The 10 Times Sunglasses Totally Saved Your Life
And on the eighth day, God created sunglasses. No, but seriously, these inventions are literally a Godsend. Without them, how would we ever attempt to turn our walk of shame into a stride of pride? Or get from point A to point B without having to stop and chat.
As we all learned in “Big Daddy,” the second you put a pair of shades on, you essentially disappear from the outside world.
Well, today, on National Sunglasses Day, I am going to share my ode to sunnies as only a high, hungover and emotional girl could.
1.When you just got a facial and it looks like the top three layers of your skin have just been ripped off
Having great skin isn’t something that comes easy, as most females know. Getting a good facial every now and then helps to keep your skin looking young and smooth.
Sounds great, right? Well, the fact that you can’t wear makeup or even step foot in the sunlight for at least 24 hours does not sound so great to me. Lucky for you, sunglasses are there to take up a good portion of your face so no one realizes that you just underwent an intense chemical peel.
2. When you smoked too much weed before a family function
There’s really no bad time to be high… unless you are attending a family function. Chances are your grandma won’t appreciate the fact that you hit the bong right before family dinner (unless, of course, she’s my grandma — love you granny!).
Everyone knows the quickest way to kill your buzz and your high is to have to answer all your family’s questions. You thought smoking would ease this pain, but it really does the opposite. Lesson learned.
3. When you just got your eyebrows waxed
Oh yeah, those red lines around your eyes are oh, so sexy… not. After you get your eyebrows done, there’s only one thing to do from here: grab your sunnies and put them on immediately. Here, they will rest for the next solid three hours as you wait for your face to return to one color.
Beauty hurts and apparently it’ll make you look worse before it makes you look better.
4. When you are too hungover to function
Sunglasses had to have been invented by one hungover bitch. How else are you supposed to show your face in public on weekend mornings? Sunnies are an essential when you’re hungover.
They just do something for you that under-eye concealer can never hope to do — even if you dropped $50 on it or not.
5. When you just completed a rigorous workout
Sunglasses serve dual purposes post-workout. They either mask half your sweaty face or push back your sweaty hairline. Either way, no gym session can be complete without the proper workout gear.
Sunglasses can be just as important as your sneakers if you really think about it, at least for the females out there.
6. When you just had a fight with your boyfriend
Crying = one of the biggest need for sunglasses. You can’t just rub the tears away because you will just make your eyes even more red and noticeable. How else are you supposed to mask your pain and suffering without this shield?
Once you have these babies on, no one will ask you those pesky little questions like: What’s wrong? Are you okay? Did you break up?
Nope. Now you can save yourself from this torture by simply rocking some shades.
7. When you need to run a quick errand and are not wearing makeup
The worst thing is when you think you are stepping out for a split second and run into that chick from your freshman year English class, your ex-boyfriend and your ex-bestie.
You can’t look like a hot mess or you lose. And everyone knows life is about winning, so it’s necessary to rock your sunglasses for this adventure.
This way no one will know you skipped out on your foundation and mascara. Boom. You’re winning.
8. When some drunk bitch punched you in the face
Hey… it happens. Everyone’s had that one drunk experience that went a little too far. You may have some scratches on your face, a missing patch of hair or, worse, a black eye.
If the last is the case, then sunglasses are your best option. That, plus a little concealer and voilà! No one knows you were involved in a Jersey Shore inspired cat fight.
9. When you return home and have to run errands in your hometown
There are few things worse than running into people you haven’t seen in 10+ years. There is a reason why you haven’t kept in touch, but for some reason upon running into said individuals you must catch up on your entire life.
And, of course, the conversation ends with something along the lines of: “We should totally get lunch together soon.” I’m sorry, but that will never, ever happen in a million years.
Sunglasses on… conversation avoided… #winning.
10. When you are pretending to be awake, but are actually sleeping
Ain’t nobody got to know what’s going on behind those shades. Maybe you went out last night until the wee hours of the morning or you just couldn’t get a good night’s sleep. Either way, you are fighting the difficult fight of keeping your eyes open.
Luckily for you, your sunnies will protect you from the outside world and no one will notice if you are sneaking in a quick snooze.
Bonus: When you trek through the Murray Hill area of New York City
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