How To Spot A Long Islander
As you kiss your mom goodbye and shut the minivan doors, you take one last deep breath before departing for the new and mysterious world more commonly known to its inhabitants as college. Everyone you’ve previously asked about college boasted of all the infinitely interesting people you will meet, and you just can’t wait to see who you’ll run into first.
You soon get word of Zeta Beta Tau’s big Welcome Week fraternity bash and think, “what better way to get a full bodied taste of the social scene?”
You are greeted by some brothers at the front door, and one of them in particular stands out for a few obvious reasons. From the thick chest hair poking out of their extra deep V-neck T-shirts down to their Sperry loafers, you can spot these characters from a mile away, anywhere.
Whether you’re at the Americana, the Trevi Fountain on their semester’s abroad, or at the Kotel on Birthright, this gift to mankind is perhaps earth’s most evasive species.
Who are these guys crushing Adderall on their cracked iPhones? What explains this cool demeanor that we all seem to hate to love, but love to hate? Where does he come from? Long Island, baby.
Don’t forget it. FLIDs, Coasties, the Bridge and Tunnel crowd, or the better half of the population in Murray Hill on a given summer, these auspicious guys all seem to navigate the world using the same self-entitled on-dash GPS, so to speak.
This list of characteristics will make these dudes easier to target and avoid for many years to come.
The “Long Island body”, or “bod” for short, is in no way impressive. Highlighted by above average sized arms without the slightest bit of definition, a hair filled chest and a large gut that could almost be mistaken for abs under the protection of a lacrosse pinny, the Long Island body is one that would be frowned upon in virtually every other American society.
The key to maintaining the “bod” is that, well, there is no maintenance. Aside from going to the self-sustaining paradise that is their neighborhood gym of choice for a few chest exercises, Long Islander’s rarely tend to break a sweat throughout the day–unless of course they “bang out a few sets of pushups” before their fraternity’s ABC mixer.
The focal point of the Long Island body is, without a doubt, the gut. Despite a rather skinny childhood, the lifestyle of leisure defined by years of underage drinking and dining at the finest restaurants their parents could afford will catch up with them. Hardly shy about their body, Long Islanders are not seldom found roaming around their majestically landscaped pools without a shirt all day.
Oh, and by the way, the bigger the gut (or bagel belly as commonly referred to by locals), the bigger their sense of entitlement. To know for sure if you’re dealing with an authentic Long Island body, ask yourself, “is this guy fat?” If you can’t answer this question definitively, you’ve got a true Long Island body on your hands.
Showcasing a snapback hat, high Nike Elite socks with sandals, and a basketball jersey every time he drinks during the day, the Long Island fashion catalog is rigidly structured.
While at your local campus club or bar, be on the lookout for a pair of dark jeans with white threading before Labor Day or white jeans with dark threading after. From there, you can truly separate the Long Islanders from the impostors.
A Long Islander can almost always be identified by his or clothes. The most customary way of presenting the above mentioned “LI bod” to the world is through a V-neck T-shirt. With that being said, this is no regular V-neck T-shirt. As a matter of fact, this blouse is seemingly tailored by the Gods for these young men.
The Long Islander’s V-neck is cut extremely low, advertising a thick mane of chest hair, topped off by a gold chai, or crucifix (in Syosset), both used solely for poking down the back end of marijuana cigarettes.
The look is finally complete with a cardigan, and the Rolex their stepdad bought for them for graduation, depending on which part of the Island they hail from. As a rule of thumb, if they got a watch, they ain’t from Suffolk.
The methodical nature of Long Islanders makes them easy to spot in action. From promoting parties with house music at the Gansevoort Rooftop over Facebook to selling an actual house with the real estate license they have no business possessing, the Long Islander is constantly, whether you know it or not, plotting money because, well, they’re usually of the entitled breed.
In their down time, Long Islanders can be found lounging around a coffee table cluttered with weed paraphernalia and empty frozen yogurt cups filled with cigarette ash. This scene is home to countless bouts of NBA 2K, always for money, and always on the 2K camera setting, which is apparently foreign to everyone except the Long Islander.
At fraternity parties, look for Long Islanders grouped together typically coordinating their outfits and arguing amongst themselves over who bummed more Marlboro 27s off whom the previous week.
It is usually not long before they make their way over to the fraternity iPod, currently supplying the party with the newest Drake hit–to great reception–and changing it to a relatively unknown techno song.
Although nobody at the party has heard this song, or is even remotely fond of it, this will never stop the small group of Long Islander’s from raving amongst themselves in the corner of the party floor.
An astonishing sight, but hey, they’re from Long Island. They’re entitled to it. To everything.
Pippen Balotelli | Elite.