The 10 Ways To Lose Your Man Card
It has happened to us all. It’s demoralizing, truly; but is unfortunately a part of our everyday lives. I myself fell victim to this travesty of the male gender the other day. While driving to go play golf with my dad, I subconsciously started signing “Call Me Maybe” when it came on the radio.
He proceeded to pull over, put the car in park, and make me take out my wallet. That’s when I knew what was happening… He was taking away my man card.
For the rest of the day, I couldn’t stop thinking about how petty and foolish I was. The more I thought, the more I realized how often it happens, or should happen at least. This caused me to construct this list of “10 Ways to Lose Your Man Card.” So, without further ado (and in no particular order), here is the list.
10. Crying While Watching a Chick Flick:
Ahh, first on the list. Most men would say that even watching a chick flick is reason for removal of your man card, but I disagree. In past interactions with the female gender, I’ve found that watching a chick flick is a necessity. I’m not going to knock a guy for trying to knock a girl (see what I did there?). In fact, some chick flicks can actually be quite funny and enjoyable. As long as you don’t cry while watching said chick flick, you and your man card are safe.
Exception: The extremely hot girl in the movie dies, meaning you can no longer just ogle and fantasize about her to get you through this horrific event.
9. Acting Like an Old, Married Couple:
Nothing, and I mean nothing, makes me more sad than seeing a man publicly emasculated by his girlfriend, fiancé or wife. Things that cause such tragedies include, but are not limited to the following: carrying her shopping bags and/or purse, emotional public displays of affection, the use of pet names… you get the picture. Against my will, I must take your man card if such actions occur.
Exception: Actually being an old married couple.
8. Crossing Swords
Remember that Entourage episode when Drama and Turtle managed to both swindle the same tour guide and driver at Sundance. It was all fun and games until they crossed their swords on accident. Everyone knows that double penetration automatically makes you questionable. One guy goes north, the other guy goes south. There is not enough room for 2 guys and one direction.
Exception: There is never any exception in this aspect. It’s sus.
7. Blowing Off Guys’ Night for a Date:
Boy’s night is the sanctuary for all men. No girls, no problems. Watching the big game, throwing away your money in poker, or going out to the bar is a hallowed night, and compromising the integrity of such a night should be illegal. So, as far as losing your man card goes, you should be happy the consequences aren’t worse.
Exception: Said girl is an 8 or above on the hot scale.
6. Going back to a girl that cheated on you
Girls are currently in their YOLO phase. Now more than ever women are acting just like men and cheating just as much as we do. Many of us have that one friend that has been cheated on by his girlfriend. Perhaps she decided to bang the center of the basketball team, for instance. Taking a girl back after she brutally cheats on you says you are weak, have no balls and have been completely stripped of your manhood.
5. Not Paying for a Date:
Some of you may be questioning this one, but hear me out. Classy girls are extremely attractive, and equally hard to bag. They’re always complaining about guys today not being chivalrous, so give them what they want. The more you do for them, the more they’ll do for you (see where I’m going with this?)
However, there is a fine line between a chivalrous action and loss of your man card. If you cross the line, you’re respecting them far too much, therefor clouding your true agenda. Stay to the left of the line, and you’ll be just fine.
Exception: She’s not classy, have fun.
4.Choosing a Stall / Urinal Right Next to Someone When There Are Others Available:
This could be the one action that grinds my gears more than any other. The internationally accepted “Guy Code” clearly states, and I quote, “No bro shall choose a stall or (especially) a urinal next to another bro when others are available. Only under extreme circumstances should this occur.” Sorry, boys, but I don’t make the rules. Stand or sit next to me while I’m relieving myself, and I’ll be relieving you of your man card.
Exceptions: If ya gotta go, ya gotta go.
3. Waxing / Man-scaping:
Don’t get me wrong, man-scaping can be a necessity. Trimming up your beard or preventing an Anthony Davis-esque unibrow is 100% fine in my books. Waxing or shaving your arms, legs, or chest, that’s where I must draw the line. If I hear you talking about “nairing” any body part or going to a tanning salon, not only will I take your man card, I’ll slap the little-bit-of-man-that’s-left out of you.
Exceptions: You’re an Olympic swimmer or Steve Carrell in 40 Year Old Virgin (you know that was hilarious).
2. Mirror Pics:
Few things make me laugh harder than someone looking at a photo and saying “Cool mirror pic, bro.” Let’s be real, readers. Any guy taking a mirror pic (especially shirtless) is clearly trying to overcompensate. Taking a picture in the mirror and setting it as your profile picture on Twitter or Facebook doesn’t make you cool–it makes you a tool. End of story.
Exceptions: Haha, yeah right.
We close out the list with an extremely controversial issue: cuddling. The thought of lying down with a girl, holding each other, and nothing else happening seems as fun as… actually, that doesn’t seem like fun at all. Unprovoked cuddling is a growing crime in the United States, one that needs punishment like losing your man card. Try and argue how being in bed with a girl without closing the deal is manly. Exactly.
Exceptions: Only, and I mean only, if it’s a form of foreplay.
Bonus: You choose your girlfriend over your friends
It is very common to see someone be far too in love with his girlfriend and be too weak to handle love properly. Some men become so weak that they actually decide to turn their backs on their friends, becoming focused solely on their girlfriends. Grow a pair of balls, man. It’s bros before hoes, not the other way around.
Adam Woodard | Elite.