An Ode To SantaCon
Just when I thought themed parties with frat guys were a distant memory I would never want to relive, I discovered SantaCon. It’s like the party I’ve always dreamed of, something everybody should experience at least once in their life.
Some might even call this event a Christmas miracle. If you define miracle as a bunch of 20 something’s dressing up in holiday-wear, spreading merriment throughout the city, caroling and drinking at 10AM sharp (start time more serious than a 9AM surgeon’s call time) before blacking out before 2PM EST – then this is indeed a Christmas miracle for all who attend.
I usually I don’t set my alarm on a Saturday but when there’s an opportunity to black out to Christmas music before 2PM, I suddenly have more energy than the Little Drummer Boy….rump-bum-bum-bump. Plus, who doesn’t love a boozy brunch? This one is just earlier and involves a higher level of dedication, therefore only the true partiers will lace up – as Darwin called it, survival of the fittest. This is the end of the year playoffs, snap off those break away pants, it’s game time – there’s a reason they save the best for last.
What’s better than an excuse to party like it’s senior year? Theming it! We finally get to put our liberal arts degrees to use and showcase our creative sides.
There are a few types of “Santas” you’ll see – the traditional, the Mrs. Claus, The Claus Couple (absolutely adorable, so happy for you) The Ho Ho Hos, The Hannukah Harrys, (yeah diversity!), Candy Canes, Kids on Christmas Morning (flannels) and whatever girls are able to figure out with one of those tutus and booty shorts (maybe a white tutu, with a white top – as in bra - with sparkly wings and look at that, you’re a fucking snow angel – and it’s holiday neutral)!
This is what Christmas is about right? Being around the people you love, sipping spiked apple cider, embracing the holiday spirit and making beautiful memories… that you’ll remember once you look at your Instagram feed in the AM (saying to yourself, “Wow, I did so good on the filters yesterday – maybe I should pursue photography”).
Also, it’s for charity – don’t forget your canned food items to drop off in the beginning. Your outfit costs most than a couple cans of food, you know you’ll be on a blackout binge later – so don’t forget the cans at the pre-game – people need it more than you need those 2 slices of pepperoni with ranch.
Plus, when mom and dad call: “Oh I’m doing this charity fundraiser all day, love you, we’ll talk later.” Have you ever felt bad after helping someone? Probably as often as you’ve said “Bringing glow sticks to this party was a bad idea,” as in never.
A pivotal moment in the game comes in that 4th quarter – do we go into overtime all laced up – or do we go home and shower for the post game party (PGP)? To avoid being confused for a bum in a Santa suit – or as some call it: a symbol of broken dreams – shower.
Or fuck it and go for it in Santa gear, as Nelly says “Ain’t no shame in my game, that normal shit ain’t my thang,” and this SantaCon ain’t no normal shit. Now, if Santa sees you while you’re sleeping, make sure you have a change of clothes as nothing is more humbling than a morning after stroll of shame in a SantaCon outfit that is now infused with vodka…imagine if you have to buy Plan B in a Santa suit – I think that’s what rock bottom looks like.
Now, as much as I love this event, it’s not one for kids. Think back to when you were a kid and had a vision of Santa as this pure, no-nonsense figure. Remember waking up on Christmas morning in your Christmas pajamas exclaiming to mom and dad “HE CAME, HE CAME!”
Your eyes not believing what they were seeing, the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, thinking Rudolf and the gang must be so tired – and “oh my gosh – he ate the cookies!” You knew in your heart only one man could do this and that man was Santa Claus.
Then some dipshit in your elementary class ruins it for you when you see her wearing a sweatshirt and you say you like it and she says Santa brought it for her, yet you saw her mom buying that exact sweater at Macy’s while you were shopping with dad.
Real fuckin buzzkill – but at least the lyrics to “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” were a little less ambiguous. What I’m saying is, if possible – let the magic ensue for as long as it can – because “you can mess with a lot of things, but you can’t mess with kids on Christmas” – Kevin McAllister.
Although your eyes will be twinkling and your cheeks will be like roses, this image of the SantaCon Santa is not exactly the vision Clement C Moore paints. (Parents – maybe a good idea to have a movie, pizza and ice cream day!).
Remember, he’s sees you when you’re sleeping he knows when you’re awake – he knows if you’ve been bad or good – so have some fun for goodness sakes!
So Happy Christmas to all and to all a good SantaCon!
Tiffany Greene | Elite.