I remember a time when my mother used to shove her coffee in my face as some act of torture — an action that would induce gagging and ensure that I would run away from her screaming (maybe even crying).
It was a cruel joke, yet at times, an effective tactic because I hated coffee more than anything in the world. I hated the look of it and the smell of it. I never even dared to taste it.
In college, however, I found myself in a pickle. All of my friends drank coffee, but I was still wincing at the thought of doing so. (Aside from the half sugar, half caramel, whipped-cream-topped variety that only contained a pinch of actual coffee, of course.)
They used it as a way to wake up in the morning, stay awake to study and to bond. I longed for that feeling, for that type of connection to a beverage.
I’m not exactly sure what happened between the first time I decided to have a coffee and now, but something serious must have gone down. If there is one thing in this complicated world about which I’m sure, it’s that I suffer from a severe addiction to coffee — and I’m fine with it.
Here are some signs that you, too, may be a serious coffee addict:
1. You are, undoubtedly, immune to caffeine.
Try to recall a time when coffee actually kept you awake long enough to finish an essay or study for an exam. Perhaps you used to sip some early in the morning in order to get moving. But now, these vignettes are nothing more than mere memories.
I know that I can drink two cups of coffee and fall asleep five minutes later. In fact, I laugh in the faces of people who say they can’t have coffee for a few hours before they go to bed; the notion that the drink can actually keep a person awake is foreign to me.
When you abuse the caffeine power that coffee possesses, it doesn’t give you an “extra boost” anymore; it’s just what you need to survive. So, even though it won’t keep you extra alert during a long, early-morning drive, you wouldn’t dare to start a journey without it.
2. You are constantly thinking about when you will get your next fix.
If you are eternally itching for your next coffee break, you crave it more than anything and you’re irrationally irritable without it, evaluate your life. These are all symptoms of addiction.
3. You need it to do something.
Any given situation would be a whole lot better if you had a coffee in your hand. This desire may even be so strong that you find yourself unable to carry out particular tasks without the beverage.
I don’t know how to survive certain situations without sipping on some coffee. I need it to sit on a train; I need it to wait in a waiting room. I definitely need it to do any work, whatsoever.
4. You spend way too much money on it.
…Like way too much. You need to constrain yourself to a serious coffee budget and you may have even contemplated consulting an accountant.
5. It satisfies your oral fixation.
I’m so lucky that my undying love and constant desire for coffee allows for a simple beverage to satisfy my need to constantly munch. Without it, I’d undoubtedly turn to food or pens.
Thanks, coffee, for preventing me from being a severely overweight gal with pen ink always smudged in and around her mouth.
6. Coffee is your security blanket.
Like most awkward human beings, I often find myself searching for a good resting place for my arms.
It’s something that comes naturally when you’re not thinking about it, but as soon as you do — BAM — it’s like you just acquired two new body parts and you’re just like, “Where the f*ck do I put these things?”
Thankfully, since I often am drinking coffee, the cup occupies one hand. It doesn’t feel as weird to leave one arm dangling, or use it to gesture or talk to people.
Essentially, coffee cups help your body language to be less awkward, or at least, substantially more manageable. When you’re not in possession of a cup, you just really don’t know what to do with those troublesome hands of yours.
7. You have an emotional connection to the beverage.
You are genuinely jubilant when the barista puts that fresh new cup of coffee into your hands. But, the last sip and inevitable disposal conjures up some unreasonably sorrowful feelings.
8. You upload pictures of your coffee like it’s your f*cking child.
Many people love to upload photos of things they love, but sometimes, not everything’s worth sharing… even if your coffee cup constantly shares the frame with your face.
9. You are a familiar face at many coffee shops.
At least 25 different baristas in 15 different coffee shops know your order by heart and you are totally okay with it.
10. If you skip your morning coffee, you risk suffering from a serious migraine.
Perhaps the biggest sign that you’re genuinely an addict is if your body responds in a very physically apparent, painful way. If a coffee addict decides to skip coffee for a day, a migraine usually follows. The only cure is… coffee.
11. You literally dream about coffee.
Your subconscious won’t let you forget about your favorite beverage. It’s part of your sweetest of dreams, when you are in your deepest of sleeps.
12. You binge on whitening products.
One of the downsides of being a chronic coffee drinker is that, unfortunately, your drink of choice turns your pearly whites a bit less… white.
Since no one wants yellow teeth, and you are most definitely not going to give up drinking coffee, you wind up forming a very close bond with all kinds of whitening products. From strips to mouthwash, you rub that bleach-y goodness all over them pearly whites and keep on sipping the brown stuff.
13. You strangely feel like you’re cheating on coffee with those whitening products.
It’s like if you think your partner is ugly and you don’t want to hold hands with him or her in public because you’re embarrassed. Shouldn’t you be flaunting your coffee-stained teeth? Isn’t that what love is all about?
14. You always carry around breath mints.
Coffee is not fresh-breath friendly. Although you totally don’t mind being a coffee-breathing dragon, it’s totally not a way to make friends.
15. So. Many. Coffee. Stains.
Coffee stains are like your own personal touch to every outfit you own. You avoid wearing white at all costs and avoid having nice things (as you’ll inevitably stain them).
16. Your friends and family are worried about you.
Well maybe not worried, exactly, but they have definitely noticed your habit and have expressed some form of negative feelings toward it — multiple times.
17. You just want to scream from the rooftops, “I LOVE YOU, COFFEE!!!”
Let’s face it: It makes you really, really happy and you want everyone to know.
You may say you’re going to give it up or cut back, but that’s not happening anytime soon.