The 14 Cities You Should Never Let Your Girlfriend Visit
We all know vacation booty is the easiest booty out there. Anyone can get it; it’s essentially the low hanging fruit of our sex lives.
It’s quick, it’s easy and it doesn’t take much thought deciding if you should be doing it or not. Even Turtle got vacation pussy in “Entourage” — as Drama explained to him, it doesn’t count because it is just too easy.
Sure we all like to let loose when we are on vacation and come back home with an epic story of how we had two hookers from Panama bathe us and give us head at the same damn time. A trip is only as good as how many women you managed to sleep with and how much epic shit you can exaggerate to all your friends when you get back.
But it sucks to be on the shit end of the stick when it comes to vacation booty. And what we mean by that is another man telling stories about how he plummeted your girlfriend as she was texting you while he was eating her out. Let’s be honest, girls are whores when they’re on vacation, especially when they take that girls’ trip and they tell you “don’t worry everything will be fine.”
Here are the 14 places you should never let your girlfriend visit without you, as the chances of her having sex with two guys named Fabio and Terrell at the same damn time are quite high. It’s just stress you can avoid by forbidding her to visit these places.
Eddie Cuffin | Elite.
Types of guys she might f*ck: Anyone with an accent Notable events: Paris Fashion Week Paris is quite simple, if she is not obsessed over her favorite stupid new collection at Paris Fashion Week or taking Instagram photos in front of the Eiffel tower than she is f*cking. There isn't much else to do in Paris for a girl and, of course, it is the city of love...so why wouldn't she try to have a fling with a French guy whose broken English, metro-sexual style and constant "merci" after everything she says is sweeping her off her feet? If she goes to Paris just know she is crossing off having an affair with a European guy from her bucket list.
13. The Hamptons
Types of guys she might f*ck: New York douche bags Notable events: Memorial day weekend - Labor day weekend Sex in the Hamptons is quite an easy equation, there are no hotels, so when she goes out there she is only staying in a house. The chances of girls renting a house on their own is slim to none as these houses are quite expensive. So with simple math, she is staying at a house that guys rented. So while you're in the woods getting trashed at SL...there are guys a few feet away from her bed -- she is definitely going to get rocked.
12. Rio De Janeiro
Types of guys she might f*ck: Brazilian men who only like anal Notable events: World Cup, The Olympics, Carnival The men in Rio De Janeiro are pigs. They love American girls and they offer something that most men in the states can't -- a 10-inch schlong and a tour around a city that she knows nothing about. And these men love giving it to women in their asses, they're not a big fan of the vag. So beware if she comes back not walking so well.
11. St. Tropez
Types of guys she might f*ck: Rich dudes, married men, rich kids, Diddy Notable events: August St. Tropez is known for being a luxury destination to the elite of the world, which means only the hottest women manage to make it there because they go where the money goes. Don't be fooled, she isn't going there to sharpen up on her French history, rather to hang out at VIP rooms every night and walk out with that tacky t-shirt and hat everyone wears. If she is hot enough to have the Elite hit on her, then she will most likely end up getting f*cked on a 400-foot yacht or at a chateau, where she will wake up to a breakfast made for a queen. This is the very point you have lost her.
10. On A cruiseTypes of guys she might f*ck: Anyone Notable events: Winter break, Spring break, Summer Boats and hoes. Do we really need to say anymore? There is nothing that gets girls more wet than then simply being on a boat -- which they wished was their private yacht, drinking with their girls. It's just bound to happen as you are partying right where you are staying. It's too dangerous and the risk is too high. They may even have their "Titanic" moment at the head of the ship. That is when you're really f*cked because there is no way he looks like Leonardo.
9. Anywhere In Australia
Types of guys she might f*ck: Australians Notable events: November-March (That is their summer) The thing about Aussie men is that they could care less about you because they are so far away from you. It's like they live on another planet -- and I assure you that your girlfriend is not taking a 24-hour flight not to get f*cked by an Aussie guy on the beach, who is making her crazy with his accent and the amount of times he has called her mate. Ya, they will definitely be mating in Australia. Whatever happens in Australia will never make it back home because the distance is just astronomical.
Types of guys she might f*ck: Mexicans, Californians, celebrities Notable events: Spring Break No one goes to Cabo without having sex. It's just way too far for anyone to venture off to who is not either having an affair or looking for some quick booty. It's actually known as the place to take your mistress because it is so isolated. Who knows she may even bump into Derek Jeter and he'll show her what his Yankee is all about. She may even find out that she has a craving for Hispanic men that look like the belong in novelas.
