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Generation whY!? OMG Let’s Grab Brunch!!

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Tyler Gildin

Having brunch has become the new IT thing to do.

Instead of watching cartoons on Saturday and Sunday mornings, our generation now has become obsessed with going to brunch. Though Gen Y-ers didn’t create the idea of brunch, we sure have given it a new meaning. Somehow brunch went from being that late breakfast you occasionally had every few weeks with your grandparents, to that meal you have hungover every weekend with your friends, desperately trying to sober up with every bite. That is, unless you’re drinking at brunch, too…

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According to Webster’s dictionary, brunch is simply “a meal serving as both breakfast and lunch,” but to Gen-Y, it has become so much more. Brunch has become our generation’s only forum for in-person gossip. When we’re not texting, tweeting, liking and posting, we’re prepping all of our best gossip for the weekend’s brunch.

Girls are especially the worst. Guys, if you’re out with a girl on a Saturday night, and you know she has brunch plans with her friends the next morning, you better be on your best behavior. Women practically write down note by note what they’re going to contribute to the next morning’s gossip-fest, so you better not fuck anything up!

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Most girlfriend brunches usually consist of at least two members of the crew wearing their clothes from the night before, or their latest lay’s sweatshirt. It’s as if the walk-of-shame leads directly up to the brunch location. Bang; Bed; Brunch. It’s the Triple B method! It’s like going from one sausage to the next! (Insert every girl cringing.)

Brunch also serves as a way for women to avoid eating too much throughout the day. Don’t want to eat breakfast and lunch? Brunch is a great way to avoid all of the calories of eating both meals! I know some girls who will get “so full” after brunch, they practically don’t eat a meal for the rest of the day.

“Ughh I’m still so full from brunch 8 hours ago. Maybe I’ll eat again tomorrow”- potentially anorexic biatch.

It’s also an opportunity for girls who haven’t seen each other in a while to catch up on each other’s gossip. What better way to catch up than by impatiently waiting for your muffins, eggs and mimosas? Brunch has become so trendy that it’s almost become a competition to see who can eat at all the cool new spots. And of course, you HAVE to Instagram it, too.

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Every time a girl hears of a new place, she practically calls up and makes a reservation on the spot. If you’re the only one in your group of friends who hasn’t been to a spot, you either spend too much time with your boyfriend, or you’re just too much of a whore to make it to brunch in the morning.

Couples at brunch can also tell you a lot about their relationship. From their body language, to their clothes, to what they order, you can figure out many of the hidden meanings of brunch. Brunch has replaced the morning-after pill, as the post-sex wake up ritual. Sometimes, brunch is the only leverage some guys have. “Honey, can we do anal tonight?” “Only if you promise to take me to brunch in the morning! There’s this new trendy spot I’ve been dying to try.”

The only issue with brunch: post-brunch poops are the worst. If you can manage to get a pre-game crap in, or at least a halftime release, you’re golden, but if you wait until after the meal for your first bowel movement of the day, it’s gonna be a rough one. Especially if you did anal last night!  (Ok, you can vomit now.)

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So Gen-Yers, relax with the whole brunch craze. I love an excuse to eat pancakes midday as much as the next guy, but sometimes it’s nice just to have a bowl of cereal and post up on the couch. Stop making brunch such a pretentious necessity, instead of the occasional fun get-together it should be. I fear the future generation may never even know that breakfast and lunch ever existed. Let’s not let brunch take over our lives.

Long live breakfast!

Check out last week’s ‘Generation whY!? Begging For Retweets

Photo courtesy Guest of a Guest 

Tyler Gildin

Tyler Gildin

Editor

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