The 10 People That Should Never Be Allowed Into A Nightclub
If that isn’t bad enough, they are forced to admit people they know don’t belong in the club. The people who get in because they’re spending ridiculous money or are fucking the right guys. Watching the average pedestrian stroll into the night club, it’s either one or the other.
We love to party, get wasted, take a bunch of terrible pictures and have rhythmless sex with a girl whose name we can’t quite remember. It’s all that we’ve grown up dreaming about, eyes glued to ‘A Night At The Roxbury’.
The real problem with going out is this assorted collection of people that the helpless, careless doormen let into the club. The best places are the ones that keep a tight door, when a club turns away more people than it lets in. But then there are other places that will admit any promoter with girls that he picks off the line.
Here are the 10 people that would never be allowed into a nightclub if we were the doormen.
10. The Girl That Takes Her Shoes Off
Who the hell let this animal out of her cage? No one wants to see your bare feet and you look like an imbecile holding your heels in your left hand. It’s not our fault your heels are from the discount shelf in Bloomingdales, where everything is so uncomfortable no one wants to buy them.
You’re better off sitting down and taking a rest than trying to rage barefoot and get a cut from broken glass.
9. The Bros
We wish we could just commit genocide on these douchebags. These are the guys that are clearly taking a bridge and tunnel to get to the club and have been talking about this night since Tuesday. They are coming there to get trashed and act like arrogant dicks and will inevitably walk out at the end of the night empty handed.
It is, however, quite amusing to watch them get angry beat one another up when they realize that their “flawless” game failed them once again.
8. The Annoying Couple
We still do not understand why a couple would ever want to go somewhere that caters to singles. Your girlfriend isn’t going to be impressed by your shitty dancing and drunken antics. She’s just going to think you’re an idiot, like we do.
You’re taking up space for the people that are actually eligible for one night stands, so just do yourself a favor and stay out of our way. There is no reason why I need to see the reenactment of ‘The Notebook’ while I’m trying to rage to Avicii.
7. The Dry Humpers
Admittedly, everyone is guilty of dry humping on the dance floor after having one too many. We get it, you get drunk and sometimes the body fluids are rushing downwards and you might as well have over the clothes sex right there on the dance floor.
It is just not so appealing when you see two people dry humping and the guy has his fingers down a girl’s pants in front of everyone. PDA much?
6. The Celebrity
Sure the marketing team eats it up. It can publicize that celebrities do in fact party there. If only they didn’t have to bring their entourage of 50+ people (mostly dudes) and turn everyone into paparazzi standing shoulder to shoulder trying to get a picture of them. Then all the girls turn on their groupie switch so any regular dude is no longer worth their attention.
5. The Promoter
It seems odd to say but a promoter is actually the most irrelevant person in the club. Not only is he acting like a big shot with his prized bottle of Vodka and plastic cups with no waitress in site but the chances of him even having more than 2 smoking hot girls near him is slim to none.
It’s not so much because of his slutty girls or his cheap vodka that has you hungover for the next four days, it’s their noticeably inflated egos when they discover they are making a whopping $200 that evening. Fucking pedestrians.
4. The Creepy Old Guy
I get it, 40 is the new 30 and 30 is the new 20. Unless you’re a creepy fuck, that is. There is no reason why your wrinkly 48-year-old ass needs to be in a nightclub with girls that might have just popped their cherry a week ago.
Just go to a bar or a cigar club because explaining why you have to take a pill before sex to a 19-year-old girl is just awkward.
3. The Powerpuff Girls
We are referring to the girls that came to this club with 10 other girls and held hands all the way up to the door. They probably pre-gamed in one of their luxurious 450 square foot apartments in Murray Hill and are thinking about how they are going to pass back their ID to their “little” in their slutority.
These girls will take a ridiculous amount of pictures upon entering, before dancing in a circle and taking turns holding back one another’s hair when they simultaneously decide that it’s time to throw up.
2. The Girl In Flats
This isn’t a movie theater, nor is it girls’ night out. If you can’t wear a proper pair of heels to a nightclub then just don’t go out, it’s that simple.
1. Anyone Who Waited On The Line For An Extended Period Of Time
As the rule of thumb goes, if you have to wait on a line to get in somewhere, you most likely don’t belong there. The line is there to delay all the people we mentioned above from entry. Only letting them in on the off-chance that the club doesn’t fill to capacity so they can replace the empty space with pedestrians who can’t believe they were just let into a nightclub.
Yes, we would be pretty tough doormen but the club would be the best club out there because when you keep the trash outside you have an atmosphere for those who actually know how to have fun,like adults. If an NYC nightclub starts issuing a five minute intelligence test before entrance, you know who’s to blame.
Preston Waters | Elite.
