The Basic B*tch Counterpart: 5 Qualities That Make A Bro Basic
As the temperature drops and the cold winter months roll in, 20-somethings everywhere prepare themselves for what is arguably the greatest season for all things basic.
As ladies with perfectly highlighted hair and painted nails gear up for snow selfies and “cuddle season” tweets, they search for the perfect boy to meet their holiday relationship goals.
They want someone to kiss under the mistletoe, with whom to look at Christmas lights, to co-star in their filtered snowball fights and snow angel pictures.
They hit up Starbucks nearly every day to sip on overpriced holiday specialty coffee, which will later appear on everyone's Facebook timelines.
While we can all have a nice laugh at the expense of yet another basic bitch, especially at the turn of the season, what about her male counterpart? I have yet to see a basic bro as the butt of a joke, but trust me, they're around.
Here is a description of the man candy who holds a Starbucks-drinking, Instagram-crazy basic on his arm — the basic bro:
The basic bro likes to lift.
He's the counterpart to the ladies who spend half an hour on the elliptical while reading a magazine, then reward themselves with green tea smoothie that inevitably ends up on Instagram, Snapchat and possibly Twitter. The basic bro spends all his time in the gym, too.
He trades the elliptical for a set of weights, the magazine for Drake's latest album in his headphones and the green tea smoothie for a large protein shake.
When he isn't admiring his muscles in the mirror, he's checking out the girl two machines over. He's contemplating how he'll land a date with her by giving advice on lifting form and showing off his inflated muscles (and head) from bicep day.
The basic bro takes mirror selfies.
Okay… I know you think you haven't seen a mirror selfie since, like, seventh grade.
But, I challenge you: Scroll down your timeline or news feed. I guarantee you'll find at least one basic bro flexing his toned biceps and triceps in his gym bathroom mirror.
Sometimes, you can catch them showing off after a run or hike, posed in nature with an inspirational quote about hard work captioned beneath. You now reserve the right to roll your eyes and keep scrolling.
The basic bro owns a sports car.
You know what I'm talking about. Those 2000-something Mustangs, the Cobras, the fast-moving, overpriced cars basic bros sell to one another every six months when they accumulate enough money from their side jobs selling weed.
When you were 16, it was fun to ride shotgun in a fast car with a “sick” sound system and the windows rolled down. Now, watching the basic bros wash and paint, then rewash and repaint, the cars they love more than the matching bro tanks in their closets is downright laughable.
The basic bro is in a “bromance.”
What would a basic bro be without his lifting buddy, his beer pong partner, his wingman?
The bromance on the basic level consists of Chipotle dates, swapping tall tales about the ladies at last night's party, sharing workout routines and bonding over the occasional (or not-so-occasional) late-night (or not-so-late-night) shotgun.
Brunch isn't just for the ladies, either. Basic bros take each other out for a greasy brunch almost every Sunday.
The basic bro is the beer pong champion.
The basic bro gets dressed up for the night in his khaki pants and polo shirt, and takes the table with his best bro or the night's love interest. He takes his drinking games seriously. He knows all the rules, and he sets out to win.
When he sleeps through class or work the next day, he doesn't mind because he's still the most accomplished drinker in his friend group. His beer pong tournament belt clutters his wall, along with posters of his sports cars, Sports Illustrated swimsuit spreads and his high school sports poster.
If you find yourself walking into a room that looks like this or your latest love interest picks you up in a sports car after uploading his mirror selfie to Facebook, beware.
Most importantly, next time you make fun of a girl for sipping Starbucks and abbreviating her words, remember females aren't the only gender at fault for being basic.
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