Get A Life: Why Couples Who Run Together, Suck Together

Get A Life: Why Couples Who Run Together, Suck Together
Humor
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

You see them everywhere. You pass them every weekend on your Facebook homepage or when you try to walk through Washington Square Park. They show up like clockwork, until their presence becomes a ritual reminder of how single you really are. They stare at you with their fake smiles and delusional dreams. They are that couple who goes shopping for clothes together on the weekends and the man goes into the dressing room with the girl. They are that couple who only does it missionary unless the girl has had two glasses of red… They are the couple who runs together.

Everywhere I look, all I see are blonde chicks with tiny waists in Lululemon pants holding the hands of men in lacrosse pinnies or Under Armour sweat shirts. Or it’s the couple with the matching black track suits and similar bone structure. They always look so happy — so miserably, annoyingly, goddamn happy. They finish a half-marathon together and then pose for a selfie, all happy and smiling, as if they just went out for a dinner at Outback and split a Bloomin’ Onion.

Call me old fashioned, but I think that running is a pretty personal experience. Exercising in general is pretty weird. I mean, you’re exerting massive amounts of effort to try and make yourself look better. So why would you want to do that with someone? What type of relationship are you in when you turn to your significant other and say: “Hey, wanna go burn some fat together?” Is there absolutely nothing left for you to hold on to before you get to that point?

I think that couples who run together are really compensating for some other type of exercising they aren’t doing together. I think that couples who run together are part of a certain breed. It’s that breed of couple who takes a baking class together, or gets a dog three weeks in and names it “Champ” or “Dusty.” It’s the couple who orders his and hers chai lattees at Starbucks then goes to a sushi restaurant for some California rolls.

Maybe I’m bitter, maybe I am scorned and tortured in my own prison of loneliness, but I can say with utmost certainty that couples who run together are just f*cking weird and I will never be a part of it. I look at them as one looks at exotic animals in the zoo, never fully understanding the meaning of their existence. In my struggle to wrap my mind around what kind of couple would ever partake in this lame act, I came up with a few reasons it’s not natural for couples to run together:

You’re Not At The Same Pace

tumblr_m7yjtagLxN1qgggypo1_500

There is no way you and your significant other run at exactly the same pace. One of you is clearly over-exerting yourself and one of you is slowing down to accommodate. How is that a real workout for either of you? Isn’t there already enough bullsh*t and compromise in relationships? Now you have to share this?


You Run To Escape Your Relationship

tumblr_maigs7Ag7I1qh89jro1_500

Running is one of the few acts that should be all about your alone time, away from the relationship. If you can’t be alone when you are running, then where can you? Running should be saved for the times you need to get out of your relationship and break free.


You’re Supposed To Listen To Music

tumblr_mdjdslZZej1rtp26m

You’re not supposed to be talking. Have you ever tried to hold a conversation while partaking in intense physical exercise? It’s nearly impossible. So if you’re not talking to each other, what’s the point? And don’t say that you just enjoy the sound of their breathing next to yours…


It’s Not Sexy

tumblr_m1ypeiWnKU1ql5yr7o1_r1_400

I know that relationships are about accepting each other’s flaws as beauty, and blah, blah, blah. But can’t you keep some things to yourself? Like how you look like Carrie from “Homeland” when you’re gasping for air and trying not to throw up from your nine minute mile. Are you really so attracted to your man that even his sweaty balls turn you on?


Your Exercise Shouldn’t Be Running

tumblr_mjifhth2CM1qcm0m3o1_400

I think it’s pretty clear that one of the advantages of being in a relationship is the free sex all the time — which should serve as a replacement for the gym. We’ve all read the statistics, sex burns calories. So why are you wasting your time trying to get your exercise anywhere else?


Running Is Lame

tumblr_luh6aeBUnk1r53e6ko1_500

Aren’t you a cooler couple than that? Shouldn’t you be lighting up a joint and staying in bed all Saturday afternoon? Or at least going on a hike, something not as lame.

Share Tweet
React
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

Lauren Martin

Lauren “LMoney” Martin grew up with one goal: to be the first woman engineer. Upon finding out there already were women engineers, and unable to pass Calc 1, she chose to study the beautiful and honorable art of advertising. After advertising proved uninspiring, she attempted a career in acting which was over before she could get on stage. And when she failed at everything else she decided to become a writer.

More In Humor

Humor Gillian Fuller

Haunted Poster Prank Spooks Curious People Passing By On The Street (Video)

Next year, Swedish theme park Gröna Lund will debut what it calls its “scariest attraction ever,” a haunted house dubbed the “House Of Nightmares.” Though it’s not set to open until April, the theme park wanted to start advertising the new attraction — there’s nothing like good old-fashioned hype to build public interest. Instead of going the […]

Also On Elite

Wellness

13 Things People Who Overthink Everything Are Tired Of Thinking About

Overthinking is an epidemic. Like a plague, it takes hold of its victims and eats away at them from the inside out. It clouds their minds, judgment and destroys any semblance of happiness their already overworked minds could muster. It rots away at their brain and keeps them in a perpetual state of paralysis. Stripped down to its most […]

World

Powerful UNICEF Ad Reminds Us There’s No Vaccine For Violence

Smallpox, polio, tetanus — we have vaccines for these. We even have a vaccine for the flu. Vaccines are made to keep us safe from disease and from death. But what about other threats to our safety? How do we keep those under control? A new ad from UNICEF UK seeks to raise awareness for these […]

World

In Case You Were Wondering, Caffeine-Infused Underwear Actually Exists (Video)

If you’re looking to fight cellulite, caffeine-boosted undies are not the solution. The Federal Trade Commission has found underwear brands Wacoal America and Norm Thompson guilty of deceptive advertising. Ads put out by both companies led customers to believe that they would lose significant amounts of weight as a result of fabric infused with caffeine. […]

World

Kim Jong-un Fractured His Ankles By Wearing Shoes With Heels

The culprit responsible for Kim Jong-un’s ankle problems has been revealed to be the pair of Cuban heels he was wearing prior to the injuries. It was reported earlier this week that the dictator had fractured both of his ankles, one after the other. Jong-un fractured his right ankle while visiting factories and military sites and […]

Sports

A Compilation Of MMA Spinning Knockouts Will Have You Clutching Your Face

If you woke up today with your health and body intact, you should feel blessed. These MMA fighters probably didn’t. The sport of Mixed Martial Arts has become the favorite among fans who want more fireworks coming from the athletes they watch. And there is one particular aspect of the action in the octagon that […]