21 Struggles You Face When You Don’t Know What ‘Drunk You’ Did Last Night
We’ve been waiting all week and, now, it’s finally here; it’s finally the weekend. We’ve slaved countless hours away in our office and finally, it’s time to release the tension.
And how do we do this? By drinking absolutely anything — and everything — we can get our hands on.
Sure, this sounds like a pretty terrible idea, but sadly we’ll never learn our lesson and continue to look for the answer to our problems at the bottom of a tequila bottle.
And so, like we did last weekend, and the weekend before that — and like we’ll do again next weekend — we know exactly what’s going to happen to us tonight: We’re going to blackout.
But here’s the part we all dread: coming face-to-face with our terrible decisions. Uh, what happened again last night?
1. You spend a solid hour internally debating if you actually want to know what happened last night.
Ignorance is bliss in this situation, isn’t it? Anything playing in your mind is probably worse than what actually happened and if it isn’t, do you really want to know?
The gift of blacking out is you can’t remember most, if not all, of the stupid sh*t you did.
2. Every time your phone buzzes, you have a mini heart attack.
“Is this someone contacting me to tell me how badly I f*cked up last night? Ugh, I really hope not. Oh, no, it’s just my dad checking in — phew.”
3. You have to do inventory of all your bruises and other injuries.
“How the eff did the back of my arm get cut up like this? I don’t remember getting into any sort of altercation. Hmm, maybe that’s for the best.”
4. You check your social media with one eye open.
Just because you may not remember what went down last night doesn’t mean there isn’t any proof out there in cyberspace.
There’s always a 50/50 chance the photo is beyond incriminating.
5. You spend a solid 20 minutes trying to find your belongings.
“Where is my cell phone? Wallet? Wait a minute — where’s my entire purse? Probably in the gutter with my dignity and self-worth.”
6. The struggle of bargaining with your friends so they won’t post pictures.
You know your friends have a ton of pictures of you dancing on the bar, shotgunning beers and semi-throwing-up-on-yourself. Attractive? Absolutely not.
Will they try and post them? Of course… wouldn’t you if you were them?
7. You know how crucial it is to delete your texts before you read them.
Do you really want to know what kind of terrible misspelled sentences you sent to your current hookup?
The best thing to do is completely erase the conversation and just start a new one, beginning with some sort of funny apology.
8. You probably need to erase your Snapchat story.
You know when a girl shares a 120-second Snapchat story filled with selfies, she was heavily intoxicated during the process.
I mean why else would anyone in her right mind think this is acceptable? Exactly… she wouldn’t aka she was hammered.
Do yourself a favor and instead of reliving the horror, just erase them.
9. You text every person you remember seeing to make sure you didn’t creep anyone out.
You may have royally f*cked up, but hopefully your friends will still be your friends. Unfortunately, since you don’t really know what happened last night, you don’t really know just how weird you were.
10. You regretfully download FourSquare just to figure out where you went.
It’s a sad, sad last resort.
11. You had the worst night’s sleep ever.
Why? Because you left all the lights on in your apartment, slept in your outfit from the night before and somehow ended up passing out on your couch.
12. You feel an unnecessary pang of guilt sitting in the pit of your stomach.
The only thing to cure this is time and someone else you know blacking out and f*cking up.
Let people talk about them because you’ve had enough!
13. The shame of having to call Seamless yet again because you slept through your order.
Another morning, another Seamless debate
— Ashley Fern (@disco_infern0) January 24, 2015
How is it even possible you’re still allowed to place orders? You find yourself debating customer service on a weekly basis.
14. You know the fear of checking your bank account all too well.
You either spent hundreds of dollars or nothing — there is no in between when it comes to blacking out.
15. You have to buy your roommate a new jar of peanut butter and more tortillas.
Drunk You knows no limits or personal boundaries when it comes to the refrigerator. Sure, maybe you haven’t gone food shopping in weeks, but that doesn’t mean it’ll stop you from eating anything you roommate has.
16. You spend the entire day slowly apologizing to everyone you think you saw.
You really aren’t sure who you actually saw last night or who saw you, so you play it safe and just apologize to everyone! At least it looks like you care…
17. You spend all day trying to figure out what that taste in your mouth is.
Is it pizza? Is it throw up? Is it an awkward combination of both?
18. You have to figure out how the f*ck you’re going to get this random person out of your apartment.
Who the hell is this strange man you thought it would be a good idea to bring home last night? Just go for the fake barf, it works every time.
19. You dig deep to find the strength and courage to get a glass of tap water.
The moment you get out of bed, all of the terrible feelings you’ve been trying to suppress hit you full force. Or maybe that’s just your hangover…
20. You must question why your legs feel so sore when you haven’t worked out in a week.
*Flashbacks of you dancing on elevated surfaces cross your mind…*
21. You encounter the sun for the first time all day.
Sure it may be 3 in the afternoon, but that doesn’t make getting out of bed and facing the day any easier.
Hmm, on second thought, maybe you should go lie back down…
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