Disclaimer: This post is satirical and meant to be humorous.
In navigating through the various cat memes and pictures of ugly kids on Facebook, we have noticed an alarming recent trend: guys uploading selfies.
What we have to say about this is, simply… Stop. Now. It is completely unacceptable for a man to upload selfies to his social media account, not to mention, take photos of himself to begin with.
1. Selfies are strictly for women.
Women take selfies in order to show things off to the world that men really don’t care about.
Women like to boast about their new hair color, how well they applied their makeup, how good their lips look in their new shade of lipstick, their fresh pedicures (even though their toes are still beyond help), hot outfits and cute puppies.
Women also take selfies in order to display things men really do care about, such as cleavage from multiple angles and what they look like in their “pajamas” while they are just, you know, lying around all “sleepy” and “bored.”
In short, unless you have boobs, don’t take selfies.
2. Selfies aren’t manly.
It is a rule of law that men are allowed to have a maximum of three photos of themselves: one from their first day of school, the second on their driver’s license and the third – if they are unfortunate enough to be married – from their wedding day.
Single men are, of course, allowed to have an additional photos of themselves — in a Batman outfit.
3. Selfies are for attention seekers.
Selfies send the message to the world that you desperately crave attention and validation. They also reveal that deep down, you’re a little boy lost in the big world.
If you want attention, call your mom.
4. Selfies are for shallow people.
If the only thing you have to offer the world is a shirtless selfie, then there really isn’t much to your personality after all. If you’ve got nothing useful to contribute to society, just go sit in your room and watch porn.
… Or write an article about selfies.
5. Selfies don’t help you pull girls.
Remember, Hugh Hefner earned millions of dollars and an entire mansion of chicks by taking pictures of them, rather than post-gym selfies of himself.
6. Selfies suggest you have a really small penis.
Research* suggests that men who upload selfies have below average penis sizes.
*We just made this up; there is no actual research. However, given that this is the standard insult for any annoying behavior exhibited by men, we figured it might as well apply here, too.
7. Chuck Norris doesn’t take selfies.
Which is good because there are no cameras on earth capable of adequately capturing the great man and we need the Hubble Space Telescope where it is. It’s doing important stuff, like spying on Mars.
8. Justin Bieber takes selfies.
Bieber also has a sleeve of tattoos, so you might want to re-think just how badass your new “ink” really is.
There are loopholes, however:
As with all laws there are, of course, loopholes.
Here are the limited circumstances in which taking a selfie is acceptable:
1. You have been kidnapped.
You desperately need to upload a selfie so Liam Neeson can come save you.
2. You are Snapchatting.
Hopefully not below the equator, so to speak.
The next time you think about posting a selfie, ask yourself the following: Am I an unmanly, attention-seeking, shallow, small-penised, sissy girl?
Or, to put it more simply, ask yourself, am I Justin Bieber?
Second Disclaimer: still satire.
Photo via Instagram