The 20 Things You Must Do Before The World Ends
As we all know the world is coming to an end next week. The people who have predicted this matter to come about happened to be Mexicans with no Internet access- the Mayans. Nevertheless, they had to be smart seeing as how they were able to build those pyramid castles with no cranes or machinery. How they hell did they manage that? Anyway…
Based off their prediction we have also looked at several other factors that may have indicated that the world is slowly coming to an end and everything seems to check out. Rappers are wearing skirts, Lindsay Lohan is going to jail AGAIN, PSY hates Americans, hot girls are dating losers, Rob Kardashian got cheated on by 20 other guys. It seems like the world is in a state of collapse- or maybe our pop culture is.
The funny part about all of this is that everyone was a lot more worried about the world ending a few years back when those apocalypse movies were coming out, but just like Frankie Munez, Justin Bieber, and the Jonas brothers, eventually no one gives a fuck.
UFO’s have been spotted in NY, San Francisco, and Australia. China is already preparing for doomsday next week. Yesterday, every white girl in America pointed out it was 12/12/12; now we will see how many of them will be able to point out the apocalypse.
As we normally do here at Elite, we like to prepare ourselves, and all of our devoted readers, for all possible situations. Thus we have put together a list of the 20 things we must all do in preparation for the inevitable end of world next week. Consider this: tomorrow may never come.
20. Call your parents to say thank you for everything. They have done enough for you in your life and they should know that you appreciate everything they have done for you. It’s a nice gesture and it can’t hurt when it comes time for to be judged before the gates of Heaven.
19. Become sort of more religious. With the world ending you are most likely going to die and live your afterlife. From what we can imagine Heaven is a really dope spot where women walk around naked and eat apples all the time. It’s just one big party and there, only the elite of the world are allowed. Being sort of religious will better your chances.
18. Call all your ex-girlfriends and tell them to fuck themselves. Sure you wanted to be mature and civil after all your break ups, but it might now be time to call them and tell them about all the times you have cheated on them and lied about it. Not to make you feel better but just to hear their hilarious reactions.
17. Go on a binge. At this point responsibility has no value; no one cares. So why not go on a binge on every different type of drug- from Shrooms to bath salts, to Oxycontin? Feel a little bit like Hollywood did back in the 70s. Enjoy cloud 9 and keep on getting higher.
16. Ask Snoop Dogg if you can smoke with him. The modern day Bob Marley and the man who truly accepts the culture of smoking, lighting more than 80 blunts a day. Make a solid attempt to smoke a joint with him. With today’s social media there has to be a way you can get in touch with the man himself.
15. Spend all your money on hookers. The world is ending genius. So why in the world would you need money? Do you want to be the richest dead guy? The only thing to spend it on that would give you the most possible satisfaction is spending it all on first class hookers.
14. Fuck a porn star. Fuck it; go nuts, make it two. Yes, fuck two porn stars. While still on the topic of hookers, we as men all dream of fucking porn stars- just because we grow up idolizing these women for being perfect. Sure it might run you 10 G’s to bang her, but what the hell else are you going to spend that money on?
13. Eat everything. Just as you go on a sex binge and a drug binge, you also need to go on a food binge. Just don’t ever stop eating all your favorite foods. Your health is not a factor anymore so get as fat as you want.
12. Skydiving. It’s on everyone’s bucket list. But do it right and do it in the Swiss Alps.
11. Make a sex tape with Kate Upton. There is a price for everything and this girl is the hottest girl on planet earth right now. Find a way to get yourself in the same room as her and beg her to have the most hardcore sex with you because the world is ending. She looks like she can ride a nice one.
10. Break into Apple Headquarters. Those hologram iPhones must be in there somewhere and don’t you want to be the one that has the most recent iPhone in Heaven?
9. Join the WWF. Come on, it had to be every one of our dreams when we were kids- to be just like The Rock or Hulk Hogan. Why not join the WWF at least for a week and try to be one of them? How epic would it be to pull off a people elbow?!
8. Revenge fuck someone. There has to be that someone you have just been dying to revenge fuck. Maybe one of your exs or your ex-girlfriend’s best friend, or even a girl that paid you no piece of mind at some point or another. Find her and revenge fuck the shit out of her.
7. Create your own biopic. Even if the world does end there has to be some survivors that keep humanity from going completely extinct. They will most likely be Asian, but that is besides the point. Tell the most epic story of your life to a flip cam and bury it somewhere safe. Someone will find it and it will turn into a movie. You’ll finally be famous!
6. Take the world’s impoverished children and fly them out to a Cheesecake Factory and strip club. Don’t ask about the logistics, it just feels like the right thing to do and it will help your chances in heaven.
5. Have a threesome. Of course this is every man’s dream- it never fails to make the bucket list. Make sure it happens. Have one sit on your face while the other one is riding you while cocaine with Cialis. It will be legendary.
4. Streak across the field in the middle of an NFL game and show the middle finger to all the Cowboys fans. The FCC will never be able to file the paperwork to track you down you in time.
3. Get a jetpack. There may be nothing cooler than the water jetpack that has hit the market recently. You need to find one and use it to help you get from America to Europe because it’s a fucking jetpack and its fucking epic.
2. Do the things that scare you most. Life is about to end so why go down being afraid of the things that have scared you throughout your whole life. Go beyond your boundaries and face every fear you have.
1. Project X a hotel room. Wouldn’t it be epic to feel like you are in high school again and throw the sickest party the world has ever seen in a hotel room suite that would make Project X look like a tea party?
Closing- With the world ending in about 9 days, you have a lot of things to start doing. Don’t ever bother sleeping and don’t even bother worrying about consequences; just do. And if the world doesn’t end, at least you got to live life to the fullest- with a mild case of herpes and only a handful of arrest warrants.
If worse comes to worse and the end of the world doesn’t actually happen, you’ll just turn into Lindsay Lohan. No biggie!
Preston Waters | Elite.