20 Things ‘Drunk You’ Accidentally Confesses On Thanksgiving
What is it about booze, mashed potatoes and fancy cutlery that gets you in the mood to make a total fool of yourself?
Thanksgiving may be a time of giving thanks and reuniting with loved ones, but it also wouldn't be a holiday without inadvertently slipping all those personal details about your life that you’ve tried so hard to keep private.
You promised yourself you wouldn't get too drunk this year (Remember, last year, when you called your cousin's new wife by his divorcée's name?) — yet, the combination of free alcohol and food has got you feeling especially spirited this holiday season.
And we all know what happens when you get too drunkenly comfortable…
…You accidentally reveal everything you told yourself you wouldn't bring up, including your thoughts on your cousin's new wife. Uh, at least it made this year's Thanksgiving memorable?
Here are the 20 things you let slip when you're too wasted on Thanksgiving:
1. Your favorite grandparents.
Don’t be surprised on Christmas when you receive $5 to Boston Market as your gift from Grandma Fran and Grandpa Joe. Hopefully, they still keep you in the will.
2. How much you hate your little cousin.
After five rounds, your patience for playing Pick-Up Sticks has waned and now you’re getting vocal about it. Why did you even agree to build a 4-foot Lego castle for this kid?
All he’s going to do is tear it down in five minutes, which is exactly your argument as to why your 7-year-old cousin is an early douchebag.
3. Your wine teeth.
Just one of the many embarrassing side effects of drinking too much.
4. How dry the turkey is.
It must be pretty dry since you sloshed it down with all that liquid. The only person who appreciates your, “This gravy tastes like balsamic vinaigrette with dandruff” commentary is your evil and weird sibling who enjoys watching your public family downfall.
5. Your crush on your cousin.
There was never any real chance that you would get with your hot older cousin, but now there is definitely not. Look on the bright side — at least you’ll never be invited to another annoying family function again!
6. What you really call your step-aunt when she’s not around.
“Tits” for obvious reasons. Now, your uncle has officially excommunicated you and “Tits” only wears crew-neck long-sleeve shirts to family events. You ruined it for everyone.
7. How you don’t deserve to sit at the “big kids” table.
You probably should have used your inside voice when calling Aunt Liz a bitch for placing you there. Now even the children have turned on you.
8. How you’re slowly waiting for one of them to die so you can collect on your inheritance.
Quick, try laughing at the end of your sentence so at least one person believes you were really just joking!
9. Your growing levels of depression.
Mom calls it a cry for help. You call it living in NYC.
10. How desperately you want a job from your rich mogul second cousin.
The only reason you even agreed to attend T-givs this year was for the chance to speak to Cousin Mike in person. After too many drinks, you can’t help but be super forward and aggressively nice toward your future employer.
If only he didn’t know you…
11. The name of the impressively older man you’re dating.
Normally, you’d keep the fact that you’re dating a man twice your age from your sensitive grandpa. But you can’t not tell everyone that the guy who invented the iPod is your new fling.
Mom won’t care he’s double your age when he’s worth quadruple her life savings.
12. The details of your sister’s prenup.
Well, at least only one person hates you instead of the entire family. Like the cranberry sauce, it was too good not to share!
13. The uncut version of what you did the night before.
What you meant to say: “Stayed home and helped Mom bake the apple pie.”
What you said: “Got so sh*tfaced I couldn’t see straight and then had sex with someone way too young before realizing he was carrying school bags, not the pizza delivery. We’re Facebook friends now, he’s not a minor, so no hard feelings.”
14. How much you really don’t like your uncle’s new wife.
The one who feels way too comfortable even though she just joined the family, like, two months ago. Your opinion on Grandpa’s nursing home doesn’t count, lady. You don’t have clout yet, b*tch.
15. Just how willing you are to eat your feelings.
“I only eat this way when I’m really, really upset about something. Like being here.” *Shoves pecan pie and pumpkin pie down throat, simultaneously.* You need something to absorb all that alcohol, right?
16. Your tattoo / nipple piercing / stolen puppy.
No one is laughing with you — and they’re definitely not nearly as happy about it as you are. Some things are meant to be kept to yourself. In the case of family, it’s more like 90 percent of things.
17. The fact that you might be pregnant.
Not anymore with the amount you just drank!
18. That one time you got arrested.
…Which was supposed to stay between you and your first cousin who came to your rescue and bailed you out.
You might as well have gone to jail because this admission to your family is just as incriminating.
19. How ugly Dad’s fake hair looks.
Do less, Dad. Do less. After 22 years of being completely bald, you’re not fooling anyone.
20. Exactly how drunk you need to be to hang out with everyone in your family.
Two beers, three glasses of wine, four shots, three cocktails, two bourbons and one glass of those fancy dessert liqueurs later, you’ve also revealed the limits of your tolerance.
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