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Stalker Status: 4 Levels Of Guys Being Creepy On Social Media

Now that it's 2015, it's nearly impossible to find someone who isn't on social media. It may seem like we're all in one giant alternative universe while online, but in reality, men and women are in two different worlds.

Sure, girls creep around social media, but they spend most of their time judging other girls.

Guys, on the other hand, range in their level of creepiness. There’s the kid from your high school math class who only posts pictures of his drum set and the guy with whom you have zero mutual friends who still feels the need to message you and like all of your pictures. As you can see, there's a gray area between the two, so we're here to help.

Here are the four levels of creepy guys you'll see on social media.

Level 1: Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

The only time this person is relevant to your life is when you get a notification for his birthday. No posts, no likes, no comments, and he only joined the online trend because his friends pressured him.

On the bright side, this person won't bother you, and you're guaranteed to know him in the real world. It’s unclear whether he's pursuing his career at the gas station or curing cancer, but you can be sure he's not giving away any clues online. He’s sure to have had Tom as his top friend on Myspace.


Level 2: Silent, But Deadly

This guy only surfaces once or twice a year, but usually posts something dumb enough to ensure another 51 weeks of silence. Whether it's arguing with an ex via photo comments or posting something political that he doesn't understand, he’s sure to overstay his welcome on your news feed within hours.

Usually, he doesn't understand the concept of the “like” button, so expect a comment like “cool” or “badass,” instead. This guy stays faithful to the bathroom mirror pictures with the flash on because he either likes the way the yellow light catches his sunglasses, or he still uses a Sidekick.


Level 3: Part-Time Creep

He’s consistent with likes and comments, but still appears to have some sort of a life. However, he isn't afraid to throw around some random follows and friend requests. He keeps the creeping subtle, but still most likely has a hidden agenda to try to get your attention.

You can almost guarantee you'll see his name underneath any attractive girl’s pictures, regardless of where the girl lives, which college she attends or her age. This guy knows how to talk to girls, but can't seem to make a move in person, so he relies on direct messages to finish the job for him.


Level 4: Stay-At-Home Stalker

Have you ever wondered who uses the “poke” button on Facebook after high school? Look no further. You have no clue who this person is or how you became friends with him, but he will make his presence known, starting with your photo from 84 weeks ago.

No picture gets by him without a like, and no day gets by him without a message to you that goes something like, “hey cutie ;).”

This guy is too cheap for eHarmony or Match.com, so he treats Instagram and Twitter like dating services. You could bet your life savings he's shirtless in his profile picture and still lives at his parents’ house.

Be careful with liking any of his statuses, Instagrams or tweets because doing so could make you a target. Although you may have liked whatever it is because you genuinely enjoyed it, he sees it as you wanting to date him.

You've just become a gazelle on the plains of the Internet, and he's a lion who lacks social skills. Expect a direct message from him within the following 24 hours. This may work out great for you if you're his creepy female counterpart. In that case, enjoy explaining to the world how you met on Facebook.

Luckily, all of the major social media sites allow us to not accept new friends or block old ones. Maybe it's time to sacrifice an extra like on your pictures and decline the friend request from Joe, the 28-year-old from Nevada who thinks “you're really pretty :).”

There's probably a good reason why you don't have any mutual friends with him.

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Ty Baumanis

Contributor

Ty Baumanis is a stand up comedian and comedian living in Los Angeles, CA. He is a graduate and former college hockey player at The University of Arizona. Ty was born in Cleveland, OH, and spent time in Michigan, Texas, and Arizona, before relo ...
Ty Baumanis is a stand up comedian and comedian living in Los Angeles, CA. He is a graduate and former college hockey player at The University of Arizona. Ty was born in Cleveland, OH, and spent time in Michigan, Texas, and Arizona, before relo ...

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