This Guy’s Epic Rant Perfectly Describes Everybody’s Gripe With Chipotle’s Burritos

This Guy’s Epic Rant Perfectly Describes Everybody’s Gripe With Chipotle’s Burritos
Humor
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

Is there anything more frustrating than a bad burrito?

Sure, it takes some skill (very little) to make a good burrito, but it’s not freakin’ rocket science! There’s a correct way and a completely incorrect way, and this angry writer clearly had it made the wrong way.

In this hilarious rant, a writer by the name of Lucky Shirt breaks down exactly why a recent burrito he had was made completely wrong. He pretty much tears this guy a bigger assh*le than one of his own burritos could ever do.

In an article titled, Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito,” he writes:

“Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.”

Check out the rest of the hilarious rant, and pray you never receive a burrito that upsets you this much.

Top Photo Courtesy of Medium

Share Tweet
React
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

Tyler Gildin

Tyler Gildin is an NYC-based Stand Up Comedian and the Creative Director at Elite Daily. He is a Television Radio Film graduate from Syracuse University and performs at clubs and colleges all over the country. He’s been written up and interviewed in publications including Newsday, CBS New York, AOL Patch and SiriusXM Mad Dog Radio. He once forgot to wear his underwear to school in 4th grade, and his mom came and brought them for him in a manila envelope. His teacher opened it in front of the class.

More In Humor

LOL Lists Connor Toole

17 Hilarious ‘Slutty’ Costumes To Wear On Halloween, According To Twitter

Historically speaking, “slutty” isn’t the most flattering word in the world, but this year I’ve heard slutty/sexy/racy costumes be described as exploitative, progressive, misogynist and feminist and I don’t really know what to think anymore. Regardless of your opinions concerning this type of attire, there’s no denying that scantily-clad house pets and blue collar workers […]

Humor Connor Toole

Father Gives Daughter Valuable Life Advice As She Brushes Her Teeth (Video)

I don’t have the statistics to back this up, but from what I’ve seen, there’s a direct correlation between the rise of the Internet and the number of parents who shamelessly use their children as props to get attention. In most cases, this involves dressing kids up in ridiculous outfits or exploiting their gullibility for the enjoyment […]

Humor Connor Toole

10 Last-Minute Halloween Costumes You Can Make With A Sharpie (Photos)

Halloween is tonight, and if you haven’t picked out your costume, you’re basically screwed. Based on my experience trying to track down a Frank Serpico costume late last night, you’re going to wait a minimum of 30 minutes to get into any store that sells anything remotely related to costumes, meaning that you’re probably going […]

Humor Adam Pliskin

Weatherman Uses Green Screen To Become A Skeleton For Halloween (Video)

Everyone is getting into the Halloween spirit, even local weathermen. One TV meteorologist, Jude Redfield, lightened the mood of his broadcast by green-screening himself into a skeleton. He proceeded to do his whole weather report as the set of bones. Another anchor even joined in on the fun and fed Redfield some candy, which slipped […]

Also On Elite

World

Cosmo Is Using A Bus Full Of Male Strippers To Get Young People To Vote

Cosmopolitan magazine is on the forefront of the feminist voting revolution. It knows one of the ways to get college-aged girls across the nation to vote is to involve semi-nude male models. Pictures of Beyoncé with a flag don’t hurt, either. The #CosmoVotes campaign is bringing a patriotic party to the North Carolina State University campus, all […]

World

Priceless: Blind Man Sees His Grandson For The Very First Time (Video)

UK-based international nonprofit Sightsavers paid for 69-year-old Winesi March to have invasive cataracts removed from his corneas and sent vlogger Doug Armstrong to film March’s final bandage removal. March had the cataracts for about 12 years, so he’d never been able to see his grandson. He hadn’t seen his wife properly in over a decade, […]

World

Scientists Discover Reptiles That Wait Longer To Have Sex Live Longer

Unfortunately for the reptile kingdom, those that enjoy meat and sex early on pay the price by dying young. Researchers from Britain’s University of Lincoln studied 1,014 species of scaled reptiles, consisting of 672 lizards, 336 snakes, five worm lizards and a New Zealand-native called a tuatara. The focus was the effect diet, rates of reproduction and sexual […]