If Children Hate You, It's Probably Because You're Ugly

My 5-year-old little sister loves me. So do all of her friends. And it's not because I bring them toys and candy and don't rat them out to their mothers when they do dumb shit. It's because I'm drop-dead gorgeous. Duh.

Science is in my favor. According to a study published in Frontiers In Psychology, (which sounds like something I'd read if I was trekking the Oregon Trail), children link trust to how attractive they perceive someone to be.

In short, that means pretty people (aka me) are more trustworthy and, therefore, more likable.

On the flip side, you now have an explanation as to why children cry every time they're around you: It's because they think you're ugly. This explains why my sister despised my ex-boyfriend, I guess.

The study, performed by researchers in China, had two groups of participants: children and adults. The groups were then presented with 200 neutral male faces looking directly at the camera and asked to rate them on attractiveness and trustworthiness. What researchers found was that kids ranked the "hottest" faces as the most trustworthy.

It's not just the kids who are assholes, however. In the exact same study, adults did the same thing and rated the more conventionally attractive men as higher on the trust scale than those who were hit with an ugly stick.

There are tons of studies supporting that stereotypically attractive people are perceived as smarter, more successful and more outgoing. The link between trustworthiness and attractiveness wasn't previously explored before, especially in babies.

Look, I don't even like children. I think they smell, look weird and are like miniature drunk people. They're not exactly the best judges of character. However, any proof I can get as to how Khaleesi-like I am, I'll take. If your awkward-looking mini me thinks I'm a fox, I'm not going to argue with the kid.

But if your baby thinks I'm a troll, be sure to get that tot's eyes checked out.