8 Reasons Why It’s Never Okay For A Man To Take A Selfie

8 Reasons Why It’s Never Okay For A Man To Take A Selfie
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

Disclaimer: This post is satirical and meant to be humorous. 

In navigating through the various cat memes and pictures of ugly kids on Facebook, we have noticed an alarming recent trend: guys uploading selfies.

What we have to say about this is, simply… Stop. Now. It is completely unacceptable for a man to upload selfies to his social media account, not to mention, take photos of himself to begin with.

Here’s why:

1. Selfies are strictly for women.

Women take selfies in order to show things off to the world that men really don’t care about.

Women like to boast about their new hair color, how well they applied their makeup, how good their lips look in their new shade of lipstick, their fresh pedicures (even though their toes are still beyond help), hot outfits and cute puppies.

Women also take selfies in order to display things men really do care about, such as cleavage from multiple angles and what they look like in their “pajamas” while they are just, you know, lying around all “sleepy” and “bored.”

In short, unless you have boobs, don’t take selfies.

2. Selfies aren’t manly.

It is a rule of law that men are allowed to have a maximum of three photos of themselves: one from their first day of school, the second on their driver’s license and the third – if they are unfortunate enough to be married – from their wedding day.

Single men are, of course, allowed to have an additional photos of themselves — in a Batman outfit.

3. Selfies are for attention seekers.

Selfies send the message to the world that you desperately crave attention and validation. They also reveal that deep down, you’re a little boy lost in the big world.

If you want attention, call your mom.

4. Selfies are for shallow people.

If the only thing you have to offer the world is a shirtless selfie, then there really isn’t much to your personality after all. If you’ve got nothing useful to contribute to society, just go sit in your room and watch porn.

… Or write an article about selfies.

5. Selfies don’t help you pull girls.

Remember, Hugh Hefner earned millions of dollars and an entire mansion of chicks by taking pictures of them, rather than post-gym selfies of himself.

6. Selfies suggest you have a really small penis.

Research* suggests that men who upload selfies have below average penis sizes.

*We just made this up; there is no actual research. However, given that this is the standard insult for any annoying behavior exhibited by men, we figured it might as well apply here, too.

7. Chuck Norris doesn’t take selfies.

Which is good because there are no cameras on earth capable of adequately capturing the great man and we need the Hubble Space Telescope where it is. It’s doing important stuff, like spying on Mars.

8. Justin Bieber takes selfies.

Bieber also has a sleeve of tattoos, so you might want to re-think just how badass your new “ink” really is.

There are loopholes, however:

As with all laws there are, of course, loopholes.

Here are the limited circumstances in which taking a selfie is acceptable:

1. You have been kidnapped.

You desperately need to upload a selfie so Liam Neeson can come save you.

2. You are Snapchatting.

Hopefully not below the equator, so to speak.

The next time you think about posting a selfie, ask yourself the following: Am I an unmanly, attention-seeking, shallow, small-penised, sissy girl?

Or, to put it more simply, ask yourself, am I Justin Bieber?

 Second Disclaimer: still satire. 

Photo via Instagram

Share Tweet
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

The Aussie Assholes

Elliot, Misha and Matt are the authors of "He's An Asshole Anyway: How to deal with being dumped according to the assholes themselves" a funny and insightful guide to how women can deal with a break up. Elliot & Misha are self confessed assholes and draw upon their own dating experiences as well as those of their friends and family to provide their unique perspective on the world of dating, relationships and break ups. Matt draws the pictures and takes no responsibility for anything Elliot and Misha write.

More In Life

Life Cara Kovacs

How I Made The Decision To Drop Out Of School And Chase My Dreams

As Millennials have suffered to find work in the shadows of a recent economic crisis, the idea of doing something you love for a career seemed harder to grasp for many once-optimistic 20-somethings. The pattern of middle-class life (go to high school, go to college, get a job, get married, retire) is reassuring, comfortable and […]

Also On Elite


27 Honest Realities About Life You Must Accept Before Turning 27

Your early-to-mid 20s have been a time of both tremendous personal growth and stagnant career improvement. You are cruising along (or stumbling) into your late 20s and are now closer to 30 than you are to 20, which is almost too unbelievable to admit. Despite the weirdness, there is more than enough cause to celebrate: […]


How My Picky And Spoiled Upbringing Better Prepared Me For The Real World

There is a negative persona that comes with the word “spoiled.” It refers to the Veruca Salts of the world, who get what they want, when they want it. We can pinpoint these girls in movies and we grow to hate them for their lack of hard work and always being handed everything they could ask for, […]


The Ugly Truth Behind Why None Of The Disney Princesses Had Mothers

Snow White, Cinderella, Pocahontas, Ariel, Jasmine, Anna, Elisa, Belle… the list goes on and on. All of Disney’s leading ladies are beautiful, bold and have the voices of angels, yet there’s something else they all share. It’s something you wouldn’t wish upon yourself nor dream up in your happily ever-after scenarios. It’s something that’s been […]


Kerry Washington Speaks Up About A Side Of Domestic Abuse You May Not Even Know Exists

In the aftermath of the Ray Rice domestic abuse scandal and the social media campaign #WhyIStayed, actress Kerry Washington is standing up against financial abuse, a type of abuse not often discussed. In partnership with the Allstate Foundation, Washington is working on a campaign to stop financial abuse. Abusers withhold money, destroy credit and damage […]


Adorable Little Girl Thinks Her Mom Ate A Baby To Get Pregnant (Video)

If you were a child of the 90s, you probably watched “America’s Funniest Home Videos” regularly. (On a side note, the show just ended earlier this year after 25 seasons — who knew?) Anyway, the best clips on the show were always the ones with kids in them. Kids can be just plain hilarious and […]