4 Reasons Why You Seriously Don’t Want To Be In New York City This Summer
Ahhh, you smell that? No — not the questionable musk coming from your neighbor’s apartment; I’m talking about the sweet smell of summer that’s just around the corner.
We had a brutal winter with approximately 92 snowstorms and an average of 14 feet of snow each week. Do you know how depressing it is to ask your parents for snow boots for Hanukkah? It’s as if a genie granted you one wish and you chose healthcare.
But now it’s time to welcome Mr. Sunshine back into our lives and that SOB better stick around. Summer stands for fun beach days, tanned skin and acceptably drinking at any hour of the day. It’s like a three-month vacation, except you still have to go to work every day. So, I guess it’s not quite like a vacation – but you catch my drift.
Although it is undoubtedly my favorite season, here are some definite negatives about summer in New York City.
1) The Hottest Days Spent In The Coldest Office
One of the best things about summer is being able to wear adorable skirts and sundresses – am I right, ladies?! WRONG.
More times than not, I wake up on a beautiful sunny day, glance over at my new floral sundress and, right as I’m about to take it out of my closet, I remember that my office is an arctic tundra during summer months.
Don’t get me wrong, I love air conditioning; I even brought my own unit to sleep-away camp. (What? Don’t act like that’s the strangest thing a Jewish girl has ever brought to camp.)
I just don’t understand the logic behind setting the office thermostat at 45 degrees. If your goal is to give my nipples a mind of their own, then mission accomplished!
I’m not trying to sound like a little whiny bitch; I just would rather not wear a cable knit sweater and drink hot cocoa in July. Is that so much to ask?!
Tip: Keep a pair of long johns under your desk. You will most likely be tormented by your coworkers for wearing such a ridiculous outfit, but at least you’ll be as snug as a bug in a rug.
2) Sweaty Subways and Crabby Cabs
You think riding the subway is gross? Let’s discuss riding subways in the summer. The scent — comprised of stale food, perspiration and the inside of Satan’s anus — is so potent that I have actually gotten a nose bleed.
You may think your best bet is to take a cab. WRONG. All New Yorkers know that only 1 percent of taxi drivers actually utilize their AC. Chances are, you will hail a cab and, as soon as you open the door, a smog of body odor will engulf you and you’ll wish you were never born.
Tip: Walk to your destination no matter how far it is. Not only will you get some exercise, you also won’t smell like a sweaty gerbil.
3) Summer Shares
Summer share houses are the best! WRONG. Summer share houses are fun for the people who can afford them. I have difficulty paying for the apartment I live in 24/7, let alone paying for a weekend house.
Who do you think you are venturing off on a weekend getaway to the Hamptons or Fire Island? Guess where I go on the weekends? Coney Island, that’s where! You can’t really lounge on the sand and the water will most likely obliterate your skin, but it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than your fancy summer house. Also, there’s this little woman who sells mangos on the boardwalk – they are delectable!
Tip: Buy a lounge chair from Duane Reade and park it right by the West Side Highway. It’s basically the same thing as going to the beach.
4) Mysterious Liquids
As you walk down the street in New York City during the summer, you may feel a light mist or even a droplet on your head. Do not fret, for it is just excess liquid from an air conditioner… or is it?
The saddest part is, I am always thankful for that little trickle of cool liquid. It could literally be the saliva from a homeless man, but I would still thank my lucky stars for the brief cool down.
You may be thinking: “Ew, Ariel… That’s disgusting, what’s wrong with you?” WRONG. You get what you get and you don’t get upset.
Tip: If you feel a cold, mysterious liquid hit you in the face, don’t ask questions. Keep it moving.
Maybe summer in the city isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The weather is nice and everyone around you seems happy, but it smells just as awful as New Jersey. (I can say that, I live in Hoboken.) I now understand why Lana Del Rey wrote the song “Summertime Sadness.” Sing it, girl.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It
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