The 25 People You Encounter On NYC Subways
There is nothing like riding the subway in NYC. You never really know what you’re going to get once you step foot into the city’s underworld but one thing is certain; nothing will prepare you for some of the ratchet shit that goes on down there.
The people that you encounter on a day-to-day basis are straight out a s sci-fi movie. However these are the same people who make NYC what it is: a melting pot of crazy ass people.
Make sure you’re ready for what you will surely witness if you’re not from around here. These are the 25 People You Encounter On NYC Subways.
25. The Homeless Guy Who Smells Like Shit
We’ve all seen him. The guy who smells so terrible that he clears out the entire Subway car. No one wants to say anything because he is clearly homeless, but god damn! Wash yo ass! He is commonly seen wrapped in newspapers with a large pushing cart full of goodies. His piss poor smell is something that will haunt you for life.
24. The Dude Who Listens To Music Way Too Loud
We get it dude. You like Meek Mill. But there is no reason I should have to listen to the entire Dreamchasers 2 mixtape on the way to work or school. No one refers to you as “Racked Up Shawty.” If they did, then you probably wouldn’t be taking the train. Why don’t you start listening to some music you can relate to?
23. The Kids Selling Candy
These kids are truly urban entrepreneurs. We all know you aren’t raising money for your basketball team, so just stop with this act. There’s nothing wrong with their hustle but beware if you try to buy a chocolate bar during summer. You will surely be eating a melted piece of shit.
22. The Panhandler With The Crazy Story
As unfortunate as it is, some people are forced to beg on the train for change. And even worse is that most people just ignore them. While we feel bad for you, most of us don’t like to be bothered during our commute. Headphones usually come on when he starts his rant about losing his job and his dog dying. It’s New York, man. This is the only place where literally anyone can become a millionaire if they tried.
21. The Comedian Who Cuts Everyone’s Ass
This guy is usually spotted on the 6 train on Friday nights when all of the young people are going out. He puts on a show, hollering at all the cute ladies, making them hilariously uncomfortable or cutting ass on anyone who looks funny. It’s all fun and games… until he starts to violate you.
20. The Super Stoned Dude
This guy looks like he walked in straight off a bong rip. Not only does he smell like a fresh blunt but his eyes are as red as the devil’s dick and he can’t get that silly grin off his face. Unless you are this guy, you completely hate him and are envious of his wavy lifestyle.
19. The Cute Chicks Who Only Get Off at 14th and 59th Street
Whenever we see these girls, we can’t help but get that “You’re Beautiful” song by James Blunt out of our head. It seems like whenever you see them, they are just about to get off… and most of the time it’s either at 14th street Union Square or at 59th. Bullshit. You trying to come to the crib and watch me and my boys play 2K?
18. The Cluster Of Tourists
Did you deadass just roll up to NYC 40 people deep? You can usually spot these creatures wearing horrible denim and Skechers shoes. They are seen exclusively around Times Square and 42nd street, and they most of the time ruin your vibe. Not to be a typical asshole New Yorker, but please go back to your shitty state. You aren’t built for this life.
17. The Loud Ass High School Kids
Is it me or are high school kids getting crazier and crazier? They usually roll in packs and are 10 times more ratchet than you can ever remember being at that age. You never know what you’ll get with them either, whether it be the most idiotic conversation you ever heard in your life or them dancing around like dickheads, you are sure to be annoyed.
16. The Last F*cker In
This guy. You had to do it didn’t you? Didn’t you already see that the train is at capacity? What would propel you to jump your fat ass in the car just to add to the already overcrowded space? This guy makes your ride experience all the less enjoyable as pretty much everyone in his vicinity hates him.
15. The Guy Having The Worst Day Ever Wishing A Motherf*cker Would
This dude is just waiting to bop someone in the face. He obviously had a shitty day, so you use your best judgment to not even look his way. If some poor soul decides to even test him, then you have your latest Worldstar video to record.
14. The Ultra Gay Dude
What is good with this dude? We have nothing against gay people, but god damn! He uses the train as his stage to do ridiculously sus things such as dance around or sing. And the worst is when they use the pole to swing around as if it was was some kind of giant metal dick. We get it, you’re probably a Broadway dancer but no one is trying to see you twerking around after a long day at work.
