53 Totally Logical, Super Smart Decisions You Only Make While Drunk
“Being drunk” is as much of an excuse as it isn’t one — it all depends on the situation.
But let’s be honest for a moment, shall we: There’s a sh*t ton of things you would never even think about, let alone do, if you weren’t highly intoxicated.
Lying in the snow without a jacket just for the picture? You can bet your ass no sober person would ever think this was a smart decision.
But as the Fireball keeps pouring, the decisions keep getting worse and worse — as I’m sure we’re all way too familiar with.
A relationship would be nice…. But I’m already going strong with alcohol and bad decisions.
— Daddyissues (@Daddyissues__) March 4, 2015
Maybe we should know our limits by now and maybe we should know better, but sometimes you just have one of those nights and the next thing you know you’re waking up ass-naked, spooning a Jimmy John’s sandwich.
Not a pretty picture, is it? And that’s probably the least weird/f*cked up/disgusting/embarrassing/shameful situation you could find yourself in.
So what do those other ridiculous, alcohol-fueled and downright hilarious decisions look like?
1. I can more-than afford to pay this Uber surcharge.
2. It absolutely makes sense to pay for everyone else’s shots, including those strangers.
3. I never need a jacket — even when it’s below 40-degrees outside.
4. Calories just don’t count after 2 am. F*ck it, they stop counting once you start drinking.
5. Buying a pack of $17 cigarettes is extremely cost-effective, as I won’t be as inclined to waste them.
6. That “friend” of mine needs a good slap across the face.
7. It’s perfectly OK to steal someone else’s coat. She’ll steal someone else’s and the circle of life will continue.
8. This leftover refrigerator food combination totally works and isn’t disgusting at all.
9. I can just pick up my debit card tomorrow… it’s probably safer here anyway.
10. This guy is totally not a soft 4.
11. It’s perfectly acceptable to just throw your contacts out; they aren’t expensive or anything.
12. Plan B is the new Plan A, anyway.
13. I should definitely take my shoes off at this bar.
14. Running away from my friends is obviously the best way to exit a bar.
15. This furry place feels like the perfect place to throw up (sorry, rug).
16. I’ll clean it up in the morning.
17. My friends visiting from out of town will somehow find me in this foreign city… even if they don’t have my address.
18. That homeless man’s sandwich looks delicious. Wait, that’s not a sandwich.
19. I should sleep with my shoes on; I’ll be ready for tomorrow.
20. You know what, I shouldn’t even sleep — I have work in three hours anyway.
21. I’ll just pass out, my booty call can figure out a way to get in himself.
22. Ordering another pizza makes perfect sense.
23. I should call my mom.
24. I should call my grandma.
25. I should call my dog.
26. I wonder what my upstairs neighbor is doing.
27. I should find out.
28. I can totally convince that massage spot to deliver.
29. This cab fare is bullsh*t; I’m not paying.
30. My roommates need to wake up right now and listen to everything I have to say.
31. I can smoke weed with these strangers I just met.
32. My roommate’s leftovers are looking really good right about now.
33. Wow, twerking isn’t as hard as it looks.
34. The bartender is totally flirting with me.
35. The bartender is my best friend.
36. I should definitely apologize to my best friend for that thing that happened years ago we promised never to mention again.
37. The world is my bed.
38. My eyeliner isn’t running.
39. My hair is definitely not damp with tequila and Fireball…
40. So, I should totally go hit on that hot guy at the bar.
41. No one will notice when I pass out at this bar.
42. Thin crust pizza is basically salad, realistically.
43. It’s not weird at all to give the guy in the bodega next to my apartment a kiss on the cheek.
44. I can totally make a grilled cheese with a pita pocket and Polly-O.
45. There’s no need to wash off this makeup.
46. The bouncer will totally bring me the pizza I just ordered to the club, I just need to tip him well.
47. I should totally post this blurry Instagram for the world to see and use as many hashtags as possible that make absolutely no sense.
48. It’s a great idea to text my ex that his new girlfriend is way uglier than I am…
49. And then follow it up with a naked Snapchat.
50. I know everyone is dying to see my ridiculous Snap story.
51. I need two more shots of tequila and a vodka soda — STAT!
52. I know if I just flash the DJ, he will let me in that booth with him so I can play S Club 7 the entire night.
53. Hitting “reply all” to this company-wide email is the smartest career move I could ever make.
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