50 Thoughts That Go Through Every New Yorker’s Head On Any Given Day
Living in New York City is a full-time job. Anyone who’s taken the subway in the summer, or has walked 10 blocks in the snow — all before actually stepping into the workplace — realizes that this paying “full-time job” is, in reality, far less work than his or her regular, old, daily routine.
Like with any job, sh*t can get stressful. Except, unlike a lot of other jobs, there’s no “suggestion box” for life in NYC, for you to vent your issues to. A lot of times, our own thoughts double as this hypothetical suggestion box.
These thoughts aren’t always politically correct, they aren’t always pleasant. But, hey, New York City surely isn’t “always pleasant” and it damn sure ain’t always politically correct. That’s what makes New York, well, New York.
Despite its unpleasantries, most postgraduate Long Islanders will still strive to escape their luxurious, paid for (by their parents) North Shore abode, with hopes of moving to an apartment, in Manhattan, the size of the guest bathroom.
New York City is just that alluring. Well, at least that’s what we tell people, right? See, that’s the beauty of New York, right there. We may tell people New York is the greatest city imaginable, but after watching a taxi cab blatantly drive by you with its light on (and no one in the cab), we may think otherwise.
Our thoughts don’t always reflect our words, and for good reason. Otherwise, you would’ve told the old man who spilled your coffee on the subway this morning to buy you another one — instead of “Why, it’s all right mate.”
Some thoughts are better kept to yourself — especially in The City So Nice, They Named It Twice. Which is pretty ridiculous, in and of itself. One time would’ve sufficed. Twice is almost repetitive. Anyway, here are the 50 thoughts, I promise you, that run through the head of every New Yorker on a daily basis. Regardless of what he or she chooses to tell you.
1. Can you f*cking walk?
2. My fault ma’am, I didn’t see the cane.
3. Alright, I don’t see your cane, sir. What’s your excuse?
4. No. I don’t want your mixtape — but can you please not do this in the middle of the street, J-Trillz? I really have to get to work.
5. Do you think the girl working at Starbucks saw me steal the entire basket of Splenda and regular sugar packets?
6. Was that even a girl working at Starbucks? Could’ve been a guy… with long, bleached, ombre’d hair.
7. Wow, actually, I think it was.
8. That’s ALMOST sicker than the fact that my coffee was $5 and change.
9. What can I pretend to be doing so that I don’t make eye contact with this bum?
10. F*ck. I dropped a dollar by his feet while getting my phone out of my pocket to act like I was texting.
11. Sorry man, that’s actually my last dollar. No, I’m serious, I just came from Starbucks.
12. Um, why did that homeless guy smell better than the dude I just bought $5 Versace cologne from on Canal Street? Like, you’re selling cologne, bro.
13. I guess that’s what you get for $5 cologne.
14. I probably should’ve thought about that before buying luxury cologne from a man in a tribal gown in Chinatown.
15. I could’ve used that $5 for a Citi Bike, or a Nutz 4 Nutz. Ugh, now I’m hungry.
16. Should I buy pot for this week and try and mooch food off my boys?
17. Or should I save some money for food this week and mooch weed off my boys?
18. Is it possible to mooch both and buy Knicks tickets?
19. Knicks tickets are 150 bucks?! Nevermind.
20. Jesus, I’d probably have to sell the apartment if they actually won some games.
21. Speaking of which, Harry Potter’s cupboard in the staircase was bigger than my apartment, which I’m starving myself to pay for.
22. I mean, it’s like a f*cking holiday when I splurge on Whole Foods.
23. And even then, I save some of my organic salmon wrap for dinner tomorrow, too.
24. So, in all fairness, it’s more like Half Foods.
25. At the same time, it’s like a f*cking holiday when I splurge on whole foods, or meals, in general, for that matter.
26. Does every Long Island girl with an internship and a summer apartment in Murray Hill think she’s Carrie Bradshaw?
27. Well, she does kinda look like her… that’s unfortunate.
28. But she’s oddly proud of it, so that’s really great for her.
29. Did that homeless guy just try hailing a cab?
30. Where could he even be going?
31. I don’t have plans…
32. It’s all right, chill out self, get a grip — he’s homeless, let him have a night out.
33. I f*cking love the smell of NYC.
34. The city LITERALLY smells like hot dogs and cat piss.
35. I’m not even gonna wonder what that liquid was, which just dripped off that scaffolding onto my head.
36. At this point, piss wouldn’t even be the worst thing.
37. 1, 2, 3, Let’s, Party, More, 5th
38. I should really get that down, I’ve lived in Manhattan for the past three years.
39. Wait, actually, what the F*CK dripped on my head before?
40. Yo, these sassy European kids and their scarves on 8th avenue…
41. Oh, they go to FIT?
42. I thought he was staring me down because he was French, or something.
43. I wonder if this dude will let me a bum a cigarette if I offer him a dollar.
44. Did he actually just accept my dollar?
45. Nice man, go buy a couple gumballs with it.
46. I really hope there aren’t any karmic retributions for me after stealing this cab from that homeless guy.
47. And I’m way too lazy to calculate what a 10 percent tip is for this cab driver, but I really don’t want to just hit the 20 percent button; it’s not like was serenading me all trip.
48. F*ck it: 20 percent. Karma back up.
49. Doesn’t even matter, after laughing in that dude’s face behind the closing door of the subway — I’m going to hell anyway.
50. Actually, New York City in the summer is hell enough.
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