8 Reasons Why It’s Never Okay For A Man To Take A Selfie

8 Reasons Why It’s Never Okay For A Man To Take A Selfie
Life
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

Disclaimer: This post is satirical and meant to be humorous. 

In navigating through the various cat memes and pictures of ugly kids on Facebook, we have noticed an alarming recent trend: guys uploading selfies.

What we have to say about this is, simply… Stop. Now. It is completely unacceptable for a man to upload selfies to his social media account, not to mention, take photos of himself to begin with.

Here’s why:

1. Selfies are strictly for women.

Women take selfies in order to show things off to the world that men really don’t care about.

Women like to boast about their new hair color, how well they applied their makeup, how good their lips look in their new shade of lipstick, their fresh pedicures (even though their toes are still beyond help), hot outfits and cute puppies.

Women also take selfies in order to display things men really do care about, such as cleavage from multiple angles and what they look like in their “pajamas” while they are just, you know, lying around all “sleepy” and “bored.”

In short, unless you have boobs, don’t take selfies.


2. Selfies aren’t manly.

It is a rule of law that men are allowed to have a maximum of three photos of themselves: one from their first day of school, the second on their driver’s license and the third – if they are unfortunate enough to be married – from their wedding day.

Single men are, of course, allowed to have an additional photos of themselves — in a Batman outfit.


3. Selfies are for attention seekers.

Selfies send the message to the world that you desperately crave attention and validation. They also reveal that deep down, you’re a little boy lost in the big world.

If you want attention, call your mom.


4. Selfies are for shallow people.

If the only thing you have to offer the world is a shirtless selfie, then there really isn’t much to your personality after all. If you’ve got nothing useful to contribute to society, just go sit in your room and watch porn.

… Or write an article about selfies.


5. Selfies don’t help you pull girls.

Remember, Hugh Hefner earned millions of dollars and an entire mansion of chicks by taking pictures of them, rather than post-gym selfies of himself.


6. Selfies suggest you have a really small penis.

Research* suggests that men who upload selfies have below average penis sizes.

*We just made this up; there is no actual research. However, given that this is the standard insult for any annoying behavior exhibited by men, we figured it might as well apply here, too.


7. Chuck Norris doesn’t take selfies.

Which is good because there are no cameras on earth capable of adequately capturing the great man and we need the Hubble Space Telescope where it is. It’s doing important stuff, like spying on Mars.


8. Justin Bieber takes selfies.

Bieber also has a sleeve of tattoos, so you might want to re-think just how badass your new “ink” really is.


There are loopholes, however:

As with all laws there are, of course, loopholes.

Here are the limited circumstances in which taking a selfie is acceptable:

1. You have been kidnapped.

You desperately need to upload a selfie so Liam Neeson can come save you.

2. You are Snapchatting.


Hopefully not below the equator, so to speak.

The next time you think about posting a selfie, ask yourself the following: Am I an unmanly, attention-seeking, shallow, small-penised, sissy girl?

Or, to put it more simply, ask yourself, am I Justin Bieber?

 Second Disclaimer: still satire. 

Photo via Instagram

Share Tweet
React
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

The Aussie Assholes

Elliot, Misha and Matt are the authors of "He's An Asshole Anyway: How to deal with being dumped according to the assholes themselves" a funny and insightful guide to how women can deal with a break up. Elliot & Misha are self confessed assholes and draw upon their own dating experiences as well as those of their friends and family to provide their unique perspective on the world of dating, relationships and break ups. Matt draws the pictures and takes no responsibility for anything Elliot and Misha write.

More In Life

Life Ashley Fern

16 Real Struggles Of Being Broke On The Friday You Don’t Get Paid

The emotions you experience on payday versus that dreaded Friday in-between couldn’t be any more different. This tweet basically visualizes these feelings perfectly: Story of my life….. pic.twitter.com/Nq9flv0BuS — Carrie Bradshaw (@Carrie_Bradsh4w) October 28, 2014 One week, you’re floating on cloud nine, while the next you are searching your couch cushions for spare change. So what is your Friday […]

Life Dan Scotti

15 Signs You Need To Hit The Abort Button Right After The Pregame

I love the term “pregame,” it’s very visual. Especially as a basketball fanatic. For whatever reason, I always get the mental image of being in a full warmup suit – on the layup line – whenever I’m at my boy’s apartment ripping “pregame” shots. It’s, you know, that exciting time before all the real action […]

Life Sophie Cook

Why Returning From Travel Is Harder Than Leaving The Comfort Of Home

If you look up the definition of “travel” in the dictionary, it will explain it to be the process of going from one place to another. While traveling, you’re thrown into a mixture of cultures and forced to experience a variety of social differences. You’re exposed to an array of characters; some become friends and others just passersby […]

Also On Elite

Entertainment

Nick Jonas Blessed Us With Another Ridiculously Hot Photo Shoot (Photos)

I’m just going to go right ahead and say it: Nick Jonas grew up real good. The former boy-bander recently wowed women everywhere when he posed in his skivvies for Flaunt magazine and showed off his unbelievably toned body, and it doesn’t seem like he’s shying away from the spotlight anytime soon. Since the Flaunt […]

Humor

Well, Scientists Finally Know What A Masturbating Panda Looks Like

When Conan O’ Brien was forced out of NBC after Jay Leno decided he felt like doing “The Tonight Show” again, he had to give up the rights to a number of characters he’d developed on his show over the years. One of those characters was The Masturbating Bear, an exhibitionist mammal that pleasured himself […]

World

Hero Man Saves Scared Baby Squirrel When His Dog Tries To Bite It (Video)

Though animals by nature are hunters, once they’ve become domesticated, their hunting instincts may dissipate a bit. But that’s not always the case. One dog owner in Alfreton, England, learned this firsthand when his dog went after a baby squirrel while on a walk in a Derbyshire Park. The squirrel was terrified after the dog’s […]

World

Most Patriotic Guy Ever Plays National Anthem By Shooting A Rifle (Video)

For much of the country, guns are a major figure of the American culture. In fact, a gun-toting patriot is perhaps the most invasive stereotypical image of the American citizen. The man in this video does nothing to disprove that stereotype. In a show of fierce patriotism, he plays “The Star Spangled Banner” — with […]