A Letter Thanking Kanye West, From Bill Cosby

Hello Kanye,

This morning my assistant showed me the tweet you sent out defending my innocence.

As a thank you, I’m sending you one of my finest knit sweaters.

Have you seen this Drake fellow, by the way? He’s stealing my sweater thing!

But to be serious for a moment, I'm truly moved that you've come out in support of me. I'm completely shocked the public would turn on me like this after so long just because like 70 or 80 women independently said I drugged and raped them. It's a disgrace.

(My assistant has just informed me only around 35 have officially accused me. I would go back and change the number I cited, but I write everything on a typewriter, because I am so old.)

It's been hard, but with you and Whoopi Goldberg on my side, I'm feeling better.

Apart from you guys, I've also received a lot of help and emotional guidance from this wonderful celebrity support group, The Righteously Outraged Organization For Innocent Entertainers (ROOFIE).

The group has been amazing at pointing out to me that America has a long history of letting these little indiscretions go. For decades, ROOFIE has helped get dozens of male entertainers back on track.

From Roman Polanski, to Woody Allen, to Chris Brown, to Michael Jackson, ROOFIE has done everything in its power not to let a tiny bit of alleged child rape or woman-beating get in the way of an otherwise fabulous career.

ROOFIE’s advice is very simple — it can be summed up in a single word: “Wait.”

One higher up at ROOFIE explained it like this to me:

Apparently, after enough time has passed, most Americans come to believe that ‘Annie Hall’ is just a little bit better than molesting a kid is bad.

So, if you ever get in any sort of trouble related to abusing or violating any women or kids, reach out to ROOFIE. They’ll help you through it.

Love,

Dr. Bill Cosby (PS: Please stop cussing so much in your music!!)

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Alec MacDonald

Alec MacDonald is a humor writer for Elite Daily. He graduated from Vassar college and received an MFA in fiction from Sarah Lawrence. He was born and raised in New York City, which is where Home Alone 2 takes place. He loves you very much.
Alec MacDonald is a humor writer for Elite Daily. He graduated from Vassar college and received an MFA in fiction from Sarah Lawrence. He was born and raised in New York City, which is where Home Alone 2 takes place. He loves you very much.

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