There is a special place in America, not far from Manhattan and on a decently sized island, that is inhabited by a unique branch of the male species who still gel their hair, wear True Religion jeans and overuse the word “rage.”
We used to not understand these porcupine men who think they are hot sh*t, but are really just little bitches, until one very prestigious ethnographer finally gave this clan a name: F.L.I.D.S. or F*cking Long Island Douchebags.
These flidiots tell, at best, average stories about having raw sex with made-up women, and know their way around Tenjune better than Hofstra’s college campus. To ensure that you’ll be able to avoid these guys the next time you frequent the Manhasset Mall, we’ve compiled a list of telling signs that he’s a Flid.
Warning: The following material consists of extremely vapid, self-absorbed caricatures of human beings. Elite Daily is not responsible for any loss of brain cells or waste of time.
You Think You Run the LIRR
You pregame on the train, you postgame on the train, some nights you even just ride the LIRR because it’s what comes naturally to you. Your idea of a fun activity is anything that includes riding the train, and you bring your Bacardi 151 vodka-filled water bottle as your trusted companion. For the true diehards, you’ve even met your current girlfriend on the train – and that’s probably where you’ll propose to her.
You go to Kitchen Kabaret to “chill”
Mmm, nothing excites you more than prepared food and a chopped salad bar. Is there really no other market on Long Island? Why must you chill in packs at a food shop? Is the barber studio, where you get your tips highlighted, at capacity?
Thanksgiving Eve Is Your Time To Creep
You haven’t missed a Thanksgiving Eve club night since your freshman year…of high school. Your biggest dilemma is deciding between which of your promoter friends’ events you should go to. One of your promoter friends is scamming teenagers at Lillium while the other promoter friend is promising “mad bottles” to college kids back on break at Riff Raff. You know what you have to do: roofie them all.
You Say “Strong Island” And Mean It
Seriously guys? There’s nothing strong about an island that produced hundreds of “Jersey Shore” wannabes in designer wife beaters.
You Wear Sunglasses Indoors And Order Long Island Iced Teas Because You Think You’re Repping Your Hometown
Heads-up: you can take your sunglasses off inside, everyone will still recognize that you’re a Flid because of your huge dog tag chain and liberal use of lip balm. And your drink of choice, long island iced tea, is really just a dumpster filled with garbage alcohols – kind of like your girlfriend.
Your Version Of A Rivalry Is North Versus South Shore
Newsflash: this isn’t a turf battle and you don’t need to defend your town as if you’d actually risk scratching your new white BMW in a drive by. “West Side Story” was a real rumble; your fights consist of who can make a sandwich and then chug a beer the fastest and not pass out in his own vomit. We know, we know, “sh*t used to get heated,” which is really the equivalent of a Ken doll cheating on Barbie.
When You Went On Vacation To Aruba Or Puerto Rico, You Got A Henna Tattoo Around Your Bicep
Wow, badass. You wouldn’t dare get a real tattoo, heaven forbid the ink poisoned your 100% pure Flid blood. And besides, needles scare you anyway, just like strong women and textbooks.
You Planned Your College Class’ Spring Break Trip And Fed Everyone Xanax
Villas on villas, bro! What on earth would we do if there wasn’t a Flid to encourage us to attend his Student City spring break so he could serve his own self-interest and score a free trip?! You wore tank tops the whole weekend, even to the local clubs, and hit on freshman girls after impressing them with your expansive pill collection.
Your Girlfriend Owns Fur Boots, Aviator Sunglasses, Acrylic Nails And At Least One Pair Of Your Mesh Shorts
You’ve known her for at least three years and she’s been a stage 5 clinger since the first time you both locked eyes at Peter Luger’s in Great Neck. You’ve probably cheated on her at least once, but the two of you pretend like it never happened. You would rather be in a miserable relationship anyway, since that’s the only kind you know.
You Say Things Like “Bro,” “Rage,” “Epic” And “Mad Legit”
We get it. You’re from Long Island. The minute you open your mouth and try to complete a sentence, we can tell by your thick accent and pursed lips that you’re a Flid. Adding in those atrocious catchphrases really just gives you away, bro.
You Participated In A High School Scavenger Hunt Or Road Rally
Remember when you were a freshman in high school and you one time kissed another dude for senior scavenger hunt because the older girls promised they’d flash you, but then they took a picture and just drove away?! (True story). The residual pain is still present.
Whenever You Go Out, People Refer To You As ‘Bridge and Tunnel’ Or Confuse You With The Jersey Shore Kids
All true. Don’t even try to fight it because it’s “mad legit.”
The Roosevelt Field Mall Is Your Idea Of A Great Date
The Americana is reserved for when you hit the 2-year mark. For now, the Roosevelt Field mall is perfect: there are Auntie Anne’s pretzels, Adidas, Guess and Build-A-Bear! What other stores do you need?
You Still Abbreviate Every Text Message Phrase
“U” instead of “you”; “kewl” instead of “cool.” Reading your text messages is like deciphering a second grader’s journal entry. You sound out words instead of spell them.
This Is Your Standard Uniform: Multiple Dog Tags, Chains, True Religion Jeans, Spiky Hair, Iced Tips And White Socks With Jordan Flip Flops
What’s the easiest way to spot a Flid? Check out his dress code. Flids love Ed Hardy, t-shirts with tattoo-looking scriptures or rhinestones or angel wings or all the above and tan skin. You consider white V-necks to be dress shirts. But it doesn’t really even matter what you wear on top because we all know you will be taking your shirt off at some point.
You Were A Camp Counselor
You thought it would be fun to spend another summer at your old camp, only this time you’re stuck babysitting younger versions of yourself. That feeling you get when you can’t stand your campers? Yeah, that’s pretty much how we all feel around you, too.
You Went To A New York-Based School Like Nassau Community College Or Syracuse
If only for the fact that you don’t believe there is life outside of the New York area, you decided to go to school less than an hour away from where you live and challenged yourself academically by retaking high school math and majoring in “Remedial Thinking 101.” All that hair gel really clogged your brain’s pores.
You Brag About Going To The Same 2-3 Bars Every Time You Take The Train Into The City Where At Least One Of Your Friends Is A Promoter
We’re glad you know the difference between Pink Elephant and Kiss N Fly, but do you know the difference between your head and your ass?
You Drive A White Mercedes Or BMW
And you frequent the car wash as often as the gym. It takes a lot of work to get your car and your body looking good. Good thing that’s your only real job.
You Try To Speak (Or Act) Like You’re From Brooklyn Yet You’ve Never Been There
Why are you behaving like a confused gangster? We bet you haven’t even been to Brooklyn (that would require more bridges and tunnels than you care to admit), yet you speak in abbreviations and wear hats with the initials “BK.” Your version of “balling out” isn’t playing a game of pick-up, it’s going to a club in Meatpacking and “popping mad bottles.”