7. New Orleans
Types of guys she might f*ck: Crazy southerners, urban guys, college kids, The Saints, a Ryan Gosling looking guy Notable events: Mardi Gras, Super Bowl, All-Star Weekend, St. Patrick's Day Bourbon street, a place where beads can get a girl to flash 100 horny dudes standing on a balcony patiently waiting to see which girl had it on her bucket list. Not only is it a place where people get absolutely trashed, but I'm pretty sure all the drinks that are handed out by the bars are spiked. Bourbon street might have her banging with beads around her neck. Not pretty.
Types of guys she might f*ck: College bros, future illegal immigrants Notable events: Spring break Who could forget the good ol' days of watching MTV spring break in Cancun. All the girls just looked like they were dripping sex every time the camera showed their faces. College bros will f*ck anything and Cancun is where they are kings, as it is just too easy to bang multiple women. The tequila brings poor decisions to the point they are twerking in front of everyone at the pool with their terrible white girl sunburn.
Types of guys she might f*ck: Actors, wannabe actors, surfers, free spirits, musicians Notable events: Award season, all year round. Think about how sick to your stomach you might be if your girlfriend manages to f*ck not only your favorite actor, but also your favorite wrestler growing up -- of course we are referring to The Rock. LA is filled with guys that may just tip her over the edge, like the surfer boy who looks like he belongs on "Laguna Beach" -- which of course was her favorite show growing up. Worst of all, you have the wannabe actors who are trying to convince her they are the next Ryan Gosling, or worse...it is actually Ryan Gosling who gives it to her. But nothing can possibly top the chances of Justin Bieber bumping into her at the Ivy, picking her up and banging her. Are you really going to let a child do that to your girl, bro?
Types of guys she might f*ck: European men, DJs Notable events: July 1st-September 21st Ibiza is a great place, but if she even hints that she wants to go there without you, just know she is most likely not the right girl to be with. A place where not drinking is seen as weird and parties go from 4pm to 8am, I assure she's not looking to get a good night's sleep. Between all the drugs passed around, all it takes is that European bro to speak broken English to her in his shitty Italian accent while raging at Ushuaia to Afrojack -- and he is rocking her world in ways you never did. The music and the culture of Ibiza have sex written all over it. She can't just rage, take molly and then have nothing fulfill her wetness.
3. New York
Types of guys she might f*ck: Finance guys, promoters, businessmen, anyone who can sell their bullshit to her, LES hippies. Notable events: All year round, The Hamptons Girls don't go to New York for the sightseeing or ice skating in Central Park. They come here to meet their dreamy New Yorker who has an aggressive attitude and an ego that can turn her on. Sure you might be a great boyfriend and a nice guy, but New York is filled with assholes and that's just what she is looking for when she comes here. We are constantly on the hunt here in New York, and anytime we sense fresh meat from out of town we attack it because we know it's so easy -- even a LES hippie can close on it. Trust me they are not coming out here to reenact their favorite movie "Serendipity," but rather end up on KirillWasHere.com while downing a champagne facial at Ave.
Types of guys she might f*ck: anyone and everyone Notable events: EDC, New Years, Long weekends, Pedestrian holidays Let's be honest, we don't have to spend too much time on this destination, but if you are actually dumb enough and naive enough to think she is not going to f*ck anyone while she is in Vegas with her girlfriends, then you really need to reevaluate how dumb you really are. Vegas is the epitome of YOLO and, of course, what happens there stays there unless of course it's chlamydia -- then she's bringing that shit back and gives it to you. Congratulations.
Types of guys she might f*ck: South American men, rappers, athletes, Jewish guys Notable events: Ultra, Spring Break, Art Basel, Memorial Day Weekend Miami is a great place, and one of the most frequent places that girls decide to take that trip to, but the chances of her cheating on you are quite high. Between the hot sun beaming on her all day, getting wasted and being half naked most of the time -- eventually she is going to get the urge to ride something. Wet willies on Miami beach, to dancing on couches at LIV, someone is going to try to scoop her up and eventually she will give into the YOLO movement. Let's just pray it doesn't happen at LIV on Sunday. No one goes to Miami without trying to f*ck -- and the last thing they are thinking about are their boyfriends back home while they are stumbling through the Shore Club lobby.