70 Thoughts You Have Over The Course Of Memorial Day Weekend
This Monday is Memorial Day, a holiday created to remember and honor the sacrifices of those who died serving their country that eventually became an incredibly important date for people who need to know whether or not it's acceptable to wear white in public.
It might not please the crotchety newspaper columnist in Topeka using a typewriter to bemoan America's lack of deference for the holiday, but for most people this weekend is really about the unofficial onset of Shorts Season and the beginning of the debate about what is actually the Song Of The Summer.
Don't let the few drunken "USA!" chants you're inevitably going to hear fool you -- nobody cares about the reason we get the day off, they just care about the three-day weekend. I did a bit of number crunching to figure it out, and get this: That's 50 percent more weekend!
As a result, you have a lot more time for various weekend activities -- as well as a lot more time to regret those decisions and make new ones you'll regret even more. Your Memorial Day weekend might not pan out exactly like this, but I'm guessing you'll have a few of these thoughts.
Saturday
1. "WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! THREE DAY WEEKEND!!!!! LET'S DO THIS!!!!!!"
2. "I should see what everyone else is doing."
3. "How am I the only one of my friends who didn't get an invitation to a beach house?"
-- "Maybe my friends think I drink too much?"
4. "I guess a rooftop party will work."
5. "I'll take out $200. That should last the whole weekend."
6. "I'll get a fifth and some beer. That should last the whole weekend."
-- "I'll get two fifths and some beer. That should last the whole weekend."
7. "Should I feel more guilty or less guilty about buying the American flag cans?"
8. "Sunscreen is way too expensive. It's not even that hot."
9. "What do you even wear to a Memorial Day party?"
10. "Why do so many of my shirts have sleeves?"
11. "Have my legs always been this skinny and pasty?"
11. "Do I trust my drunk self enough to wear my nice pair of sunglasses?"
12. "It's sooooooooooo nice out."
13. "I should probably try to pace myself."
14. "ARE THOSE RED, WHITE AND BLUE JELLO SHOTS?!?!?!?!"
15. "How are my legs already pink?"
17. "I never thought I'd see so many people in button downs dancing to 'Trap Queen' at the same time."
18. "Who the hell put 'Fancy' on this playlist? It's like the 'Frozen' of pop -- just let it die already."
19. "MORE JELLO SHOTS!!!!!! THEY'RE MADE OF BONES!!!!!"
20. "How is it only 4 pm?"
21. "I should start a 'USA' chant."
22. "USA! USA! USA!"
23."I guess these people aren't patriots."
24. "I should watch 'The Patriot.'"
25. "I guess I can grab a quick drink with these guys before heading home."
26. "How is it already 4 am?"
27. "I should probably drink some water."
Sunday
28. "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!"
29. "Waaaaaaaaaaater."
30. "Where's my phone? WHERE'S MY PHONE????? WHERE THE F*CK IS MY PHONE?!?!?!"
31. "Oh right, I started wearing shorts again."
32. "My entire body is a sunburn."
33. "I'm never drinking again."
34. "Maybe a shower will help."
35. "Owowowowowowowowowowowowow."
36. "That might have made it worse."
37. "I didn't think my skin would have started to peel this quickly."
38. "Will that help or hurt this tank top tan line."
39. "Tank Top Tan Line would be a great name for a ska band."
40. "How is it already 4 pm?"
41. "I don't want to do anything today, but I feel like I should."
42. "Oh look, another rooftop party. No way I'm getting into that again."
42. "Maybe a beer will help me feel better. Just one."
43. "How am I already out of alcohol?"
44. "How am I already out of money?"
45. "I'll just stop by for a couple of drinks."
46. "I don't know what's in this punch but it is delicious."
47. "I LOVE ROOFTOPS BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE BATMAN!!!"
48. "NANANANA NANANANA BATMAN!"
Monday
49. "...WHAT DAY IS IT???????"
50. "...WHAT TIME IS IT???????"
51. "SH*T!!!!! I'M LATE FOR WORK!!!!!"
52. "Oh. Right."
53. "How is it already Monday?"
54. "What are days anyway?"
55. "How does anyone have the energy to actually do things on Memorial Day?"
56. "I wonder what the weather's like."
57. "58 and cloudy. Are there any Memorial Day movies on Netflix?"
58. "Wait, do Memorial Day movies even exist?"
59. "I should probably eat something eventually."
60. "Can you get hot dogs delivered?"
61. "If I feel this good after one beer, I bet I'll feel better after three beers."
62. "I think I have a hot dog in the fridge. I can probably just cook that."
63. "Cooking things takes too long."
64. "Is it sacrilegious to watch 'Independence Day' this weekend?"
65. "How long has that hot dog been in the fridge?"
66. "Ohmygodimgoingtopuke."
67. "I think I'll lie down for a second."
Tuesday
68. "Kill. Me."
69. "I might have to make this a four day weekend."
70. "...How is it 4 pm already?"
