Get A Life: Why Couples Who Run Together, Suck Together
You see them everywhere. You pass them every weekend on your Facebook homepage or when you try to walk through Washington Square Park. They show up like clockwork, until their presence becomes a ritual reminder of how single you really are. They stare at you with their fake smiles and delusional dreams. They are that couple who goes shopping for clothes together on the weekends and the man goes into the dressing room with the girl. They are that couple who only does it missionary unless the girl has had two glasses of red… They are the couple who runs together.
Everywhere I look, all I see are blonde chicks with tiny waists in Lululemon pants holding the hands of men in lacrosse pinnies or Under Armour sweat shirts. Or it’s the couple with the matching black track suits and similar bone structure. They always look so happy — so miserably, annoyingly, goddamn happy. They finish a half-marathon together and then pose for a selfie, all happy and smiling, as if they just went out for a dinner at Outback and split a Bloomin’ Onion.
Call me old fashioned, but I think that running is a pretty personal experience. Exercising in general is pretty weird. I mean, you’re exerting massive amounts of effort to try and make yourself look better. So why would you want to do that with someone? What type of relationship are you in when you turn to your significant other and say: “Hey, wanna go burn some fat together?” Is there absolutely nothing left for you to hold on to before you get to that point?
I think that couples who run together are really compensating for some other type of exercising they aren’t doing together. I think that couples who run together are part of a certain breed. It’s that breed of couple who takes a baking class together, or gets a dog three weeks in and names it “Champ” or “Dusty.” It’s the couple who orders his and hers chai lattees at Starbucks then goes to a sushi restaurant for some California rolls.
Maybe I’m bitter, maybe I am scorned and tortured in my own prison of loneliness, but I can say with utmost certainty that couples who run together are just f*cking weird and I will never be a part of it. I look at them as one looks at exotic animals in the zoo, never fully understanding the meaning of their existence. In my struggle to wrap my mind around what kind of couple would ever partake in this lame act, I came up with a few reasons it’s not natural for couples to run together:
You’re Not At The Same Pace
There is no way you and your significant other run at exactly the same pace. One of you is clearly over-exerting yourself and one of you is slowing down to accommodate. How is that a real workout for either of you? Isn’t there already enough bullsh*t and compromise in relationships? Now you have to share this?
You Run To Escape Your Relationship
Running is one of the few acts that should be all about your alone time, away from the relationship. If you can’t be alone when you are running, then where can you? Running should be saved for the times you need to get out of your relationship and break free.
You’re Supposed To Listen To Music
You’re not supposed to be talking. Have you ever tried to hold a conversation while partaking in intense physical exercise? It’s nearly impossible. So if you’re not talking to each other, what’s the point? And don’t say that you just enjoy the sound of their breathing next to yours…
It’s Not Sexy
I know that relationships are about accepting each other’s flaws as beauty, and blah, blah, blah. But can’t you keep some things to yourself? Like how you look like Carrie from “Homeland” when you’re gasping for air and trying not to throw up from your nine minute mile. Are you really so attracted to your man that even his sweaty balls turn you on?
Your Exercise Shouldn’t Be Running
I think it’s pretty clear that one of the advantages of being in a relationship is the free sex all the time — which should serve as a replacement for the gym. We’ve all read the statistics, sex burns calories. So why are you wasting your time trying to get your exercise anywhere else?
Running Is Lame
Aren’t you a cooler couple than that? Shouldn’t you be lighting up a joint and staying in bed all Saturday afternoon? Or at least going on a hike, something not as lame.