10 Problems Only Dudes Who Have Female Best Friends Will Understand
From one phase of life to the next, humans will constantly be making new friends – regardless of whatever Drake has to say about the matter.
You'll always have your “home friends,” whom you grew up with, and probably tried whiskey with for the first time – compliments of one of your parents' liquor cabinets.
In college, you'll make your college friends – and perhaps your future best men. At work, you have work friends.
In spite of all the different groups of friends you will acquire, one thing remains the same: Nothing can ever truly replace that one person who truly holds you down – and there's certainly no gender-based criteria that person has to meet.
If you're a guy, it's completely fine to have a female best friend. If you're a woman? It's no different, either. Jerry had Elaine, Matt has Kim, Duchovny had Gillian Anderson.
Even Clarissa – who explained it all – had that one “ride or die” dude who rocked groovy tie-dye gear and climbed up the f*cking side of the house every time he wanted to hang out with her.
That being said, these type of relationships – like all relationships – can get sticky at times.
While you might have love for your opposite sex best friend, there are bound to be some aspects of the relationship you don't love so much.
Don't fret. If you ever feel yourself starting to lose your cool, you can always take a trip to the bathroom. Well, a public bathroom at any rate. With gender specified doors. You'll be safe there.
Here are the 10 problems dudes who have female best friends are bound to encounter… at some point or another.
Yeah, sure, you'd have sex with her.
As a guy, having a female BFF can be a slippery slope. Put it this way – you're definitely going to have to show-n-prove that self control from time to time. And if she's super attractive? Sheesh, forget about it.
That's like the friendship-equivalent of walking around with a slice of pizza all day, and expecting yourself to not rip a little cheese off the top, after not eating for a few weeks. Good luck.
And you'll never be able to convince your girlfriend that you're not having sex with her.
All right, let's say you do, actually, refrain from indulging in that metaphorical slice of pizza – it ultimately won't matter because your girlfriend will never believe you.
She'll think you have Domino's on speed dial, regardless – delivering cheap easy pizza all day long. So it's actually a lose-lose situation.
Society's definition of a “man's man.”
You ever see Don Draper saunter into a dinner party with a platonic female friend (in season 1)? Exactly. Because, societal stereotypes don't allow for a “man's man” to have any female friends, whatsoever.
It's for this same reason why “zumba” classes generally lack many y-chromosomes. Don't blame me, blame society, man.
Your clothes will get loaned out with great frequency (and will rarely be returned).
Women borrowing the garments of men is far from a new concept. Ladies have been taking sweatshirts from guys the morning after sex probably since Harvard was erected in 1636. That's the key though – AFTER SEX.
When you have a girl best friend, things are bound to get loaned out. Having said that, when sex isn't involved, it's sort of like paying a parking ticket when you walked 10 blocks to work.
Advice becomes inevitably overdramatic.
The advice aspect of having a girl best friend is, let's be real, a nightmare. When your boys are having problems, you tell them, “shut the f*ck up dude, you'll get over it, let's play FIFA” – and, suddenly, everything seems to be hunky-dory.
Women, on the other hand, are a tad bit more complex. That's why dudes have typically had enough of Carrie Bradshaw's bullsh*t before the first commercial.
She'll assume she's your +1 for everything.
Plus ones and female best friends sound great in theory. Maybe you're single, and don't want to bring one of your guy friends a la Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn in “Wedding Crashers.”
It's great to have a women around who's down to accompany you and maybe even provide some eye candy.
However, when they start assuming they're automatically invited to all of your work-related social events solely because you don't a formal girlfriend?
Then you find yourself in a situation where you have an informal girlfriend, with no sex involved.
Your parents will always think you're dating, regardless of all evidence otherwise.
Regardless of how many times you tell your parents, “she's just a friend,” they'll never believe you. Which is utterly ridiculous, because, why the f*ck would you be lying about that?
That's why it's probably better to just tell them that you are dating, right from the get-go, solely to avoid the trouble of re-explaining how you aren't each successive time.
If she has a boyfriend, he definitely hates the sh*t out of you.
If your best friend is a woman – and she has a boyfriend – you probably have yourself a problem. At least whenever he's around. Think about it.
There's something about that whole “another guy spending a sh*t load of time with my girlfriend” concept that has the tendency to cause some friction.
Realistically, if the tables were turned, you wouldn't f*ck with yourself either.
You get low-key jealous when she's having sex with other dudes, even though you're not having sex with her.
I don't care what anyone tells you, if your best friend is a woman, you're bound to get A BIT jealous when other men enter her life, even if you're not having sex.
It's what I like to call the “Elaine factor” — and anyone who's seen Seinfeld a few times can attest to this.
Thus, when you find a “girlfriend” – not to be confused with a “girl friend” – or she finds a boyfriend, things will almost always seem a tad awkward at beginning.
You're more in touch with your feminine side, and questionably too in touch.
When you're with the boys, and conversation arises, it alway seems to be the same usual suspects. You're either talking about your next meal, the next sporting event on, or the next girl you're trying to chase.
However, when conversation with your female best friend arises – you'll suddenly find yourself approaching vast new conversational territories.
Having said that, these said territories will likely include last week's episode of “Scandal” or the next LF trunk show – so, perhaps it's best you proceed with caution.
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