Much to the disdain of music history, the softest fight in hip hop occurred last week. The elements of the affair began with Chris Brown and Drake deciding to take time out of their busy schedules to pay W.i.P. a visit on an odd Wednesday night. What started as a friendly gesture from Chris Brown turned into a club-clearing brawl. But what remains unclear are the events leading up to dispute.
Sources keep saying that Drake was the one to initiate the fight after sending Chris a note saying, “I’m f****** the love of your life.” Yes, that message is certainly grounds for a fight on Chris Brown’s part, but Drake is actually the one who threw the first bottle.
About 5 people were severely injured after the fight, sustaining injuries such as gashes on their head from the glass bottles breaking on them. Tony Parker even injured his cornea from the glass. Yes, it was really a great idea to throw glass around as if you were in kindergarten you morons.
We have thus far only mentioned a few facts of the event, but there are still several things we really do not understand about the idiotic fight:
10. The fight happened at 5 a.m.?
You know that saying, “Nothing good ever happens past 3 a.m.?” Well, this is the case that proves the point. Reports say that the fight broke out at 5 a.m. This is as idiotic as it is unbelievable, because liquor is not supposed to be served in New York City after 4 a.m. Besides, most clubs die down after 3 a.m.
It is even more uncommon for A-listers to stay out so late. Why would you if you could go home with any girl in the city? There probably will not be much logical reasoning found when reflecting upon this fight, especially since it occurred at an unreasonable hour.
9. Why did they both have their shirts off?
Chris Brown had no shirt on. Drake was in a wife-beater – he actually looked like he picked it up off the sidewalk during the Gay Pride parade. We are unsure about your opinion, but we have yet to attend a high end club where someone is shirtless or in a wife-beater. Save that for your local block party.
It is quite strange that the only two idiots in the club who were inappropriately dressed decided to fight each other – or maybe it is not strange at all. The fight may very well have started over who could claim to be the worst dressed in NYC nightlife.
8. Where did Drake find paper to write a note on in the club?
Sources say the fight was sparked over Drake sending a note written on paper to Chris, which is considered to say, “I’m f****** the love of your life”. What nightclub has a pen and notepad ready for patrons to write notes on in the city? Maybe Drake carries around a special stationary scented with Justin Bieber’s “Someday” perfume. If this is true, no wonder Chris was so offended.
But there is no way Drake just carries around a diary to rip pages to write notes on in the club. So maybe the pen came from the bottle girl, but a piece of paper?
7. Who fights over Rihanna?
If they were fighting over Kate Upton, then no one would ever question why this fight happened. But Rihanna?
Yes, the girl can sing. But she is not hot. She is unshapely, extremely tall, and she tends to dress like a punk with a red weave. She is not a saint either; rumors have it that she has slept with Jay-Z, Chris Brown, Drake, and Meek Mill.
We cannot fathom a reason why anyone would sleep with Meek Mill. Fighting over the girl anyone can have makes that man seem slightly desperate. And for those of you who are already famous: date white girls, duh. Fighting over Rihanna is like fighting over a side of fries on the Dollar Menu at McDonald’s.
6. They are both so soft
Chris Brown used to be a choir boy at his local church. His current musical style is not even rap, it is more of a Usher-esque pop. Drake began his career starring on the hit Nickelodeon show Degrassi, which was based in the Canadian city of Toronto.
Toronto has a crime rate 0f -10. Drake once tore his ACL by slipping on stage, and he continuously writes songs about his ex-girlfriend. He is currently producing a rap song with Justin Bieber. There should be no reason that these two children would ever be involved in a fight. Leave that for the drug-dealing rappers who spent their childhood in jail.
5. What the hell was Tony Parker doing there?
Reports surfaced that Tony Parker was also attending Urban Night at WiP that evening. He somehow managed to damage his cornea – the most sensitive part of the eye – from glass being thrown around. Tony, you just had your championship hopes dashed by the Oklahoma City Thunder. There is no reason that you should be celebrating at WiP one week later.
4. Why did Drake run into the bathroom?
As if these two guys were not soft enough (refer to point 6), reports have surfaced that Drake ran into the bathroom with his security team the second the ruckus began. If Drake really did instigate the fight with Chris Brown, and subsequently ran into the bathroom when things started going down, then we cannot think of a softer way to top off Drake’s career.
That is one cowardly move. Note to our readers: if you are gonna start a fight, do not ever run away from it. Running away is the type of lesson you learn while watching Nickelodeon in Canada.
3. Why did they use bottles for weapons?
It might be better to pull out a gun then to throw heavy champagne bottles around. Kidding! Anyway, this is just another coward move in the fight. If you are going to fight someone, use your fists and settle it the right way with a fair fight. Do not take the easy way out by throwing thick glass champagne bottles everywhere.
This will only hurt the innocent bystanders looking to enjoy themselves. Five people who were not with either party got severely hurt, and they plan to sue both parties involved in the fight. We cannot wait to see that settlement check.
2. Why did Chris Brown tweet a picture of his chin?
A few people were injured to the point that warranted hospital visits, stitches and one case of staples to heal their wounds. Chris Brown sustained a minor cut on his chin, which looks more like a shaving nick than a battle wound.
If that is all that you received from being hit by a champagne bottle, then you do not have much to say other than that you were probably hiding in the stall next to Drake when the fight began.On a side note: why in the world does Chris Brown have a nose ring?
1. No one knows who started it
The million disparate reports all tell varying stories that barely mesh into a slightly coherent story. Some state Chris Brown threw the first punch, others state Drake threw the first bottle, and a different story states Meek Mill is the root cause of the altercation. This is not shocking when your boss is a Biggie wannabe. WiP needs to cough up their surveillance tapes so that everyone can see what really happened.
Bonus – What the big face was thinking?
This one will only be understood by people from New York. If you have ever been to WiP, then you know about the giant, illuminated face in the center of WiP. It bears some of the oddest expressions throughout the night, and everyone who visits decides to Instagram a picture of it to seem hip.
This only leaves us to ask, what would the big face would think of the whole fight? Worst of all, Rihanna was no where to be found. Who fights over a girl who is not even present to fight over? She did happen to be partying it up in NYC all weekend long.
Maybe she was too busy sleeping with a different rapper that night. If so, we will not be surprised if guns are involved the next time someone starts a fight over Rihanna. After this debacle, it should be a law in New York that entourages are not allowed into clubs – the average person does not roll 20 guys deep to go drink a glass of champagne.