This Guy’s Epic Rant Perfectly Describes Everybody’s Gripe With Chipotle’s Burritos

This Guy’s Epic Rant Perfectly Describes Everybody’s Gripe With Chipotle’s Burritos
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Is there anything more frustrating than a bad burrito?

Sure, it takes some skill (very little) to make a good burrito, but it’s not freakin’ rocket science! There’s a correct way and a completely incorrect way, and this angry writer clearly had it made the wrong way.

In this hilarious rant, a writer by the name of Lucky Shirt breaks down exactly why a recent burrito he had was made completely wrong. He pretty much tears this guy a bigger assh*le than one of his own burritos could ever do.

In an article titled, Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito,” he writes:

“Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.”

Check out the rest of the hilarious rant, and pray you never receive a burrito that upsets you this much.

Top Photo Courtesy of Medium

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Tyler Gildin

Tyler Gildin is an NYC-based Stand Up Comedian and the Creative Director at Elite Daily. He is a Television Radio Film graduate from Syracuse University and performs at clubs and colleges all over the country. He’s been written up and interviewed in publications including Newsday, CBS New York, AOL Patch and SiriusXM Mad Dog Radio. He once forgot to wear his underwear to school in 4th grade, and his mom came and brought them for him in a manila envelope. His teacher opened it in front of the class.

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