The 10 Trivial Things The NSA Has Learned About Our Generation

The 10 Trivial Things The NSA Has Learned About Our Generation
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Last week, the U.S. government confirmed that the U.S.’s National Security Agency (NSA)  has been wire-tapping communications between Americans and foreign nationals over the internet for a number of years. From Verizon phone calls, to Facebook statuses, to Google searches and Skype calls, the government has been invading our privacy in more ways than one.

With all of this information, what have they learned about us? What does the government now think of Gen-Yers?

Here are the 10 Things NSA Has Learned About Us

We’ve all taken a naked selfie.

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We’ve all done it before. Whether it was to send to a significant other, a person we were wooing or just to see it for ourselves, everyone has snapped at least one or two pictures of their crotch before. Sometimes it’s just cool to see your privates in high definition.

We have some of the most incriminating Google searches.

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From trivial nonsense like “cat memes,” to “funny GIFs,” to more seductive searches like “anal penetration” and “crazy fetish porn,” I’m pretty sure the average Gen Yers would NOT want their Google histories to be revealed.

 What we all eat for lunch.

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According to a recent study done by no one, social media is being destroyed by photos of macaroni and cheese. For some reason unbeknownst to mankind, we have become obsessed with posting pictures of our previous meals, as if we take pride in being the most obese country in the world.

We devote 2/3 of our time online stalking our exes.

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When we are not looking at each other’s spring break albums, we are devoting all of our energy to stalking the ones who got away. Whether it’s because we miss their presence in our lives, or we just want to make sure that their newest spouse is an ugly, fat, loser who isn’t half as cool as we are, we spend more time on our exes Facebook walls than we do on our own.

We’ve all had Skype sex before.

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Whether it was with a girlfriend/boyfriend who was studying abroad, lived in another state, or we were just too lazy to meet up, we’ve all gotten naked and spread our legs in front of our computers, at least two or three times. You haven’t? Well you’re a liar! The government knows the truth….

The average male sends the most text messages from 1am to 3am on Friday and Saturday nights.

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Late night booty calls have become an American male tradition dating back to the creation of the cell phone. No guy wants to spend the weekend nights alone, and therefore we viciously send out as many texts as possible to try and find someone to touch our dicks. On occasion, these texts become so desperate that they are mass texts sent out to every past hookup and potential future f*ck buddy we know.

The longer our Facebook status is, the more important we assume we are.

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Naturally, all Gen Yers think that they’re important and that their voices MUST be heard. With so many people constantly posting all over the web, we make sure that when we have something “of essence” to share that it stands out. It’s the internet’s version of “the louder I speak the more important I am.”

We have porn on every device we own.

American Reunion: Day 47

With every advancement in technology comes a new platform for masturbation! From our phones, to our computers, to our ipads, Kindles, and Nooks, if there’s a way to access the Interent, there’s a way to download porn.

We’re never as good looking as we are in our default pictures.

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The most common mistake someone can make on Facebook is assuming people actually look like they do in their default pictures. From Instagram, to Photoshop, to specific angles and the “skinny arm,” no one ever actually looks like what they do in their default picture. That’s why you know if someone looks gross in their default, there’s a 95% chance they are a hideous person and you should immediately refrain from ever running into them in real life. That’s how dreams get ruined.

There really is no such thing as privacy anymore.

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We are the most public generation of all time. Every move we make, picture we take, thought we have, meal we eat and then defecate, we openly post for the world of social media to see. Do we even know what privacy is enough to actually care about someone invading it? Maybe we can get more followers from it!! Who wouldn’t get excited to receive an email that read “The US Government is now following you on Twitter”? You know you would be!

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Tyler Gildin

Tyler Gildin is an NYC-based Stand Up Comedian and the Creative Director at Elite Daily. He is a Television Radio Film graduate from Syracuse University and performs at clubs and colleges all over the country. He’s been written up and interviewed in publications including Newsday, CBS New York, AOL Patch and SiriusXM Mad Dog Radio. He once forgot to wear his underwear to school in 4th grade, and his mom came and brought them for him in a manila envelope. His teacher opened it in front of the class.

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