekend, the “something new” can be his Oscar for Actor in a Leading Role. If Leo wins, perhaps it can be your “something borrowed.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oscar Love Match: Christian Bale, “The Big Short”
Christian Bale is a deep-thinking Aquarius with a chaotic streak, aka the dream partner for an outgoing yet contemplative Gemini.
The nominee for Actor in a Supporting Role can explain the housing bubble collapse in painstaking detail while you pretend to listen with your eye on a bug dragging a stray piece of dust across the floor. Everybody wins.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Oscar Love Match: Bryan Cranston, “Trumbo”
Bry-guy is a cool, collected Pisces, and you’re a Cancer who bawls watching UNICEF commercials.
He’s your rock, and there’s a good chance he can convince co-star John Goodman to officiate your wedding dressed as Dan Conner from “Roseanne.” You’ll never be able to watch “Breaking Bad” again because the final scene will forever tear you apart. It’s worth it, though, to have finally found The One.
Leo (July 23 – August 22 )
Oscar Love Match: Brie Larson, “Room”
Leo, Leo, Leo. You’re often described as “dramatic,” “outgoing,” “fiery” and “self-assured”… all of which seem like glaring red flags when stacked together.
You’re a redeemable assh*le, and you need a peaceful person who will spend a lifetime attempting to explain to you the concepts of balance and moderation.
Actress in a Leading Role nominee Brie Larson could be that person. You’ll need to step out of the spotlight occasionally because, let’s face it, society cares way more about her career than it does about yours, but some time spent in the background could serve you well.
Who knows, she may even be willing to pass along the screenplay you wrote for your biopic.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Oscar Love Match: Sylvester Stallone, “Creed”
Beneath that tough, leathery exterior beats the heart of a far softer Sylvester.
An analytical Virgo like you knows to think before you speak and will therefore be able to deliver news like, “The studio is suspending production of ‘Expendables 4’ indefinitely,” in a way that won’t crush your lover’s ambition.
Virgos are also natural caregivers, a necessary skill when you marry an essentially unintelligible senior citizen.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Oscar Love Match: Jennifer Lawrence, “Joy”
You don’t need to marry Jen to know she’s not only a contender for Actress in a Leading Role during this year’s Oscars, but for every moment of actual honest life.
An intellectual, judicial Libra will not only be able to keep up with busy, witty J Law, but help her make the same paper as her male co-stars. What’s fair is freaking fair and you’ll fight alongside her to even the playing field.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Oscar Love Match: Saoirse Ronan, “Brooklyn”
Set aside, for a moment, the fact you can’t pronounce Saoirse (it’s “sir-sha”) and you’ll find the Actress in a Leading Role nominee is actually your dream girl.
You’re an über-passionate Scorpio who borders on conspiracy theorist, and she’s a driven, energetic Aries. The two of you will support each other’s endeavors with the enthusiasm of a pair of old-timey bank robbers. Unlike Bonnie and Clyde, however, you two won’t be shot to death in your car.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Oscar Love Match: Mark Ruffalo, “Spotlight”
A Sagittarius’ love of change, travel and rebirth can be difficult for other signs to understand. Fellow Sag Mark Ruffalo gets your inquisitive, philosophical approach to the world and won’t feel left in the dust when you disappear to Japan for a month “just to see what’s up.”
You won’t fault him for occasionally revisiting his mini-bangs from “Spotlight,” even though they should probably be burned straight off his face.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Oscar Love Match: Cate Blanchett, “Carol”
Cate is a grounded Taurus kween with an urge to surround herself with the finer things in life.
Though your sign make you more of a no-frills individual, the two of you share qualities like stubbornness and stability. As a couple, you low-key bond over the incompetence of others. Why waste time on work that isn’t of the highest quality?
Why speak if you aren’t going to be straightforward? The rest of the world honestly makes every task more difficult and dramatic than it needs to be. Idiots.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Oscar Love Match: Rooney Mara, “Carol”
Rooney is a competitive Aries who could use the keen problem-solving mind of an Aquarius to settle a score or two.
She’ll even appreciate it when you play devil’s advocate, though it may irritate her at first. When this nominee for Actress in a Supporting Role comes down with a classic case of tunnel vision, your hyper-imaginative Aquarius mind will pull her back to a more playful, eccentric place.
Now there’s nothing standing in the way of you finding happily ever after with your perfect Oscar match… except, of course, access, money, prestige and literal mileage.
Ah, well. Maybe next year.
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