8 Reasons Why It’s Never Okay For A Man To Take A Selfie

8 Reasons Why It’s Never Okay For A Man To Take A Selfie
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

Disclaimer: This post is satirical and meant to be humorous. 

In navigating through the various cat memes and pictures of ugly kids on Facebook, we have noticed an alarming recent trend: guys uploading selfies.

What we have to say about this is, simply… Stop. Now. It is completely unacceptable for a man to upload selfies to his social media account, not to mention, take photos of himself to begin with.

Here’s why:

1. Selfies are strictly for women.

Women take selfies in order to show things off to the world that men really don’t care about.

Women like to boast about their new hair color, how well they applied their makeup, how good their lips look in their new shade of lipstick, their fresh pedicures (even though their toes are still beyond help), hot outfits and cute puppies.

Women also take selfies in order to display things men really do care about, such as cleavage from multiple angles and what they look like in their “pajamas” while they are just, you know, lying around all “sleepy” and “bored.”

In short, unless you have boobs, don’t take selfies.

2. Selfies aren’t manly.

It is a rule of law that men are allowed to have a maximum of three photos of themselves: one from their first day of school, the second on their driver’s license and the third – if they are unfortunate enough to be married – from their wedding day.

Single men are, of course, allowed to have an additional photos of themselves — in a Batman outfit.

3. Selfies are for attention seekers.

Selfies send the message to the world that you desperately crave attention and validation. They also reveal that deep down, you’re a little boy lost in the big world.

If you want attention, call your mom.

4. Selfies are for shallow people.

If the only thing you have to offer the world is a shirtless selfie, then there really isn’t much to your personality after all. If you’ve got nothing useful to contribute to society, just go sit in your room and watch porn.

… Or write an article about selfies.

5. Selfies don’t help you pull girls.

Remember, Hugh Hefner earned millions of dollars and an entire mansion of chicks by taking pictures of them, rather than post-gym selfies of himself.

6. Selfies suggest you have a really small penis.

Research* suggests that men who upload selfies have below average penis sizes.

*We just made this up; there is no actual research. However, given that this is the standard insult for any annoying behavior exhibited by men, we figured it might as well apply here, too.

7. Chuck Norris doesn’t take selfies.

Which is good because there are no cameras on earth capable of adequately capturing the great man and we need the Hubble Space Telescope where it is. It’s doing important stuff, like spying on Mars.

8. Justin Bieber takes selfies.

Bieber also has a sleeve of tattoos, so you might want to re-think just how badass your new “ink” really is.

There are loopholes, however:

As with all laws there are, of course, loopholes.

Here are the limited circumstances in which taking a selfie is acceptable:

1. You have been kidnapped.

You desperately need to upload a selfie so Liam Neeson can come save you.

2. You are Snapchatting.

Hopefully not below the equator, so to speak.

The next time you think about posting a selfie, ask yourself the following: Am I an unmanly, attention-seeking, shallow, small-penised, sissy girl?

Or, to put it more simply, ask yourself, am I Justin Bieber?

 Second Disclaimer: still satire. 

Photo via Instagram

Share Tweet
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

The Aussie Assholes

Elliot, Misha and Matt are the authors of "He's An Asshole Anyway: How to deal with being dumped according to the assholes themselves" a funny and insightful guide to how women can deal with a break up. Elliot & Misha are self confessed assholes and draw upon their own dating experiences as well as those of their friends and family to provide their unique perspective on the world of dating, relationships and break ups. Matt draws the pictures and takes no responsibility for anything Elliot and Misha write.

More In Life

Life Jessica Semaan

I Am The Girl Who Married Myself And I Have A Pretty Good Reason Why

“Jessica, you may be addicted to love,” said my therapist on a gloomy San Francisco afternoon, interrupting my sobbing over another heartbreak. “Wait, you mean with that Florence and The Machine song?” I laughed nervously, staring at the knockoff Persian carpet, looking to escape in its dense garden. My therapist gently assured me: You are seeking the […]

Life Ashley Fern

14 Snapchats That Perfectly Describe How Terrible Mondays Are

Mondays are universally the most detested day of the entire week. If you really think about it though, Tuesdays are much, much worse. But it seems Mondays are the days everyone chooses to complain about — and with good reason. The weekend is over and another cycle of office life has begun yet again. You […]

Life Paul Hudson

12 Things A Man Can Do To Help Empower His Career-Oriented Woman

Women are not equals. Or at least, the world doesn’t treat them as such. Setting aside the horrible practices in many countries across the world of suppressing women and forcing them to remain submissive slaves to their male counterparts, things in more “progressive” countries are only incrementally better. Even in a country like the United States, […]

Life Laura Argintar

Your Halloween On Instagram Vs In Real Life: The Difference Is Spooky

Halloween is an extremely fun holiday, but it’s not without room for error. Between smudgy makeup, tricky costumes and haunted houses, the Halloween night we glorify on social media rarely resembles what actually happens on All Hallows’ Eve. Our pictures are usually uploaded in the beginning of the night because what happens later on can’t […]

Also On Elite


To The People Who Still Feel The Need To Be In A Facebook Relationship: Stop

Dear desperate attention seeker: I just have one question for you: WHY?! Why do you think you need to alert the world with one little status that you are in a relationship with another hyperlinked person? Is there nothing sacred anymore? Do you really need to validate your relationship with this little insignificant setting? How […]


Man With 17-Hour Erection Gets 24 Shots To Make It Go Down

A 23-year-old British man had to have 24 injections into his penis to get rid of an erection that lasted 17 hours. The erection Jason Garnett woke up with last Friday felt like any other, only it wouldn’t go down. The hotel employee took an ice bath and went for a jog, but eight hours […]


The Bengals Will Make A $1M Donation In Honor Of Devon Still’s Sky-High Jersey Sales

The overall response to the heartwarming story of Devon Still and his 4-year-old, cancer-stricken daughter, Leah, keeps getting better. In a statement on the team’s website, the Cincinnati Bengals announced that since the franchise made a pledge to donate proceeds from sales of the $100 replica jerseys to causes against cancer, Still’s jersey sales have nearly […]


Someone Actually Attempted To Make The ‘Pizza Cake’ At Home (Photos)

Ever come across an interesting food concoction on the Internet and then try to make it at home? Most of the time, it goes horribly wrong. But, when one Imgur user, 10fttall, attempted to replicate the pizza cake everyone’s been talking about, it actually went surprisingly well. I attempted the ‘Pizza Cake’ I saw the other […]


Artist Transforms Catcalls Into Interesting Embroidered Cross-Stitches

Elana Adler knows what it’s like to be catcalled. And the Brooklyn-based artist embroiders the comments she gets on the street. Adler’s playing off the idea of a Hope Chest, a sort of dowry full of hand-stitched linens a bride once presented to her husband in order to show off her talents. In the same […]