50 Reasons That Prove Why New York Is Actually The Unhappiest City In America
Recently the National Bureau of Economic Research released a study concluding that New York is the unhappiest city in America. #Sh*tIAlreadyKnow, or as my good friend Neil said, “Methinks this didn’t have to be a whole study.”
Of course, New York is the most miserable city. In fact, we’re probably the only city that would take pride in this finding. (Hey, at least we’re winning something, right?)
No wonder why it’s so easy to score drugs in NYC: Everyone needs to be high to live here.
As if we needed any more proof, here are the 50 reasons that explain why New York is actually the unhappiest city in America. We promise it will make you happy.
1. There are no decent or private places to cry, making you even unhappier when you’re already upset.
2. Just sitting down in a cab costs you more money than a latte (except if it comes from Starbucks).
3. No matter how early you leave, you’re always 10 minutes late.
4. Everything there goes to die: trees, savings, pedestrians on the crosswalk.
5. There’s absolutely no way to tell if the hot guy on the subway is a hipster or homeless.
6. Every time you’re feeling good, a model walks by.
7. The door on the outside is always a bigger deal than the club on the inside.
8. Juices are more expensive than actual meals.
9. It’s constant work, working out, or work to get out.
10. The only people watching that takes place is people watching their dogs take dumps on the sidewalks.
11. Rent costs more than college. Your apartment is smaller than your dorm was… even though you have more roommates.
12. There is no sense of privacy. Your neighbor can even see into your shower.
13. There’s no such thing as an enjoyable subway ride.
14. Dicks are everywhere: the bar, the Apple store, the David Barton gym…
15. There is more traffic on a summer Friday than Lindsay Lohan’s bedroom experiences in an entire year.
16. You pay an exorbitant amount of money not even to live in Manhattan, or anywhere near where you work for that matter.
17. Clubs are harder to get into than a girl-who-lives-on-the-Upper-East-Side’s pants.
18. Midtown is a constant reminder of how we failed corporate America and then dumped its remains in the microwave and produced Times Square.
19. Because New Yorkers are actually known for their “f*ck you” attitude.
20. We take pride in a “Mexican” Grill chain, which originated in Denver (but the food is made with integrity guys!).
21. Because “The Real Housewives of New York City” always features the most miserable human beings, even when the show isn’t trying.
22. We’re famous for always dressing in black, like living here every day is a continuous funeral.
23. News Channel One never has any good news.
24. While we’re on the subject of media, Time Warner Cable is singlehandedly destroying any happiness or fulfillment that comes with watching television. And waiting around for the cable box to work itself out ruins any shred of patience a New Yorker has left. The only thing TWC upgrades is NYC’s level of misery.
25. Cockroaches double as roommates.
26. When in doubt, you blame it on New York (or Giuliani, Bloomberg, de Blasio).
27. At the end of the day, the only available men are the ones working the Halal food carts.
28. Finding a parking spot is seriously the most rewarding part of your day. (Come on, it’s the little things, guys.)
29. The better part of your schedule is spent waiting: for the light to change, in-line for anything and for your next paycheck.
30. You don’t get to know your neighbors, but you intimately know the backside and frontside of the people on your commute.
31. The most reliable guy you’ve met in the last six months is your weed dealer. And even he comes late.
32. You are seriously taxed to live here.
33. Everything is either too close or too far.
34. Your mornings smell like hot garbage and defeat.
35. We consider a 2×2 grassy space, a yard.
36. Car horns become the soundtrack to your life.
37. We have some of the highest paid players on some of the worst performing teams.
38. You need to take two showers to really feel clean here: one to wash away the grime, and one to wash away bad memories of the night before.
39. Your cab driver is mad at you for simply being here.
40. Your dream apartment is just that: a non-existent fantasy.
41. Everyone flees during the summertime. And hibernates in the wintertime.
42. If you’re surprisingly having a good day, there will be a tourist who ruins it.
43. Your doorman knows more about your personal life than your best friends.
44. There’s always someone from out-of-town who wants to stay on your couch. You have yet to tell that person you can barely fit an entire couch in your apartment, let alone another person.
45. You believe this to be true: It takes a lot to shock you. As a New Yorker, you really have seen it all. And while you are numb to it, most of it would horrify the average person.
46. Due to the sheer price alone, a simple movie date is considered a “big step.”
47. People wear sunglasses even when it’s cloudy because they don’t want to look you in the eye.
48. It. Always. Smells. Bad. That smell? That’s called “air.”
49. For every nice person you come across, there are two people planning to steal your iPhone.
50. Because no true New Yorker is actually surprised by the results of this study.
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