Oh ah Malia! The land of promiscuous, drunken, hot women — and after 1am — naked women. Thousands of British youngsters head to the land of promise every summer, with dreams of getting laid, getting drunk and finding the love of their lives (well more like the love of their week).
We at EliteDaily like to provide our readers with insider information to get you prepped for the kind of people you’ll be bumping into out there.
From the Greek veteran con artist to the girl that gets around more than Lindsay Lohan, we’ll break down the ten different personalities you’ll encounter in paradise.
The Turkish of the Malia Strip
Location: Outside any Quad bike stand/UFC stand
By Turkish, of course, I mean the cockney-born hustler from “Snatch.” These guys are as cockney as can get, standing outside their Quad bike stands, these guys are preying on customers to offer their dodgy deals. If there’s anyone to blame for Greece’s financial problems, it’s arguably these guys.
Let’s think about it, how they can manage to bring a UFC ring from the UK to Greece and get random drunks to fight inside it and manage to get people to pay to watch is beyond us. Although what I’ve said so far seems negative, there up for a laugh and usually have the funniest stories, so I’d rather get on their good side than the bad.
The Ruff Ryders
Location: Safari Club, any terrain a Quad can ride on
These are the black guys that never leave their quad bikes. Paying around £550/$818 to go on holiday, they’re glued to their quad bikes. Never will you see one walk anywhere, or never will you see one alone, the Ruff Ryders would make love to their Quads if it were physically possible.
The bad stereotype surprisingly isn’t a true image of them; always willing to give you a lift anywhere (especially if you’re a girl) think of the Ryders as a taxi service, you always get a cool conversation plus an insight into their life story.
The Veteran Con Artist
Location: Any shop on the strip
Probably heavily in debt with the Greek Mafia, the veteran con man will take every penny you have. His charismatic charm is enough to pull anybody in, but his contracts are worse than the £70,000 a week Liverpool are giving Downing. Just read the small print, please just read the small print.
The Veteran Con man is renowned for purposely stealing your purchased quad bikes/peds and claiming you lost it, a massive holiday bummer — so be careful. This man is also full of mouth diarrhoea, claiming he knows all the nightclub owners and can assure you free drinks, but in reality he really knows nobody.
The Seasoned Worker
Location: Outside most clubs offering drink deals
Oh the seasoned worker, starting from late April, the seasonal worker has now, by the time you visit, been with more men than a Vegas escort. Although knowing the best parts on the beach for a quick skinny dip, she’s not to be trusted.
You have to remember this is her job; some of these girls go home with a profit rather than in massive debt with mummy and daddy like you.
Very chatty and funny these girls are always up for a good time just don’t be seduced into buying them a drink at the same bar that they already get free drinks from for working there.
The First Timer
Location: Her Hotel Room
For men it’s not so bad, if it’s your first time, you pretty much know to go out, get drunk and forget the whole night. The female first timers are the complete opposite, think Hermione Granger.
Overwhelmed by the whole experience, these girls are usually the 16-year-olds who won’t stop talking about the holiday via social network sites, but then come home with one photo in their “Malia was the best time ever” photo album.
With the Malia strip coming alive at around to 1-2 a.m., the first timer is already drunk at seven and has missed the whole night. Looking completely out of place, you feel as if you should baby the first timer, but don’t give in, enjoy yourself first.
The Local Love
Location: Hopefully in your room
So after stalking the love of your life’s Twitter, you’ve just seen an update that she’s going to Malia the same time you are. You’re feeling like you’re in heaven.
This is your chance to recreate Leo Dicaprio’s love scene from “The Beach,” everything is laid on a plate, it’s just up to you to play the right game. The love of your life is just like you; she’s looking for a good time and to maybe have some holiday romance.
The only problem with getting with her is you’re very limited, let’s say you get with her the first night then completely change to someone else the next.
Now you’re hated when you go home and have completely blown any chance for a relationship after the holiday, since you got with a complete random from Newcastle. Think very hard about this girl, is she worth everything else you could get in the week?
Location: Star beach
You haven’t a clue what she’s saying, she hasn’t a clue what you’re saying; perfect match. The Europeans are usually in a large group so be prepared to have to make a very hard choice in which one to pick.
Big drinkers, don’t attempt to take part in any weird wild drinking games these girls, play as you’re going to be out for the count. Star beach is their home, with a quad bike it’s about a fifteen to twenty minute journey, but it’s worth it. Out all of the Europeans to get with, we’d recommend the Danish.
The ADHD Bouncer
Location: Usually outside Banana Bar
We have no clue as to how he got that big, he doesn’t either. The Greek bouncers are the most violent we have ever come across. For starting a fight you’ll get your head cracked open, for being overly drunk and pushing into them you’re most likely have a glass bottle thrown at your head.
Just don’t give them eye contact or any trouble whatsoever, we’re pretty sure they got dropped on their heads when they were born, that’s the only possibly answer.
Your Friend For Life
Location: With your entourage
He is god. You click as soon as you meet the funniest, craziest, wildest, most spontaneous guy you will EVER meet. The first night out with your friend for life will leave an impact on your forever.
Whether you end up on a beach with cocaine all over your face and no eyebrows, or all your pubic hair shaved off, your friend for life did it for a good cause. He can really do no wrong; you simply don’t ask questions about his life because you feel you already know everything already.
His catchphrases stick with you, his way to seduce women stick with you and his weird drinking games stick with your entourage forever. The saddest part of meeting your friend for life is that after the holiday you know you will never see him again, we at Elite feel this is for the best, because next summer when you reunite it’ll be that much more special.
Location: The Beach
What’s missing from the photo above? GIRLS. I’m afraid to say it, but cockblocks run Malia, in heavy numbers too. They like to stroll along the beach searching for what they haven’t done all week, people having sex.
These guys are the epitome of the word douchebag. In a lucky situation your get one guy in the group that realizes what horrific crime he’s committing and to cover up his insecurity, he’ll say “I’m proud of you son.”
I really don’t know who brings these idiots into society, but they are out there — just be vigilant when you’re on the beach, that’s all that there is to it.
The end is here, they are the ten people your sure to encounter whilst partying in Malia. Have fun, roll on the summer of 2013.
Reece Parkinson | Elite.