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6 Ways Your Life Gets Significantly Worse After Your 21st Birthday

The countdown is over. Throw your fake ID in the shredder and kiss your parents' liquor cabinet goodbye. Your underage drinking days are officially over.

No more watching Netflix while your friends go to the bars and no more water with dinner. However, all of that joy you're feeling will come to an end in a few weeks when reality hits you.

This is because unfortunately, fun things cost money and you're now a full-time adult. Welcome to the 21 and up club; life is about to change in a few ways:

1. The thrill of drinking is gone

As happy as you may be to finally have a horizontal ID, you'll miss the adventure that came with underage drinking.

No more running for your life when parties get busted, no more hiding the distinct smell of cheap vodka from your parents and no more sneaking out of the house to drink a bottle of schnapps that your friend found in his pantry.

Start getting used to restaurants and bars, because these two locations now replace parks and your friends' rooms as your new drinking headquarters.

Congratulations, your days of being threatened with MIP tickets are over. However, you now have a new enemy to watch out for: Drunk In Public.


2. Your birthdays are now irrelevant

At 16 you got to drive, at 18 you became an adult and had the option to smoke and now you can legally drink.

Besides gaining the ability to rent a car at 25, your birthdays are now just a countdown until your hair falls out and you start putting plastic covers on your couches.

You might as well delete any countdown app from your phone now because the best days are over. But, on the bright side, at least once a year you might be able to score a free dessert at your dinner, which you'll surely have no recollection of.


3. Money disappears twice as fast

Now that you can legally drink anywhere, you'll use your newfound power every chance you get. If you thought eating at restaurants was expensive before, try adding another $20 worth of drinks to your tab.

Sure, you may have just paid full price for a bottle of whiskey for two Jack and cokes, but youwon't miss a chance to whip out your new magic ID.

The bar is also a dangerous place for your wallet, so be prepared to watch your bank account drop each week, like the New Year's ball. Also, don't forget you can now gamble at casinos, in case you need another way to drain your funds.

Jesus may have turned water into wine, but you turned a full student loan into tequila.


4. One year to figure your sh*t out

If you're going to school, 21 means that you're down to your last year to either get the next step in your life figured out or move your belongings back into the bedroom that is still home to your childhood trophies.

Sure, you had a great time the last three years, getting drunk four nights a week and ignoring your future, but reality has finally caught up to you. If you thought trying to create a semester schedule was stressful, you're in for a treat.

This is the year that “I'm not sure” is no longer an excusable answer to “What do you want to do with your life?”

If you don't have that answer and don't feel like settling for a random career path, you can always study transportation science at Pizza Hut university. No pressure though.


5. House parties are officially childish

House parties aren't cutting it anymore, now that you're older and wiser. Leave the apartments and houses with sticky floors to the 20 and under crowd.

You've officially graduated from spilling drinks on framed family photos of someone you don't know to spilling drinks on people you don't know.

So, now you can leave the plastic bottles of vodka for a more appropriate job — like repelling mosquitoes or cleaning cuts.

For all of you thinking, “I've been over house parties for years,” we all know you were still going to them until at least the day you turned 21.


6. Bars are no longer intriguing

Unless you're the youngest one in your group, chances are you've had to experience your friends leaving you at 10 pm to go to a mystical land that they call “The Bars.”

It's natural to hype up what you think the bars will be like in your imagination, but know that it will inevitably end in disappointment. Think less “Great Gatsby,” and more blacked out version of your high school prom crammed into one room.

In your mind, you think that this forbidden land is full of beautiful people, unlimited drinks and great music. However, in reality, they're full of sloppy drunks, overpriced watered-down drinks and either some local DJ who lives with his parents or rock songs from the 80s.

If you were hoping to meet the love of your life in one of these watering holes, you may want to join the online dating trend instead. That is, unless you want to get to know your soul mate while he or she throws up, tries to fight someone and/or try to make out with you.

Then again, it might make a better story than explaining how you met on Tinder.

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Ty Baumanis

Contributor

Ty Baumanis is a stand up comedian and comedian living in Los Angeles, CA. He is a graduate and former college hockey player at The University of Arizona. Ty was born in Cleveland, OH, and spent time in Michigan, Texas, and Arizona, before relo ...
Ty Baumanis is a stand up comedian and comedian living in Los Angeles, CA. He is a graduate and former college hockey player at The University of Arizona. Ty was born in Cleveland, OH, and spent time in Michigan, Texas, and Arizona, before relo ...

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