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4 Ways We All Secretly Judge Everyone Getting Engaged On Facebook

There are three holidays when “surprise” engagements flood our Facebooks and take over our Instagrams: Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Valentines Day. So far, we have survived the Christmas influx.

That being said, seeing our Facebook friends popping the question right as we graduate fills us with mild anxiety.

For those of us who are the most single, or in a friends-with-benefits type of situation deal, we cannot even fathom how this could happen to people we know.

Nothing else makes you feel a pang of loneliness, mild happiness and then major annoyance like seeing the hot guy from college propose with a princess-cut rock that you recently liked on Instagram to his philanthropist girlfriend. Gag.

I liked it because I have to acknowledge I’ve seen this and to appear kind over Facebook but secretly wish the ring was tiny and you both were ugly because I’m happy for you guys!

Blame it on unreasonable expectations of romance gleaned from watching Disney and Nicholas Sparks, or our denied jealousy, but we project our expectations for a dream engagement onto ones we see on Facebook.

Not only does it make us feel better when they don’t match, but they also make us feel a little better for not being proposed to.

These are the thought processes and judgments that those who aren’t engaged experience upon seeing proposal statuses and photos on social media:

The Ring

Arguably, this is the top judgment factor. The nicer the ring, the more we want to punch you in the face.

When you put up a picture, this is what happens: Is the ring expensive as f*ck? Round, pear or emerald cut? Solitaire diamond or three stone? Tacori, Tiffany’s or Harry Winston? How many carats? Is that platinum or white gold?

Sh*t, he customized it, that bitch. Okay, thanks for letting us know it’s a conflict-free diamond. Okay, girl, like your man wasn’t considerate enough to tell you to get a mani? That dry cuticle is really taking away from your diamond.

In reality, we would settle for anything. But, when it comes to Facebook friends, our standards skyrocket, and if it’s not a desk-weight diamond like Kim K’s, or a classic 18-carat sapphire, well…


The Proposal

Was it clichéd? Was there a professional videographer and photographer? Let me guess, he proposed beside a Christmas tree with Michael Bublé playing in the background? Did he bring you to Iceland to see the Northern Lights, too?

Nothing says, “Bye, Felicia” like a “My boyfriend is the best! Top that, bitches!” proposal.

An engagement to truly get us seething is one that takes a lot of planning, so we know the guy didn’t just say f*ck it, let me retire my jersey and go pick out a ring.

We need to know he planned this hardcore. That he cared enough to take you to the ends of the Earth and that you were truly crying because you knew your Facebook friends would be jealous as hell because you are so happy to be tied to this person for the rest of your life.


The Significant Other

After clicking on the picture of your ring and analyzing every aspect of it, the next click goes to your fiancé. Time for some CSI-worthy Facebook creeping.

As friends of the bride (and amazing friends, who want to make sure he’s perfect), we must know the following: Is he hot? What does he do? Is he rich? What is his income? How old is he? Where is he from? Oh, he’s an investment banker from New York… that bitch. Pshaw, will it even work?

If you’re a friend of the groom, it’s much different. In this case, the process goes much like this: OMG, she is not even hot. Never mind, she’s like naturally pretty, but her ombré needs touching up.

HE GOT HER A GIVENCHY BAG FOR HER BIRTHDAY. HATE HER. In 2012, she looks so questionable. How long have they even been dating? Wait… is that a baby bump or is she just chubs? ANCHOR BABY!!!

Bottom line is, we will creep the sh*t out of your fiancé until we can find a flaw or a skeleton to mend our lonely hearts.


The Wedding

The day after the engagement news, we likely will drink ourselves belligerent to numb the fact that we are jealous, lonely or both. We know the planning pics are to come. The ones of her trying on wedding dresses, cake testing and choosing centerpieces.

Each picture will be so cute, we will want to vomit and hope it ends at the bachelor/bachelorette party. We wonder when our invitation will come in the mail. Is she doing Kraft paper invites, or is she being modern yet tacky with evites?

Do either of them have any hot cousins? OMG, I have to start dress shopping after New Year’s Eve.

I wonder if they will have a cocktail hour. She so looks like Bridezilla. OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED; THEY’RE LIKE 20. I still hope I get invited, though.

I WISH IT WERE ME… after I’ve, like, launched a successful career, traveled and made my first million, of course.

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Michelle Burnwell

Contributor

Mich is a NY city girl, relocated to the serenity of Cali. She loves writing relatable articles and spending time with her cat Charles.
Mich is a NY city girl, relocated to the serenity of Cali. She loves writing relatable articles and spending time with her cat Charles.

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