It’s the baby birth heard around the world: the royal baby has finally managed to surface from the vagina of Kate Middleton in the very royal month of July on the extremely royal date of the 22nd. Just when you thought there really couldn’t be a baby that would beat the hype of North West, the love child of the infamous and not so royal couple Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, you have this royal baby deciding to pop out.
For the past few weeks, millions of people have anticipated the baby, hoping that Prince William and his wife have a bit more class and won’t fall into the usual celebrity trappings of giving newborn children ridiculous names (such as North West, Blue Ivy or Brooklyn). But if they do, we’re not opposed to them naming the child Royal Baby because there needs to be something that knocks Kim and Kanye off their high horse — and who better than some Brits?!
This baby is coming into a world that will seem quite strange at first. It is a weird time to be growing up if you ask me; it’s not like in the 90s, when things didn’t work and you just blew on them because that solved all of your issues with your video game cartridges. I would never want to be a kid growing up in this day in age. It’s an odd world to be coming into and especially with all the pressure that comes with being the royal baby.
Of course, this baby will need some sort of direction or advice, he will need a mentor; in the royal life, photographers will constantly attempt to grab a photo of him while every girl on planet earth tries to sleep with him. There are going to be some moments in time that the royal baby is going to need a reality check. It is no secret that by the time Royal Baby comes of age, William and Kate will be too busy taking over the world. So to whom could Royal Baby possibly turn?! Alas, his scumbag uncle Prince Harry.
Whether or not he is a scumbag is up for debate, but, really, anyone who is a ginger is automatically a scumbag and anyone who gets caught playing naked billiards in Vegas is clearly a scumbag.
Being an uncle is going to bring a lot of pressure for Ginger Harry, so we thought we might make his life easier by drafting this letter to Royal Baby from his scummy uncle Prince Harry:
Dear Royal Baby,
Firstly, you are going to be a legend. The last time I saw this much attention over a royal baby was when I was born, and look how well I’ve turned out. I am thoroughly willing to accept that a lot of the attention I normally receive will be transferred to you, which is much appreciated, as I could use the privacy after what happened in Vegas last year.
This letter is simply a draft for me to articulate some advice I wish to offer you, as you embark on a new path from the royal womb to the royal family. Welcome to the glamorous life of black cards, having every girl on planet earth wanting to shag you (we are going to get so much arse together), St. Tropez in the summer and St. Moritz in the winter, a lot of horses carrying you around, and having the ability to do whatever the f*ck you want. P.S. I am already planning our first Vegas trip…
With this life, there will be some responsibilities, but don’t worry, not many. It is just enough to make you look like you are not one of those spoiled rich kids, running wild like that crazy Yank Amanda Bynes. You’re going to have to go to school and eventually you are going to have to “serve” some time protecting your country in some Middle Eastern desert that America decides to obliterate for the sole purpose of getting rich from their oil.
Don’t worry, you will never actually be in combat or have your life threatened. It’s special ops for photo ops; some smiles and waves and, of course, you need to pull the serious face, “protecting” your country — then you are back on a jet over to a hideaway spot that Granny has set up just to make it look like we are out at war. Make sure you try the hummus and shoot as many stray bullets as possible!
Now that we are done discussing what your early years will consist of, here’s when all of the fun comes in. The world will probably still be in a huge recession by the time you are of age to really start spending money, but don’t let that concern you at all, it’s not like you are going to be a candidate for humanitarian of the year. I will repeat, you will have the ability to essentially pull any girl you would like: peasants, pedestrians and even celebrities. They will all be at your disposal whenever and wherever. Some quick pointers, Taylor Swift is a crazy bitch and gets very attached, just ask that Kennedy bloke.
Don’t give your phone number to Carly Rae Jepsen, she won’t stop calling you. Stay as far away as possible from North West, if she is anything like her parents, get ready for a lot of screaming and cameras in your face (cameras are no good, we will get to that later). Blue Ivy will be cool, but her booty might be too big for you, so be careful there. If Amanda Bynes calls you ugly, take it with a grain of salt, as she might just want you to murder her vagina.
If Lindsay Lohan offers you drugs, keep it to the green, all the other stuff will get you in trouble. When I was 17, I was caught smoking weed with my friends – don’t judge, when you’re an awkward looking ginger, you will do anything to fit in. Rihanna might ruin your image and if you are going to settle down, I heard D Becks has a hot daughter that is only a few years older than you, so I would go with the safe bet, just make sure she is nothing like her rubbish mother that never smiles. She was once a Spice Girl but that is so far behind in human history that it predates the Twitter era, which we will get too soon as well. Last but not least, if you are into big girls, Jessica Simpson just had a daughter and if she has any of Mommy’s genes, you will have enough cushion for the pushing.
Now it’s time to discuss the people that you surround yourself with, as this will be very important. By the time you are old enough to have “friends,” Justin Bieber will be in rehab, so I suggest you stay very far away from him. Also don’t ever befriend rappers, they throw bottles at clubs, beat women, and are usually broke — and will use you for your money.
Lance Armstrong will not be the best person to call for training advice, that’s a bit of a longer story. The safe bet to go with is Olympic athletes such as Ryan Lochte, who is a dear friend of mine, just don’t challenge him to a drunk swimming race, as you will never win. We had a blast in Vegas, wait until you hear about it. And please, for the love of God, don’t ever wear a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party, it never ends well.
Don’t use cough syrup unless you are sick. I was once caught snorting vodka out of a bottle; it didn’t end well. Like I said, I had to do a lot to fit in because of the red hair. Drugs — you are going to do a lot of them, so keep it under the radar and don’t ever try to compete with rich girls to see who can snort more cocaine. Google Heath Ledger and Mary Kate Olsen. Google! Ah, that brings me to my next point: the internet. One of the most complex things of our time. There’s this thing called Twitter where people will actually follow you to hear your opinions, yes those damn pedestrians have nothing better to do.
One word of advice, you know that great idea you have in your head that you want to Tweet — don’t. I assure you it never works out well, keep your opinions to yourself. Don’t sext or use snapchat 15.0, as it will end up on gossip websites and your mom won’t be too happy. Also, know the difference between a real girlfriend and a fake one, just because someone is responding to you over the internet doesn’t mean she is your girlfriend, it means you are getting catfished. Now this might sound obvious, but it isn’t, ask Manti Te’o.
To conclude this letter, I would like to transition to a lighter note and a favourite topic of mine: naked billiards. You see this is as artful as the concept of two in the pink one in the stink. It is my favourite sport and is the best way to get all the birds in the room naked. Quick note here, what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas and if you do get caught, deny until you die — or call Granny, she will find a way to make the leaked photos illegal across the country.
The best advice I have for you here: never trust girls and their iPhone 18s, which is most likely what they will be carrying when you are 21. If you do get caught, blame it on the western influence of your American friend and win back the people of your country by going to “serve” them in some Middle Eastern country.
Last but not least, your mother has great knockers, as I saw in the tabloids, so enjoy them while they last. Ain’t no booty like new booty and ain’t no booty like two booties. Hopefully you will regard this letter as a general guideline to your life. Chat to you soon, Royal Baby.
Photos credit: WENN, TMZ