12 Things From Nicholas Sparks Movies That Would Never Happen To You IRL

Love is messy and gross and sad. It's not all thunderstorm makeouts and sensual boat rides.

My boyfriend — sorry — my EX-boyfriend, Jeremy, recently decided to remind me how naturally cruel love is by dumping me two days before he was supposed to accompany me to my cousin's christening.

At first, I binged on the saccharine and somewhat guilty pleasures of the one-and-only Nicholas Sparks.

It quickly became apparent how FEW of these scenarios could ever come true. Just admit it.

1. A guy writes to you for a year.

I'm lucky if I can get a text back about the umbrella I left at Jeremy's apartment three days ago, but by all means, I'm sure it will work out for you. WAKE UP.

2. Channing Tatum falls in love with you.

"BRB, y'all. Channy Tater (what I call him) just sent a dove to my window. It was carrying flowers and a card instructing me to meet my tater tot in the rain for some low-pressure, above-the-neck kissin'." YAH, RIGHT.

3. While fighting a war, a delicious man finds a photograph of you, keeps it close to his heart and travels the world searching for you.

Mmhmm... Tell me, which photograph would he find, exactly? With all your recent pics uploaded online without hard copies, I'd guess it'd have to be your college graduation prints. Cool tan. BOOOOOO.

4. Josh Duhamel falls in love with you.

You and Josh will be soOoOoOo happy together and do so much sensual love-making to the sound of the pouring rain and the refrain from “Fergalicious” on repeat. He's taken. MOVE ON.

5. Two men find themselves besotted with you at the same time.

What are you going to do? Whose muscles are you going to rest your head upon as you drift off to dream land? Is there a scenario where you don't have to leave either perfect specimen behind? Um, yeah, there is. It's called real life, and *spoiler* you end up with neither of them. GET REAL.

6. You attempt to lose your virginity on the floor of an abandoned — and probably haunted — house très romantically.

Oh, how the candlelight flickers warmly off the walls as the spirits attempt to contact you and avenge their grisly deaths. Your pubes sway in the breeze blowing through the missing slats in the roof. He throws down a blanket and whispers,

Eh, good enough.

GIRL, BYE.

7. Your only friend turns out to be the ghost of your boyfriend's dead wife.

Aww, she handpicked you with her slender ghost fingers to be her successor in love, marriage and hot, sweaty boning. She probably looks down over you and her husband and blesses you as you ready her children for school. Finally, she can rest in peace! FALSE.

8. Liam Hemsworth falls in love with you.

Yes, yeah, of course. You're a mystical J Law/Miley hybrid who enchanted Liam into your arms for eternity. Oops! All his shirts were tragically burned in a shirt fire. Guess he'll have to join you at your reunion with his perfect pecs and soft skin on display for all the world to see. SUUURE.

9. Your bad boy high school boyfriend takes you on one epic date to cross everything off your bucket list.

He somehow convinced the entirety of S Club 7 to reunite for a concert at Howard's Miami Resort Hotel and arranged a serenade for you! Pack your bags, guest of honor!!! UGH, PLZ.

10. Zac Efron falls in love with you.

… Are you joking?

11. James Marsden falls in love with you.

Impossible.

12. Ryan Gosling falls in love with you.

ARE YOU IN A DEEP, BLISSFUL COMA WHERE THE IMPOSSIBLE IS SUDDENLY COMMONPLACE???

Sorry, but see? It helps to be honest with yourself and acknowledge the reality of your romantic situation. You'll never be with RyGos, and I am completely over Jeremy. Life is easier when you know for certain love is a lie.

Jeremy, if you're reading this, I do need my umbrella back… and your lips on my lips. CALL ME, PLEASE.