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20 Ways You Pretend To Have Your Sh*t Together But Really Don't

Life isn't great, it's a f*cking sh*t show. It's a constant stream of energy and effort expelled to keep ourselves alive. It's a perpetual flow of problems and tasks that we must overcome.

It's a life-long job without a paycheck that some of us just aren't ready to take.

Because no one tells you that when you hit adulthood, it will be a process just to live day to day. No one tells you that it's not just credit cards and corner offices and nice restaurants.

No one tells you that even when you're at the lowest points in your life, you are still going to have to remember to pay the electric bill.

For 18 years, most of us were cared for. We were provided for and looked after. If we didn’t have our homework, someone brought it for us. If we didn't have carrots, someone added them to our plate.

No meals were skipped and no morning went without a mandatory orange juice.

Then, one day, we found ourselves standing in the middle of the adult pool and realized it's either sink or move back with mom and dad. We have to feed ourselves, bathe ourselves, put ourselves to bed.

We have to make sure we're getting enough sleep, nutrients and creative output. We have to make sure we have a job, pay the bills and remember to call our grandparents.

So what happens when you're not ready to be in the adult pool with your calendars and your planners? What happens when you're not organized and just want to live moment by moment? What happens if you're a little bit of a mess and still want to make it in the arena of adult life.

Well, for many, there's always faking it….

Let's be honest, most 20-somethings fake it. They fake their independence, their courage and their goddamn sanity. They run around pretending they have their sh*t together, when all they really have is a possible STD and a missing debit card.

They put on the work clothes and check their emails, but all they're really doing is trying not to blow their cover.

So don't feel bad that your planners are filled with unopened bills and Sudoku puzzles. Don't feel bad because you forgot to pay rent on time again and you just left another umbrella at the bar.

Because no people really have their sh*t together, everyone is just pretending to.

You walk around in your gym clothes… so people think you went to the gym.

Putting those leggings on is a workout in itself. Besides isn’t working out all about seeking the approval of others? Isn’t this just skipping a step?


You buy a sh*t ton of vegetables… and forget about them until five days later.

You had great intentions when you bought them, you just couldn’t make the follow-through. It’s not your fault they blended into the refrigerator.


You follow politics… when “House of Cards” is on.

Wait, Fox News isn’t a scripted drama? If anything we’re getting the most unbiased news from a little station we like to call Netflix.


You say you need to have an early night… to spoon some Netflix.

At least you’re not getting pregnant from it…


You wear a suit… so people think you're employed.

You are the CEO of your own life and that should be enough. Besides, you look damn good in a suit, and isn’t that half the battle?


You have a business card… but no business.

The only work you want to get done is on THOT. In all seriousness, no title can define you. You are just a name with a blank slate.


You go on dates… because you can't afford your own liquor.

There’s nothing wrong with boning up on your PR skills. If anything, it’s just another thing to add to your life résumé.


You go to work… to sign into Gchat.

Getting into the chair was half the battle. No one said you had to be f*cking Gordon Gekko.


You visit your parents… to do laundry.

Do they even realize what a strong person it takes to wear dirty underwear for three days to save $10? That’s savvy.


You buy health food… because McDonald’s is packed right now.

You are a strong, independent adult about to spend $15 on some organic quinoa. Don’t worry, you’ll get drunk tonight and throw it all up.


You go to the bank… to get a new debit card.

The adolescent you would have had your mom do it. But now when you get drunk, you fix your own problems.


You write the reminder… but don't actually do it.

You remembered to remind yourself. You just didn’t remember the reminder.


You fill your calendar with events… to cancel them the day before.

The most important thing is that you’re still invited places. See, you’re a sociable person!


You take EmergenC… instead of going to the emergency room.

One is insurance. One costs insurance… Seems like a no-brainer. Pass the packets!


You don't smoke cigarettes… only weed.

You can call it self-medicating or a healthy alternative. Either way, you’re getting your greens.


You do yoga… so you don't have to run.

You know you can just sit there when you don’t want to do the move?


You say, “Let's walk, it's nice out!”… because you can't afford a cab.

If you’re choosing between a combo meal at McDonald’s and a 20-block cab ride, let’s take the food and the exercise, and call it a win-win.


You call your grandma… when you know she’s not home.

It still counts if you get the answering machine, right? This way she can preserve your voice for her remaining years.


You cook yourself dinner… from the freezer.

There are multiple steps and cooking utensils involved in heating up a frozen meal. Removing the carton, cutting the plastic, programming the microwave. What do you want from us? A Michelin star?


You make therapy appointments… with your vodka.

With the money you’re saving on real therapy, you can even buy some food to put in your stomach first.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It

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Lauren Martin

Freelance Contributor

Lauren Martin is a Senior Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. After graduating from PSU, she moved to NYC to write fart jokes at Smosh Magazine. Making her way to ED, she now writes riveting commentary on nude pics, condoms and first dates.
Lauren Martin is a Senior Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. After graduating from PSU, she moved to NYC to write fart jokes at Smosh Magazine. Making her way to ED, she now writes riveting commentary on nude pics, condoms and first dates.

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