One of the pitfalls (or benefits) of getting older is that not only do you have no idea who the latest teen pop band sensation is (like, who the hell is One Dimension?), but you also start getting invited to a sh*tload of weddings.
Like Katy Perry songs, some of them are quite pleasant and some are tolerable, but most are just God awful and we can’t wait for them to be over.
In case you are planning a wedding, here is a list of things that will draw the ire of everyone who has the misfortune of bearing witness to your unholy union:
1. You think everyone cares about your wedding as much as you do
Except for possibly your mom, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. Sure, we’re all happy for you and maybe even a little excited about the prospect of you paying for an entire night of food and drinks, but otherwise, no one really gives a sh*t.
We especially don’t care about what you’ve spent months obsessing over: place settings, table decorations, lighting, balloons and the f*cking font on your invitations.
2. You exclude a close friend from your bridal party because she is fat
There is a special place in hell for people who do this. It shows that you are shallow, narcissistic and image-obsessed, such that you are willing to compromise a lifelong friendship for the sake of some pretty photographs with your future ex-husband.
If you have even thought about doing this, you are a total f*cking bitch.
3. You announce on Facebook that you are marrying your “soul mate” or “best friend”
We’ve heard this clichéd crap so many times that it makes us literally want to vomit like we are white-girl wasted. Like, we get it. Sure, everyone else is also getting married, but you are marrying your soulmate.
The fact is that you probably are not. Most likely, you have no best friends because you have blown them all off in the pursuit of some slightly overweight, balding man who is obsessed with fantasy football.
All of us are really jealous.
4. You post wedding countdowns on social media
We are sorry that between your engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, wedding ceremony and reception, you aren’t getting enough attention and feel the need to constantly remind us about the wedding to which we aren’t invited! So sorry, in fact!
5. You start using a wedding hashtag
There is nothing more infuriating than seeing a wedding hashtag such as #chrisandsarahswedding2014.
The fact is that once everyone is done passing judgment on the wedding dress and declaring that the bridesmaids look ugly (this is not their fault, but your fault for making them wear such terrible outfits), no one cares about your wedding photos.
6. You have a cash bar
This is the worst, especially when you have a really expensive venue. It shows that you only really care about how your weddings looks, and not about everyone actually having fun.
You are a cheap, bad person.
7. You use your wedding photos as your profile pictures for years after your wedding
We understand that you want to continue to use it as a profile picture because it’s your life’s defining achievement, and a constant reminder to everyone in your network about your relationship status, but after you stop looking like the blushing bride shown in the photos, it’s time to update.
You should only be allowed to use your wedding photos as your profile picture from the day after your wedding, until the end of your honeymoon. Then, you have to take them down. …And burn them.
8. You make your friends buy ridiculously expensive sh*t that they can never wear again
This is less of an issue for guys because we can use our suits again for funerals and court appearances. However, if you want your bridesmaids to wear $600 dresses with $200 “matching” shoes (which you can’t see) that they will never wear again because you have hideous taste, you buy it.
9. You have a gift registry
Seriously?! You supply a list of all the sh*t you want so everyone can pay to decorate your new love nest for you? Give us a break. You’re getting the toaster.
10. You have a destination wedding and then get upset when no one turns up
Okay, we understand why you want to get married barefoot on an island in a bikini because it’s really cool and casual and laidback and stuff. However, we do not understand why you’d expect us to pay out our salaries to attend your destination wedding in the Maldives.
Basically, we have to go on a holiday with you, where you pick the time and destination, and are the center of attention the whole time. If we do bother gracing you with our presence, do not, under any circumstances, expect us to give any other presents.
11. Your “creative” wedding invite
Just tell me when and where I need to be in an email. Who even uses the goddamned mail anymore, anyway?!
Photo Courtesy: New Line Cinema/Wedding Crashers