Father’s Day is just around the corner and if you’re like anyone else in generation-Y, your dad probably doesn’t really f*ck with you right now. But don’t fret. We have just the cure.
How else could you possibly kill that whole “pissed off tension” that’s been building up this summer? Well you can bestow upon him the most extravagant of gifts, of course. And I’m not talking about your typical bottle of Scotch or brand new 9 iron.
Give your pops what he wants. Enough of that regular bullsh*t. Remember, he’s a man. So think like one when you’re shopping for his gift. This is a guy who is dying to be young again, so simulate that feeling for him. Remind his old ass that he can still have fun and live life freely. Don’t just constrain him to a brand new barbecue grill so he can cook for you and your friends when you’re all stoned out of your minds.
This is the time to show how much you appreciate him showing you the ropes. Remember when he taught you to ride a bike? Or when he let you set off your first firework? Yeah, amazing. Give him that exact same feeling you felt as a child.
However — no one ever said that this was going to come cheap. There’s a heavy price to pay for luxury. And I’m talking heavy. These are the 10 things you can get your dad for Father’s Day that will make him love you again:
The Jet Lev ($130K to buy, $5K to rent)
It’s summer time and what better way to show your appreciation than by giving him the ultimate aquatic toy. The Jet Lev is essentially a jet pack for the beach. Now what man wouldn’t appreciate that?
Watch your pops soar through the air then dive back down like a dolphin until he can’t take it anymore. And the best part is you can have your fun with it when he’s done. Now that’s a multipurpose buy.
15 Liter bottle of Ace of Spades ($100,000)
Let’s be honest, your dad is stressed. Seeing your sister be a complete smut in her sorority at school and your mom being a c*nt to him has him beyond sick. This 15 liter bottle of Ace of Spades may just be the cure.
He will surely forget this and many other issues that stress fathers out as soon as he pops this bottle. What’s even better is you’ll get to pour it up with him too. There is no way he can drink this thing straight to the head otherwise he would probably die. And that’s the worst gift you can give your father: death.
A Go Pro ($200)
This is one of the best ways to encourage your dad to get out there and be active. A go pro will help him document any kind of mid-life crisis activity that he is interested in: from sky-diving, to cliff jumping or even just riding a motorcycle.
Hell, let him go to the strip club and review the tapes later for his viewing pleasure. Whatever it takes for him to use the damn thing.
A Snap Chat Account (Free .99)
We all know our dads try so hard to be hip sometimes. So what better way to get him with the times than by getting him a SnapChat account on his iPhone.
Put him on with a couple of shorties too and he will be having the time of his life in no time. However this can potentially ruin his relationship with your mom. That’s what you call a double-edged sword.
A Pax and an ounce of weed ($750)
Like I already mentioned, your dad is stressed! Help him relieve some of this after he gets wasted (and presumably hungover) by giving him a Pax and an ounce of some bomb bud.
In case you didn’t know, the Pax is the only vapor smoking device that makes blazing some ganja socially acceptable. He can literally toke up anywhere he wants, as the Pax is almost completely odorless and undetectable. No one will ever know that he is baked out of his mind…just like I am right now.
A SpyHawk FPV Drone ($650)
There is no cooler man toy than a motherf*cking drone. I mean what guy wouldn’t want to spy on your hot neighbor or see who’s been stealing your mail? I certainly know who would want to do those things — your dad!
He will feel like a kid again with this awesome piece of technology. Equipped with a video camera, he can record anything and everything he wants. And that’s what every father wants. To creep around the neighborhood with a sketchy ass drone.
The Ferrari LaFerrari ($1.3 million)
What better way to show your father your appreciation than by giving him the car that literally costs an arm and a leg? After this I think it’s safe to say you have a pass on gifts to him for the rest of his life.
Just pray to God he doesn’t crash this damn thing.
The Jacob & Co. Caligula Watch ($69,000)
This is exactly what your father needs in his life. A completely perverted watch to make him look like a creepy old man. Perfect. Every hour a threesome will emerge from the timepiece that will make your own mother cringe.
What is love? Love is giving your father this extra special watch designed by none other than Jacob & Co. Now that’s luxury.
23K Gold Chocolate Bacon
Bacon. A man’s meal. Show your father that he is a man’s man by giving him some good old fashioned 23K chocolate covered bacon. Now that’s something to be proud of.
How amazing is this damn thing? Sure it’s just one piece, but it’s a piece that will stick with him for life. Try fighting off any temptation you may have to eat it yourself though. That would suck and be amazing at the same damn time.
A high-end escort ($15,000 for 24 hours)
Give your dad the time of his life. With a beautiful and young high-end escort, he will feel like the man again! A good one will run you up to around $15,000 for a 24-hour experience, but the price tag is well worth it for his happiness.
Hell if things work out, you might even have a new step-mother. That would be the ultimate win-lose situation. Actually, be careful with this gift. Things can turn weird real quick.
Please note that David Arabov is related to the Jacob & Co family.