A Letter From The Oscar Board On Why 'Carol' Was Totally Snubbed

To the American public,

We wanted to take the time today to address the uproar over the rejection of Todd Haynes' "Carol" from the Best Picture Category by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

After much consideration and debate, we came to the conclusion that though "Carol" is a flawlessly directed film with impeccable acting (structurally a perfect film with not a single frame of fault), we cannot conceivably place it in the Best Picture category.

Why? Because we are not fully sure what is "lesbian."

A major point of contention of the film's eligibility was the nuanced perspective of both filmmaking and of script. It was our general consensus that though there are adults out there capable of great emotional maturation in their relations, it did not seem feasible for the women ("lesbians") of the film to have dialogue that did not involve men. What do women talk about if not men? On this count, we rejected the film.

A second point of contention among many in the Academy was the notion of how the "lesbians" were portrayed. As a group of older white males, our experience of lesbianism has been limited to the select online fun-films we have researched.* What we have unearthed in our lifetime does not correlate with the depiction on screen. For example, where was the straight man in the sex act? Even the director was gay. It does not ring true.

Thirdly, are "lesbians" real? Many members were confused, as research* has proven many lesbians were simply "trying it out," "going through a phase" or more commonly "having a sleepover with Tiffany and then it got a little out of hand because we were watching 'The Bachelor' late at night and killed a bottle of Cabernet and went for a hug."

The fourth and final point of contention the Academy found was: Not a one of us is a lesbian. Not a one. Not even Tom's wife Susan.

On these counts, the board must formally reject Mr. Haynes' film.

We would like to formally acknowledge, however, Mr. Haynes' use of color is absolutely stunning. How did he get the titles to match the opening shots so perfectly? We loved that part.

Sincerely,

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

*Pornhub, 2016