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BREAKING NEWS: The Human Body Apparently Ages

Recently, the viewing public, while watching the popular film “Star Wars,” was surprised to find out that the human body apparently undergoes significant changes over time.

The shock was centered around the appearance of actress Carrie Fisher, who plays the once-21-year-old Princess Leia, but who, in the 38 years since the release of the first “Star Wars” film, appeared to have undergone significant changes to her appearance.

Apparently unaware of their own mortality, many members of the audience found themselves confused and disgusted by the actress’s body, which, while once featured in an infamous gold bikini for their masturbatory pleasure, appeared to have become the body of a 59-year-old woman.

The actress’s face, too, had undergone changes to its general elasticity and symmetry, which caused some savvy audience members to note that it appeared almost as if she had “aged.”

When consulted, scientists and medical professionals confirmed this hunch, verifying unequivocally that the human body, over time, does indeed age. Some of these apparently heretofore unknown processes include wrinkling of the face and body, greying of the hair or balding, diminished eyesight, a slowing metabolism, declines in fertility and an increased susceptibility to disease.

They could not verify an increasing lack of “f*ckability” as a symptom at this time. In fact, scientists seemed more concerned about the higher risk factors for disease and death in an aging population.

These revelations are sending shock waves across the world today, as the American public realizes it is this natural “aging” process that may be behind the confusing and upsetting appearances of other American actresses and celebrities such as Renee Zellweger, Kim Novak, Madonna, Kirstie Alley, Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears and other women in the public eye who look unsettlingly different than they did in their teens and 20s.

Doctors have confirmed that aging is an ongoing process, and it will continue to happen, even to those who find it distasteful in famous women.

It has also been confirmed that these same aging markers affect the faces and bodies of men, but that in those cases, nobody seems to really care.

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Emily McCombs

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