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Goodbye Mary Jane: 61 Signs Your Stoner Life Is Ending

What do you mean drug tested? That's for everything but weed, right? No? NO? So I can't smoke? What do you mean, “random”? What are you telling me? Please don't say what I think you're saying.

Whether you were forced to quit the pipe, bong, joint or vape by sheer force or from personal discipline (although, I don't know why), there comes a time in your stoner life when you just can't hack it (or hit it) any longer… or at least not the way you used to.

Whether it's the job, the relationship or the fast-paced lifestyle you feel you're missing out on, sometimes our old friend Mary Jane needs to take a backseat for a little while.

It's not because you couldn't handle her. Oh, you handled her. But more because you're in your twenties and sometimes you don't always want to be seen taking her to lunch or those meetings she might embarrass you in.

Because all of a sudden you just can't be high all the time.

You can't just forget the name of the restaurant because you were baked or cross the street without looking both ways because you were busy thinking about 9/11 conspiracies.

It's a dangerous world out there, and growing up means accepting that sometimes you must put down the bong and pick up the beer.

You know it's ending when…

1. You become paranoid.

2. You've started working out again.

3. You don't roll joints like you used to.

4. You haven't coughed all day.

5. You don't have enough quarters for that quarter.

6. All your dealers were arrested, have graduated or are already retired.

7. You forgot your apartment number… again.

8. You know where your lighter is.

9. No one wants to watch “Scooby Doo” with you.

10. You're actually referring to cups when you say your glassware.

11. You're saving money to see some actual volcanoes.

12. You're spending your money on candles, not wax.

13. You can't sit through “Spy Kids.”

14. You don't understand why anyone would pay for IMAX anymore.

15. You know a guy named Jay and that doesn't make you giggle.

16. A night in means with the kids.

17. The only thing smoky is your ham.

18. You work in a box, not with a bowl.

19. You'd rather save green than get green.

20. The only walks you take are with your girlfriends to gossip.

21. Wine is your new Wednesday treat.

22. The only Mary Jane you know is an uptight coworker.

23. You actually use Visine for your dry eyes.

24. The only volcanoes you visit are in Hawaii.

25. The only vapor you have is the kind you rub on your chest.

26. You've invested in a hookah.

27. Your best friends don't listen to the Grateful Dead.

28. Your closet isn't only graphic tees and wool-knit alpacas.

29. You've cut your hair in the past month.

30. You no longer add “'and I was high” to the end of every story.

31. Your favorites in your contact list are no longer your drug dealers.

32. You file more papers than you roll.

33. You no longer get paranoid when you walk by cops.

34. You're planting actual seeds instead of buying them.

35. Your friends have real medical cards… because they're doctors.

36. Your parents aren't consistently disappointed in you.

37. Your smoke detector is back on the ceiling.

38. You actually have spending money.

39. The only nuggets you're smelling are from McDonald's.

40. You like to look at actual trees now.

41. Your best friend isn't eating all your food.

42. There's no more Ben & Jerry's in the freezer.

43. You now understand maps.

44. The only time you blow smoke is during presentations.

45. You no longer find Wiz Khalifa amusing.

46. Deep inhales are reserved for yoga.

47. You can function in conversations.

48. You realize you have nothing in common with your friends.

49. You no longer understand the allure of Popeyes on a Tuesday morning.

50. You realize TV isn't that good.

51. You remember what you're watching during commercial breaks.

52. You don't understand hippies anymore.

53. You haven't woken up to McDonalds wrapper's in a while.

54. You're grinding at the office instead of grinding your weed.

53. You're rolling your eyes more than your blunts.

54. You don't understand Allen Ginsberg anymore.

55. 4:20 is just a time.

56. The holes in your jeans are actually bothering you.

60. You don't smoke weed at the Oscars anymore.

61. Anne Hathaway killed your buzz.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It

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Lauren Martin

Freelance Contributor

Lauren Martin is a Senior Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. After graduating from PSU, she moved to NYC to write fart jokes at Smosh Magazine. Making her way to ED, she now writes riveting commentary on nude pics, condoms and first dates.
Lauren Martin is a Senior Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. After graduating from PSU, she moved to NYC to write fart jokes at Smosh Magazine. Making her way to ED, she now writes riveting commentary on nude pics, condoms and first dates.

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