The 20 Things We Actually Learned In College

Julian Sonny

For anyone who has been through the four-year ringer of college, you know that it’s all just a complete blur. The parties, the drugs and, of course, smuts make this scholastic experience one hell of a ride. And while we all surely go there to learn, most of us lose half of our brain more than anything.

Sure there is a sprinkle of classes, but ain’t nobody got time for that. College is all about how you handle all of the bullsh*t, the fake people and of course who you choose to partner yourself with. This is the time for you to make the decisions that will affect the rest your life and mold the person you will become.

Four years may seem like a long while, but trust me, this all goes by in the blink of an eye. The lessons you learn during this time aren’t exactly what you thought you would coming in as a wide-eyed freshman either.

The things you encounter, the people you meet and the places you go will always be questionable, but at the end of the day, it has to be done. These are the 20 things we actually learned in college:

Stress is no reason to over-exercise your vices — Adderall leads to packs of cigarettes and Monster Energy drinks.


Procrastinating is an art  There is nothing more sobering than the last three hours before an assignment or test.


After college, sex becomes exponentially more expensive  It’s going to take more than warm beers and $2 dollar shots to drop some panties.


Unprotected Sex will make you do some crazy things  The times you practiced safe sex on campus is lower than your GPA.


Working with friends almost never works  Group projects are treacherous, and somehow even the Asians aren’t reliable.


This was like high school all over again  Fake friends that you’ll never see again and pushing procrastination to new levels.


Fighting over love is for suckers  You’re far from the worst or the last of your partner’s sexual partners, don’t try to save them if led astray.


You can’t end up like any of these people  God forbid we end up in a Polo button up and Chubbies.


Greek Life is for cronies  You would have had a more gratifying time chewing glass. Fit in with the fit-ins, great…


Drinking problems should never be considered a talent  Blacking out while celebrating life 4 times a week is your one way ticket to an STD.


I don’t remember anything my professors tried to teach me  Try to name 2 textbooks you studied from… Yeah, neither could we.


Higher academics was a fast pass into insurmountable debt  Become a cog in the wheel to make your monthly repayments or embrace debt for the next 5 years as you build the dream.


I’ll learn from others, but never try to be like them  Professors need to be more like mentors and less like employees.


Cheating is bad, mkay? As much as we love rules, we love winning even more. In life, no one remembers second place.


Everyone has ADD and every girl will claim to have OCD.


We text message some crazy sh*t  From d*ck pics, psychotic 7-scroll rants and every other kind of obscene slur.


Everyone is a whore at one point in their lives  As great as it is to displace the blame, it’s ourselves that we have to blame for slutting it up. I would hate the opposite sex version of me.


The younger the better  Ignorance is bliss and the less you know, the easier you’ll be able to sleep at night. There’s nothing better than youthful head in bed.


Ask for help only when it’s life or death  No one really cares. F*ck that kid who raises his hand for an in-depth question 30 seconds before class is over.

Julian Sonny

Editor

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