If A Harry Potter Football League Existed It Would Be Magical (Photos)
It’s a well-documented fact that wizards only play one sport.
Let me describe it for you: A bunch of people fly around on broomsticks, try not to pass out from internal bleeding and throw around a red ball, which is actually completely irrelevant because there’s another tinier ball that’s really the only one that matters.
Unless you are like that girl from “The Ring” (and have been stuck at the bottom of a well for many years), you know this sport is called Quidditch.
Wizards love Quidditch. They just can’t get enough of watching terrible things happen to children in the sky. Apparently, wizards also love brain injuries.
So, by the transitive property of Muggle math (math, for the wizards reading this, is this thing you should really learn), wizards would love football as it is our most dangerous sport for the brain.
So what would the Harry Potter Football League (HPFL) look like?
Don’t worry, we’ve done the thinking for you (with a little bit of magic of our own).
The Gryffindor Lions
The Gryffindors are known for their bold playing, their willingness to put themselves in harm’s way and their frequent, horrible injuries.
They are not known for the complexity of their plays, which mostly have names like “Be Brave!” and “Support Each Other!”
The Ravenclaw Eagles
The Ravenclaws are generally considered the most sophisticated of the wizard football teams and almost exclusively use trick plays.
Their most famous trick play is called “The Cho Chang” and involves the team being very lazily racist the whole game to disrupt the other team’s morale.
The Slytherin Snakes
The Slytherins have been mired in controversy for years. They have been accused of steroid use, bribing referees, late hits, throwing sand, and bad stuff with snakes.
Their plays are named things like “Get The Mudblood” and “Just Cheat.”
The Hufflepuff Badgers
The Hufflepuffs just suck — no two ways about it.
They are not good at football. They had a handsome guy on their team once, and he was pretty good, but then he got murdered, so they just went back to being balls again. Nice guys, though.
Most famous plays: “It’s Not About Winning” and “Fumble.”
The Death Eaters
The Death Eaters are one of the best-funded of the wizard teams and carry a lot of influence over the HPFL.
A brutal, well-organized team, the Death Eaters often dominate their opponents, but weirdly seem to have a lot of difficulty playing against children.
Most famous play: “Murder.”
You’d think the Muggles would be amazing at football, seeing as it’s a sport invented by their kind. Unfortunately, all the really good Muggle football players play in more important, non-magical leagues.
For this reason, most of the Muggles’ players end up being Canadian.
Their most famous play is called “The War of 1812,” which consists of the entire team just reminding the opposing team of that one time they scored against them 200 years ago (look it up, guys).
The Gringotts Goblins
Definitely the best-funded team in the HPFL, but also the one with the worst record, having never won a single game. They’re even worse than the Hufflepuffs — and the Hufflepuffs, as I mentioned, are complete human garbage (nice guys, though).
The Gringotts’ problem is that everyone on the team is an actual tiny goblin, and their pads are made of pure, heavy gold.
Basically, they’re like golden yard gnomes trying to play football.
They have no famous plays.
So, yeah, the Dragons just always win.
They use pretty simple but super effective plays like “Fly,” “Breath Fire” and “Continue Being a Dragon.”
They’re dragons. Real dragons. Like in “Game of Thrones.” They win. You get it.
The Order of the Phoenix
The Phoenixes used to be good. But then all their players got too old or too “murdered by Voldemort,” and now they have to forfeit most games.
Their most famous play is called “The Power Of Love” in which one or two players will let themselves get brutally injured and/or killed in order to score a TD.
The Ministry of Magic
The Ministry of Magic’s team became super unpopular after failing to hire coach Albus Dumbledore, who went on to coach the Gryffindors to a championship last year.
They have also come under flack for refusing to put in valuable wide receiver Arthur Weasley because of his vocal interest in the NFL.
Most famous plays: “Everything Is Fine!” and “Harry Potter Is A DUMB LIAR!”
Despite the name, this is just an actual football team. They are very good at football. You’ve heard of them.
They have a lot of famous plays, I guess. I’d have to look them up. I bet they do some sort of “reverse” sometimes.
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