13. The Abusive Mother
It’s hard being a single mother, especially when you have five kids and are trying to take them somewhere in the city. To be able to do this, you obviously have to be strict. But sometimes mothers take it a little too far, even in front of a crowd of people. Is everyone on the train supposed to pretend like they didn’t just hear some lady tell her 3-year-old son that she was going to smack the shit out of him if he got up again? It’s cool.
12. The Chinese Lady Selling DVDs/Mexicans Selling Churros
These old ladies are hustlers! And they got that work! When does any New Yorker have time to watch a $15 movie at the theater? Never. So why not cop a bootleg of Springbreakers and watch it now? And don’t forget about the churro lady. She got the cinnamon sticks for days.
11. The Kids from Harlem That Think They’re in Cirque du Soleil
These are the kids who think the subway car is an interactive dance floor. Beware if you are standing by a handle bar as they use these to propel themselves into what is the real Harlem Shake. This is mild entertainment at most.
10. The Asshole Who’s Eating
The last thing you want to smell in the packed underworld of NYC is McDonald’s breakfast. Sure this is a great meal, but it’s also the last scent you want to experience in a place infested with rats and crackheads. There is something really unappealing about being in the same cart as a sausage egg McMuffin and the smelly guy.
9. The Girl With Her Hair In Your Face
The train can get crowded, this much we know. But there is nothing more annoying than when some chick’s messy bun gets all in your face. Especially when she’s muck. If you do find yourself in the rare situation of being behind a hot girl, then you have the pleasure of enjoying some of the sweetest scents the train will ever have to offer. But then again, you’re more than likely to end up next to some smelly white chick with purple dreads. Horrible.
8. The Sleeping Guy
There is nothing more entertaining than watching some guy fighting his own sleep to stay awake on the train. You pray that he misses his stop just to see him freak out when he realizes how far he has gone. But you often never get to see this as homeboy is completely assed out for the entire duration of your trip.
7. The Hot Girl That Everyone’s Gawking At
A little advice: don’t be a hot girl in the subway. Guys are used to seeing some Princess Fiona from Shrek shit down there so when a hot chick comes around it’s truly a miracle. What are you doing down here anyway? Don’t girls like you take cabs? Did you not find your sugar daddy yet? She’s definitely a whore. That’s pretty much the thought process of every guy whenever they see this natural phenomenon.
6. The Crazy Thug
This guy makes the guy who is having the worst day ever look like a straight bitch. How do you even get that buff? And hood? Most of the time they will be seen wearing some wild looking jacket, but who the hell is going to tell them they look like an idiot? I mean come on. This guy looks like he’s straight off Ryker’s Island. How the hell is he with the general population right now?
5. The Mariachi Dudes
Ain’t no party like a Mariachi party. And sometimes on the train, that’s exactly what it is! These three little dudes
have a lot of heart, playing their country music for a bunch of asshole New Yorkers. They always turn up and make every ride they’re on enjoyable.
4. The Super Sweaty Dude
Tell me how it’s 60 degrees outside and the train A/C is on and homeboy is perspiring like he just popped three mollys. He is undeniably sweaty and honestly, it’s quite offensive. Get your shit together, man. Go to the doctors and get that checked out or something!
3. The Handrail Kamikaze
This person will go at all costs to get their hand on a rail. Relax, it’s so f*cking crowded in here that if there was a sharp turn, you couldn’t go anywhere if you wanted to. Even worse is when their hand keeps sliding onto yours. Either get taller or back up, please!
2. The PDA Couple
What, you couldn’t afford a cab to go smash your girl? Keep this shit off the train, guys. No seriously, there’s definitely mad germs everywhere, this isn’t “The Notebook.” And stop grinding on him, you’re starting to give me a boner now. Seriously.
1. The Seat Shark
This is the scum of the NYC subway. And usually it’s some old ass lady. They are ruthless and will go at all costs to make sure they are seated for one more stop. But whatever. They’re probably going to die in a couple of years anyway. Too much?
Top Photo Credit: Getty Images