So it all finally ended. The past four years of non-stop partying, binge-drinking and accessible, easy sex has come to a conclusion, leaving you with one important question: where am I going to get laid now?
Hopefully you listened to my previous post, “The 6 Places You Need To Have Sex In Your Last Week Of College” and at least ended your career with a big bang, but now you are stuck with a whole new set of obstacles, and very limited options.
For those of you who immediately graduated with an apartment in the city waiting for you, congrats: you’re a spoiled piece of sh*t. Isn’t everything just so dandy for you! For the rest of us who had to or are currently having to experience what it’s like moving back home with your parents post-college, finding an easy place to go to pound-town can be troubling.
Here are the 6 places you can have sex when living at home post-college:
Post-college, some of your best rides are going to be in your car. Much like your senior year in high school, your sex-on-the-go-mobile will certainly come in handy. You’ll feel a bit like you’ve traveled back in time, but hey, who doesn’t love a little nostalgia, right?
Maybe you can Instagram a #TBT picture of it!! Being able to park the car in various remote locations around the neighborhood can certainly be useful for you. It also gives you a sense of thrill that maybe the dead-fish you’re currently banging wasn’t. Much like penis size, the bigger the car, the more you have to work with.
If you’re going to do the deed in your own home, the basement is your best option. Most parents aren’t comfortable with their children’s sexual escapades within “their four walls,” which is why underneath them in the basement is the way to go. Basements were practically made for late-night booty calls.
I acknowledge that some kids have “cool parents” who think it’s completely normal to bring back a girl to your childhood bedroom while they’re a few rooms away, but I’m going to assume most of our parents still have some dignity and like to maintain order in their own home (or at the least the above ground potion of it). Only go down under, down under!
Hey, it’s the summertime. If there’s ever an ideal few months to use the the backyard, it’s now. The grass is trim, the air is cool and there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to roll around and get yours. If you have a patio with some lounge chairs or a hottub that can be very ideal, too.
Having graduated from college, sex in public places is kind of beneath you (for the most part), but your backyard is private property and as long as it’s not mid-day while the neighbors are swimming in their pool, you should be good to go. There’s nothing like a good doggy style when you’re out back.
Douchey Friend’s Apartment
This is where that total D-bag comes in handy. He/she lives in the city alone already, so you guilt the person into allowing you and whomever your lay of choice is to spend the night. Make sure the prick gives you a spare key, so you can fully utilize his/her facilities.
Whether it’s their couch, a blowup mattress, or even in their bathroom (guilty!), find a corner of the room and go to work. In all fairness, the guy or girl might not be spoiled, but actually has a high paying job where they need to be living in the city close to work, but still– screw those lucky sh*ts! If they have their own place, they can designate you a sex space (Dr. Seues quote).
Older Sibling’s Apartment
This definitely has its major advantages, especially if you are the same sex as your older sibling. Older bros love to let the young guy have the crib to plant his seeds. Older sisters usually show sisterly-love for their younger siblings. Older bros rarely ever hook it up for a younger sister, though.
They can’t just pimp out their younger sister! But if you do have a cool older sibling who’s willing to give you a spare key and maybe even the whole place when he/she is away for the weekend, that’s literally a weekend in paradise. Take full advantage of those couple of days, hitting up every other contact in your phone book and fully utilizing the amenities provided.
**Also if you happen to have any older friends, say a frat bro or sorority sista, this may be your most ideal option, at least on the weekends. Just make sure you don’t get in the way of them getting theirs!
Your Grandparents House When They’re Away
I know this is kind of f*cked up, but if your grandparents are part of the flock who travel down south for the winter, there’s a completely empty house for your usage. The rules are of course to make sure you turn all the pictures in the room to face the other way and of course NEVER actually use your grandparents bedroom.
But if they have a downstairs couch or comfy futon, it’s fair game. Just make sure you take all the plastic off the furniture before you put the rubber on yourself.