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50 Ridiculous Things That Go Through Your Head After A Bad Breakup

Breakups are hard. They’re hard because even if you see it coming, you never expect it to actually happen.

It’s an uncomfortable, emotional and traumatizing experience that can turn your sanest friend into that person on Facebook posting Alanis Morissette lyrics and commenting on pictures from 2011.

But can they blame you? You’re riding out an emotional roller coaster as you morph into a new person, the kind who eats alone in restaurants and goes weeks without consistent sex — or any at all.

Whether you’re the one doing the dumping, or the one underneath the pile of sh*t, you’re going to change.

Your brain will rewire to focus its attention on potential mates and your own body fat. Rather than worrying about where to take your next vacation together, you’ll plan where to meet new guys.

Your thoughts are no longer your own, they’re the thoughts of — no, don’t say it! — a single person.

1. Does this mean I have to delete my wedding Pinterest board?

2. Little does he know, I’m changing the Netflix password right now. That’s right, no more “House Of Cards” for you.

3. Sh*t, is this how all my single friends feel?

4. Why did I tweet about this while drunk?

5. Wait, what was that break-up song lyric I heard three months ago I was saving for this moment?

6. I am going to be so sad about this.

7. Maybe I’ll write a poem.

8. I totally understand Sylvia Plath now.

9. Wait, does this mean I have to go to the gym now?

10. Sh*t, I wish I didn’t leave my Stuart Weitzman boots there.

11. Well, I can get them back. It’s not like I don’t know him anymore.

12. But we’re actually just like strangers.

13. Well, there goes yet another guy who’s just walking around knowing about that mole on my butt.

14. I hope I don’t see him.

15. Actually, I hope I do see him and I look like Candice Swanepoel.

16. What if he’s already met someone who looks like Candice Swanepoel?

17. No, he won’t. He has a receding hairline.

18. There’s no way he gets someone hotter than I am.

19. I look good right now.

20. Does this mean I can't have sex with him again?

21. Maybe just a few drunk times?

22. How can I find someone hotter?

23. I remember seeing one bar with lots of guys with beards.

24. Maybe I’ll go there.

25. Should I download Tinder again?

26. When will my best friend get tired of cuddling me?

27. How long can I cry in front of people for?

28. Can I still call him?

29. Thank God I don't have to buy him something for his birthday now.

30. Sh*t, I’m alone for my birthday.

31. I better get really skinny.

32. I’m definitely pawning this necklace he got me now. Screw sentimentality.

33. I wonder if he’s thinking about me.

34. His mom is probably really upset.

35. I wonder if she’ll call me.

36. I'm so happy I got all his hoodies.

37. If he wants them back, he's going to have to do some serious begging.

38. Should I change my profile picture now? Or is that too petty? Eh, I’ll wait a week.

39. Should I adopt a cat?

40. Can I even take care of a cat right now?

41. Can I even take care of myself right meow?

42. I'm in no place to make cat jokes but it helps a little.

43. Why did I have to send him that graphic nudie? Will everyone know my nipple veers to the left?

44. Who was that guy three months back who said he wanted to hook up with me?

45. Oh God, my mom was right. She’s always right. Why is that?

46. She’s totally going to be thinking “I told you so,” the whole time.

47. It would be really nice to go home and cry in her bed.

48. Maybe she could make me some homemade lasagna.

49. Probably should treat myself to some new clothes now that it matters what I look like again.

50. The only men who understand me are Ben and Jerry… and Ellen.


Enjoy your newfound singledom while you can because if your next blind date is anything like Josh’s on “Man Seeking Woman” you’re in for quite the adventure. See what we mean during the series premiere on Wednesday, January 14 at 10:30pm on FXX.

Lauren Martin

Freelance Contributor

Lauren Martin is a Senior Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. After graduating from PSU, she moved to NYC to write fart jokes at Smosh Magazine. Making her way to ED, she now writes riveting commentary on nude pics, condoms and first dates.
Lauren Martin is a Senior Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. After graduating from PSU, she moved to NYC to write fart jokes at Smosh Magazine. Making her way to ED, she now writes riveting commentary on nude pics, condoms and first dates.

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